Bravo, Bravo, F*cking Bravo!
a.k.a. The best 3 days of my superficial life.
Calm down, everyone.
This isn’t a post about the Real Housewives and reality TV. Okay, it totally is but it’s not just about that. It’s about how something seemingly superficial, vapid, and surface could be so deep, meaningful, and gratifying. I know! No one is more surprised than me!
As mentioned last week, my bestie Kristina and I went to BravoCon in Las Vegas and our weekend was nothing short of spectacular.
What the hell is BravoCon you ask? It’s a 3-day event where fans of Bravo come together to celebrate their fandom and more importantly, be celebrated. Several times we heard the ol’ “I wouldn’t be here without you guys” and in this case it’s most definitely true. Most of us would be fired from our jobs if we brandished a butter knife in our coworker’s face or threw our prosthetic leg in a meeting.
I’m no stranger to fandom. We all have them. Maybe yours is sports or you’re “an adult who loves Disney,” or you travel the world to dine at Michelin-star establishments. As the senior brand manager for Dungeons & Dragons, I know fandom. D&D has some of the most passionate fans in the world. But I’ve only been adjacent to that fandom. I love playing D&D and working on D&D and talking about D&D, but D&D is not the very essence of me. If I have free time, I’m probably not gaming. Instead, I’m likely stationed in front of the TV, mouth agape and bleary-eyed, watching someone dab at the pinot Grigio running down their cheeks or deny rumors about their husband hanging out at laundromats with a much younger woman. (Long story. I’ll catch you up later.)
Friends, I know how much I love my Real Housewives. But I didn’t realize how much of a fan I was until I stepped foot on the luxurious grounds of the Caesars Forum.
Everything was catered to the Bravo fan. I know you’re thinking, "Duh. Hasn’t this dumb dumb ever been to a convention? That’s the whole point!” YES I HAVE. But not one where I was the fan! This show did everything right. It was all winks and nods and inside jokes. It was clever, IP infringing Etsy t-shirts and women with Drybar blowouts and sequin pants, and a bar shilling themed cocktails every six feet. We even got to cast ourselves in some classic Bravo moments!
BravoCon started on Friday which happened to be our VIP day. It was near impossible to get tickets to this dang convention, let alone VIP tickets but Kristina studied hard, slept little, and joined every Bravo Facebook group learning all the tips and tricks. She even got us hooked up with an “add-on” experience called Bravopalooza. Neither of us knew what it was but anything with “palooza” in the name is an auto-attend for me.
Upon entering we were each handed two drink tickets and pointed towards the bar. It was 10:30 in the morning. Nothing makes me feel more like a Bravoleb than being drunk before noon. I texted my husband to let him know I was doing okay.
You guys, I was more than okay. Max enlightenment reached. In my element. The mothership came to take me home and home was a Las Vegas convention center full of shiny tops and hair extensions and spray tans. Ahhhh…peace at last!
The Bravopalooza room was magnificently decorated like a Miami nightclub. Caterers passed mini chicken and waffles and strawberry shortcake apps. Before I even secured my first mimosa, we ran into Angie K. from The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Or rather almost ran through her because she was so tiny, I thought she was an Angie K. hologram. She was lovely and warm and welcoming, making us feel like the only rabid fans in the room. I gushed over a recent scene with her sweet dad and how delicious the rice they made looked and asked how the hell she didn’t knock Monica’s block off her shoulders when she went all yelly belly at her Greek Easter party and she was like, “Oh gurrrrrrlllllll, just wait…” and I think I peed my pants a little.
Pretty sure Angie would have hung out with us all day because we are also lovely, warm, and welcoming but Kristina spotted Dorinda from The Real Housewives of New York and we were like, Girl, byeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
We had about 2.5 seconds with Dorinda before Larsa Pippen from The Real Housewives of Miami caught our eye. What in the holy hell was happening? Housewives were literally spawning in this room!
Here’s one for the dudes! Larsa’s boyfriend, Marcus Jordan, son of Michael Jordan, was also there. Snapped his photo to impress my son.
It was Miami Mania because Marisol and Alexia spawned on the couch. Alexia can be…how do you say this… difficult and we were scared to approach her, but then we remembered how much we paid to be in this room and butted right in on a conversation she was having with another fan. We asked about Frankie, her sweet son, and she dissolved like a pile of face filler in the heat. Still wouldn’t want to get on her bad side.
Yes, every one of these Bravolebs was much smaller in real life. Like much. Barely five feet tall and maybe thirteen pounds including implants and botox. But what they lack in physical matter, they make up for in personality. You could definitely feel the air change when one of them appeared nearby.
The rest of our day was spent going between panels and the VIP room which was a giant ballroom reserved for special people and their tagalong friends. More bars and passed apps. Plenty of seating. It was lovely. Throughout the day more Bravolebs popped in to mingle with the elite. Did Captain Sandy secretly hire me to work on her vessel? Because everywhere I turned was another Below Deck crew member, INCLUDING CAPTAIN JASON!
My new coworkers:
Oh I could go on and give you the play by play for the next 48 hours but I’m afraid 98% of you will unsubscribe. So let’s stick to highlights:
The Real Housewives of Potomac (my favorites!) panel when Gizelle (my favorite!) and Karen, two of the greatest silver tongues and best of frenemies on all of cable, started sparring right there LIVE! ON STAGE! It was like watching a Tchaikovsky ballet. Pretty sure I cried1.
Photo opps in Meredith’s infamous bathtub! Don’t come for Meredith’s bathtub, LITTLE GIRL! (#IYKYK)
Getting to do our own show opening complete with taglines. (If you can convice Kristina, I’ll show you the video.)
Our photo opp with Jenn Pedranti, Orange County’s newest housewife, who was the most human housewife we met. I told her she had good energy and despite Tamra being a total B and trying to ruin her life, I hoped she’d be back next season. She gave me the warmest, most sincere and hug I ever had. Even better than that time at Book Expo America 2007 when I was embraced for 30 seconds by a professional hugger.
Memorabilia! The stuffed blue bunny in the flesh—plush?—that Lisa Rinna presented to Kim Richards as a faux peace offering, but Kim rejected and threw at her during the reunion. The “ugly green lingerie” Jenna gifted Jessel that made her feel like a sad Christmas tree. (It actually did look kind of ugly. #JusticeforJessel) Guerdy’s reunion dress made of nothing but chains. Uncomfortable!
That time Kristina made me laugh so hard I fell off my chair and brought my $19 glass of prosecco, half her beer, and an order of fried rice and tofu down with me. I had two sips of prosecco. I was not tipsy! Neither of us have any explanation as to how this happened but we think Teresa Giudice, infamous New Jersey table flipper, had something to do with it.
The best part? When I returned to the bar to get another glass, I showed the dubious bartender my wet butt, told him what happened, and in true Bravo fashion, he gave the (presumed) drunk, scene-causing girl an extra pour. Gosh, I loved it there.
Did I expect to be swept off my feet by a convention dedicated to depravity, toxic friendships, and Botox?
Did it reaffirm my love of these unhinged, beautiful, amazing, and somewhat damaged creatures? Do I think they’re my actual friends now? Am I still shooketh to my core by the whole experience? Do I long to be on my couch watching nice Angie K. and nice Daddy K. squeeze lemons onto bowls of rice and drink wine?
I can’t explain what I love about these shows or these women and when you’re a middle-aged lady mom, you don’t have to. PHEW! Maybe it’s escapism or voyeurism or watching people live out my fantasy of totally filterless trash talk and smashing a glass on the floor when I want to end a conversation. After this weekend I’m thinking it might have something to do with the community. Everywhere we turned there was one of us. Another mom, a daughter, a middle-aged lady mom with her daughter, women just like us who abandoned their families, bought a shiny top, and spent months with their best friends planning their Best. Weekend. Ever. We have this uncommon commonality that acts as an insta-bonder. Some of my best conversations were with strangers in line for the bathroom. I love meeting fellow Bravoholics because we always have something to talk about. Or rather, someone, just like how our mother ships taught us.
XO,
Shelly
Want to see more photos from BravoCon? Of course you do! I made a special page just for you!
I definitely did
So much fun!!!!!!!
Did you actually see appys in the Hilton VIP room?? I was looking for food there!