How to Host a Backyard Murder
You'll probably need a broom.
I am on a quest to harness the power of Mother Nature and master the masterminds of the avian realms. I’m talking about these obsidian overlords.
And when I do, my transformation from middle-aged lady who fantasizes about doing witchy things to middle-aged hag who is definitely doing witchy things will be complete!
Backyard crow bonding is the new sourdough starter and I am here to teach you how to do it. Trust me, your neighbors totally want hundreds of noisy, pooping birds hanging out in your yard!
Now, you might be wondering how I became a crow expert. Great question!
I am delusional.
I played a druid in a Dungeons & Dragons game once.
I controlled Steph Curry’s mind, which has to be more difficult than controlling a bird’s brain.
Also, I am committed to this mission. Like more committed to this than anything I’ve ever done in my entire life. Soon all the crows within a five mile radius will be part of my personal army of Karens. Kaw-rens, if you will.
Do YOU want to tell your neighbor whatever they’ve got cooking on the grill smells like wet gym socks and farts? No, but a🐦⬛ will.
Do YOU want to tell the unhinged, mumbling-to-himself idiot to stop parking so damn close to your driveway? No, but a🐦⬛ will.
Do YOU want to start a fight with that nosy, weed-whacking, fence-peering, rat face weirdo who pretends to do yard work every time you and your friends hangout in the backyard? (Actually yes, but with 🐦⬛ enforcements.)
There is no shortage of crows in my neighborhood and potentially people who want to befriend them and that could be a problem. I’m not out here trying to be one of many friends. I am here to be THE GREATEST CROW ALLY OF ALL!
I have spent hours reading blogs and books, watching videos, and smashing every affiliate link offered to purchase my own accouterments to turn my deck railings into bespoke Crow-Cuterie boards.
We are getting to a point where a few of my feathered friends wait for me on the wire crossing over our backyard. I named the big one Janky because his feathers always look a bit disheveled. Janky will sometimes herald my arrival to his friends who will perch on the roof or join him on the wire. I like to herald my own arrival with little chortle noises when I bring them a meal or fill their bird bath. I do not know why I do this or if they like it, but we’re running on instinct here so it’s part of the routine.
🐦⬛ Let’s Get Away With Murder! 🐦⬛
I am ready to turn wild birds into my personal security detail. Where do I start?
The only thing more powerful than the universe, is your social media algorith so you must talk about it every chance you get. This is not (just) for manifestation purposes or to impress your friends. Even just thinking, I wish crows liked me will send you reels, blogs, and posts explaining exactly how to set forth on your mission. Some of these accounts are run by witches and provide actual helpful advice. Some will make you glad these whack-a-doos are not your neighbors.
But be careful! The crows may hear you talking! DO NOT let them know your plan to put them to work. Crows are like toddlers. They will only do things if they think it was their idea, but are also easily bribed with food.
If I’m going to go through this effort, I want them to know it’s ME who is leaving the trinkets and treasures. How do I do that without that cringy chortle thing you do?
Pretend you are a man who just completed a chore. Is the lawn even mowed if no one is there to hear you talk about it?
Lady Partner: Your nephew’s graduation party is this Saturday.
Man Partner: Sorry, I was mowing the lawn on Tuesday and couldn’t hear you? Did you say the edging looks really good?
I don’t say this often, but be that guy.
Even if you can’t see them, the crows probably watching you. They are very smart and will recognize your face so make sure they see it. That could be a face that leaves them food and sparkly objects or a face that shoos them away and tries to hit them with a car when they’re minding their own business in the middle of the road. 🤷🏻♀️
As much as you’ll want to watch them enjoy the meals you worked so hard on, be coy in your observation. DO NOT LOOK AT THE CROWS! That’s aggressive. Just serve the food and leave. No one’s leaving you a tip.
How often do I have to feed them? I mean, they’ve clearly done okay without humans leaving them 5-course meals.
Feed them like it’s your job! Crows are hard-working motherfuckers and will appreciate diligence and drive. How often do you like to be fed? Maybe start with that cadence.
Crows value loyalty and consistency. Feed them at the same time every day. YES, EVERY DAY! You think you’re Chick-fil-A closing your doors on a Sunday? Crows care not for your desire to sleep in or that you haven’t made it to the grocery store yet. If you feed them once at 8:43AM, feed them every day for the rest of your life at 8:43AM.
Okay, so what am I supposed to feed these guys?
Ever hear of a SCARECROW? And where do you find those? In corn fields! Sooooo, maybe they enjoy corn? (They do. Very much.) If you made a SCARESHELLY would you put it at a butchery or CrossFit gym? No! I would never darken those doors! You’d prop that thing up in front of a TJ Maxx and then feel terrible when TJ Maxx goes out of business.
Crows also like nuts (unsalted), cat or dog kibble, grapes, blueberries, cherries, and sunflower seeds and they LOVE scrambled eggs! In fact, I witnessed a near tussle on my roof because they loved my scrambled eggs so much! No need to get all fancy with your seasoning. Keep it bland. These guys eat dead skunks on the side of the road, remember?
The peanuts are making a huge mess! There are shells everywhere!
OMG get a broom, Brenda!
But Shelly! I have a job! I barely have time to feed my children! I don’t have time for this!
Then you must stop feeding your children. At least until the crows get fed. Making the crows your personal avian entourage is not a flight of fancy. There is no wiggle room here. No corner cases. You either want it or you don’t. This isn’t rec league sports! This is club-level, select, protege, elite, not-everyone-gets-a-medal-tournament-level-naturalist-shit.
The Crows Must be Your Top Priority!
I ask you this: Will your children mob a dangerous predator lurking in the bushes and peck out their eyeballs? Would your mother-in-law dive-bomb a perceived threat to keep you safe? Does your husband even know where you keep the pinecones in the event one needs to be dropped on the head of an unfamiliar interloper? No, they do not.
Okay, I’m in! But all this food I’m leaving in my yard will surely attract other birds and animals that I most definitely do not want! What do I do?
It is true that your scrambled eggs may call all the birds to your yard, which is obviously not your intention. I’ve got a couple of stellar jays who might be the most annoying little feathered fucks since Heckle and Jeckle.
Look at this greedy bitch.
You know how sometimes you’re in a restaurant and there’s one grating voice that always rises above the din? And it’s prattling on about how strawberry season is always tough for Uncle Arthur because of his anal fissures. That is a human Stellar Jay!
You need a bird bouncer. Birds are smart, but most of them cannot read so you will need special signage.
Don’t use a lot of words like this:
Instead, use symbols they will surely recognize like this:
Why am I doing this??? This is weird.
You know what? You’re weird. Crows are magnificent, intelligent, loyal, protective beings. They are also so scary AF. Are you with them or against them? There is only one correct choice. If they like your eggs, maybe they’ll subscribe to your Substack. Crows are big fans of poop jokes.
As I write this, I’m watching three crows enjoying a lovely picnic on our hillside. And when I went outside to refill the buffet, they did not fly away. THIS IS PROGRESS. At this rate, I will be FULL LADY HAG by Labor Day.
So get outside and bond with a crow! What’s the worst that could happen?
XO,
Shelly
Look at me commanding!
And I am commanding you to watch the latest episode of Funny Story— the Substack Live where Chris Stanton and I surprise each other with a funny story. Ooooh boy, this one was bonkers and we love them for it.
CROWS LOVE MIDDLE-AGED LADY MOM AND THEY ARE VERY SMART! BE A CROW!
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Shelley, Shelley, Shelley. First it was "look under the chopstick" becoming a family catchphrase, now it's being besties with corvids.
I think there's some sort of psychic twinning going on. It's probably our chin hairs functioning as spiritual antennae.
Earlier this month a young magpie was spend more and more time on our patio. She started hopping into the kitchen. Then she climbed (hopping, not flying) *two flights of stairs* to walk around my bedroom.
So we both have crow family besties now.
PS - the UK doesn't have Stellar Jays so I initially misread that as you have a pair of absolutely STELLAR jays who visit, and I was pleased they were so awesome, being my namesake. Alas, no.
I wish there was footage of my face as I opened this article bleary-eyed and sleep-deprived this morning, only to realize I had encountered a work of delightful, unhinged genius.