It's London, Bitch
A cultural tour of butts and nuts
They say one of the best parts about having children is seeing the world through your child’s eyes. I don’t know who “they” are but clearly they’ve never gotten to board an airplane before those haughty Silver Medallion members. Pure bliss, I tell you.
I’m writing this from London, my most favorite city in the world. I’m here with the husband and child celebrating that special time in an elementary school student’s life known as mid-winter break. London also happens to be Bart’s favorite city and since before the child was born we talked about bringing him here. For me it was just philosophical small talk like, “When we have a child we will teach it to ride a bike.” For Bart it was an absolute must-do. He would have taken the child abroad years ago if not for me demanding we test the waters a little closer to home. Like Chicago. So we dipped into Navy Pier one summer while visiting Bart’s family in the suburbs and the child did not want to leave his iPad or the hotel and had a total meltdown when we forced him outside to play in a park.
“Okay, maybe he is too young for an international trip,” Bart grudgingly agreed.
But now the child is ten and tickets were cheap so here we are.
I spent a college semester in London and returned years later on our honeymoon and now I’m back seeing my favorite city through the eyes of a ten-year-old and wow— did I ever even see London? I missed so much! You’ve seen the London Eye but have you SEEN London through the EYE of a ten-year-old? I invite you sit back and enjoy this cultural tour of all the gems Fodor’s hid from you.
The Travel!
The child was a champ on the flight because he got to be the benefactor of his mother’s elevated status on Delta and refusal to travel internationally in a seat that doesn’t have at least a little bit of recline. He slept seven of the nine hours nestled comfortably with his dad’s blanket and his mom’s pillow in addition to the blanket and pillow he already had. All was great until that night at dinner when he face-planted into his garlic bread and his mom took a picture because again, EVERYTHING IS CONTENT.
The Try New Food Tour!
Part of traveling to new countries is experiencing new foods like ginormous hot dogs! The child has never experienced such a large hotdog. It cost 10 pounds! It weighed 8 pounds! He only wanted the bun!
We went to Harrods, world famous department store, to hit up the food market. Bart was so excited about these chocolate covered strawberries that cost more than our plane tickets only for the child to totally ruin them by declaring they looked like “animal testicles.” You can find these gourmet “strawberries” at Harrods AND in a garbage can in the Knightsbridge tube station!
Obviously the Royals are a huge part of the U.K.’s history and we were delighted to visit this historic kingdom. Literally spent more time here than the Natural History Museum…
…only to walk a few doors down to another candy kingdom where we discovered so many flavors of Takis! Now this is culture!
Welcome to The Butts and Nuts Tour!
Yes, of course we exposed the child to the arts. Exposed! GET IT???
The child immediately noticed all of the animal statues were not neutered.
“Mom, that lion has huge balls!”
Note: my husband took this photo. Unprovoked. It has no doubt been sent to 17 of his closest friends. I don’t know, guys. I didn’t read the plaque, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t about this lion’s balls. Maybe. I don’t know. I’m not great at British history.
I was thrilled the child was paying such close attention to the art because he also noticed lots of the statue dudes had their butt cheeks out. This statue had it all— giant lion nuts and a nice, bulbous butt cheek. Again— CULTURE.
At the Victoria and Albert Museum surrounded by over 2 million historical objects, the only object the child was truly excited about was the electrical outlets because they looked “a little phallic” and he knew his friends would appreciate it. Know your audience, kid!
“Are they having sex, Dad?”
“Hey, Mom, take our picture with the famous butts!”
NOTE: Apologies to the guy who accidentally got in the background of the below photo. I tried waiting for him to move on but dude was seriously parked there. Enraptured. Sure the front of the statue was nice, but had he seen the butts??? I mean, they’re famous.
“Mom, let me take your picture with the statue pooping out a foot!”
You’ve heard of “history buffs” but have you heard of “history butts?” Now you have.
The Historic Landmarks You Won’t Find in Guide Books Tour!
We visited Hyde Park where Bart and I had so many great memories. Immediately our child sat down in a small pile of goose poop and fed all the snacks I packed for him to these fat, aggressive, graceful birds. He lured one onto his knee with a lemon poppyseed scone. Probably should have made him wash his hands after this.
A traffic cone that looks like doo doo!
Iconic red telephone box or “changing booth from Fortnite where you something something blah blah something something?” Obviously the latter. Time to rewrite those history books!
Back to Hyde Park for a picnic. We were surrounded by NATURE and BEAUTY and MORE BIRDS and even some BEES thanks to this cute couple who stayed lip-locked for a good thirty minutes. The child was mesmerized, but also totally grossed out. Romance is CUUUUUUULLLTURE!
The child thought this kid on the bus ad looked like him. Not art or a landmark, but definitely in the top 3 things he was most excited about.
The Theater of the Mind Tour
And finally a funny story, but sadly no photographic evidence.
I got locked in a restaurant bathroom and had to bang on the door and yell for help to get out. It took 3 workers and lots of tools to free me and all I could think of was how I finally had tickets to see Hamilton and would miss the show because I’m locked in a goddamn restroom. I’m so relieved my family did not realize I was gone for much longer than normal OR the crowd of men around the women’s restroom door, yelling “DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE THE RIGHT KEY IS???” Surely they would have been so worried!
We did not miss the show thankfully because it proved to a highlight for all of us. I cried through the whole thing, Bart only nodded off once, and the child decided it was great— “Like a really long Eminem song” but also thought it could have been “about a half hour tops.” So, please consider that feedback Lin Manual Miranda. Hamilton Lite, if you will? Hamilton Express? Hamilton in a Hurry?
I’m so glad we waited until the child was ten to take him to London because that is the exact right age to appreciate everything this fabulous city has to offer. And guess what? Because Bart and I are basically the human equivalents of traffic cones that look like doo doo, we are about to surprise the child with news that we’ll be spending the second half of this week IN PARIS! Sound familiar? Will we ever learn?
Back to looking for touring famous neighborhoods on the hunt for the same Pokemon cards we can buy at our local drug store!
XO,
Shelly
Man, what an amazing tour. Seeing all the best bits! We took our three kids to England when they were 3, 5, and 7. It was amazing and also a bit nightmarish. (We had lived there pre-kids for one year, hence like you, the eagerness to go, and we also had a friend who offered us a place to stay). I remember the children lying on the floor of Heathrow while we waited in line for hours at customs after arriving from an overnight flight with a layover in Iceland. Two of them had just vomited on the plane during arrival because we circled the airport like 5 times. The King's Cross McDonald's was outstanding. And all the other McDonald's.
Now I wanna get some pictures next to statue butts. Set apart my dating profile