Let's Talk About Psychics
And analyze my suspicious, powerful witch girl energy
When I was fourteen, I choked out a psychic and lied to her face.
We’ll get to that.
First, you must understand my family’s obsession with psychics. We have a saying that goes something like this: Today is the present, yesterday is the past, tomorrow is unknown so why wait? Call a psychic!
My mom loved psychics. It was very normal for her to “have a psychic.” You have a tailor, a dentist, a preferred pharmacy, so why not “have” a person who gets real estate development tips from dead people on your roster?
When my mom loved a psychic, she promoted the hell out of them. Sometimes literally. (There were some questionable sources of otherworldly powers in the bunch). My mom’s pet psychic would become so popular she could barely get time with them which annoyed her and forced her to find a new favorite psychic. I wonder if they saw that coming?
Obviously I wanted some of that sweet psychic predictability for my tween self. I had so many questions!
When will I be cast on All My Children?
Did Scott Sutter touch my butt on purpose?
Do dogs like me?
Replies hazy. Every single time! I loved psychics, but they didn’t appear to love me. My mom said it was because I had suspicious energy and they could sense that. I preferred to think I had powerful, undiscovered witch girl energy that was intimidating to other witches. (I’ve been spinning this narrative for DECADES waiting for it to catch on.)
My mom on the other hand was a psychic darling. Perhaps because she was able to triple their income four days after one good reading? She was one of them. They told her so, but she already knew that. (See how good she was?) She would often say, “Answer the phone” seconds before it rang or, “You know Scott Sutter is gay, right?” without being consulted. But she was also very curious about when I would be cast on All My Children so I was often treated to a reading.
But I my suspicious energy lingered.
The Well-Known Psychic from Upstate New York!
When I was 12 I went to my first psychic experience. The star was a well-known psychic from upstate New York— one of the best. He helped police solve crimes! The experience was held at a theater where this well-known psychic paced a stage with a microphone, selecting people from the audience to “read” based on whose spirit guides had the most pick-me energy.
I definitely wanted to be “read” but I was also terrified. Did I want to know what my future held? What if it didn’t involve a NYC sound stage and fake slapping Erica Kane? But my mom’s powerful witch vibrations must have called in a favor because this well-known psychic pointed at me and asked me to stand up.
Holy shit!
When I stood up, this douchebag’s face fell down. Literally acted like picking me was on par with giving up your briefcase with $250,000 for one that held $100. This well-known psychic was not impressed by whatever ick my spirit guides were showing him. He wanted to get to Brenda with her sudden shoulder surgery and Les who was about to get laid off from his logistics job, and Debbie whose husband was definitely a dirtbag and she should totally leave him, but everyone in this audience knew she wouldn’t.
“Oh,” he said. “Okay. What do you want to know.”
Hmm… that was interesting. He didn’t ask anyone else what they wanted to know. He just started rattling off shit and they reacted. How embarrassing to have to lay out your deepest, most pressing desires bare on a stage at a psychic experience you attended with your mom! Speaking of moms, like the good, otherworldly stage mom she was, she belted out: “SHE WANTS TO BE AN ACTRESS!”
I can still picture his squirrelly little face sighing. Another dumb, early-developing tween with braces, a unibrow, and probably the beginning stages of very pungent BO thinking she can just waltz out on stage at be an actress! Was I getting heckled from another world?
“Yeah, sure, you’ll be on a stage and make your mother very proud. Next!”
My mom squealed! But I found this reading still somewhat hazy. Was he just telling us what my mom clearly wanted to hear?
I remained suspicious.
ARE YOU WEARING PERFUME???
A few years later I was not on a stage, but rather a Marriott by the West Palm Beach airport. We were on vacation when my mom saw an ad for a Psychic Fair. Hells yes we were going! But first we went to Bloomingdale’s to kill time before our appointments. While my mom was shopping for a ring she would later loose and need to consult three psychics to locate (all failed,) I wandered around the perfume section where a sales clerk leapt in my path like one of those monkeys from the Wizard of Oz and asked I wanted to try a new fragrance.
I did not want to try a new fragrance, but I wasn’t great at saying no to adults so I said yes and she whipped out her tea rose hose and coated me in 42 liters of perfume.
When we got in the car, my mom told me I smelled like the inside of a Garden Weevil’s butthole (I might be paraphrasing) and to open the goddamn windows even though it was 93 degrees and 99% humidity.
Inside the Marriott, my mom was carted off to a small bistro table and I was sent to a table in the middle of the room. My psychic looked like a high school English teacher about two years away from retiring. I tried my best to appear friendly and open and not at all suspicious! Surely this psychic would finish what the very well-known psychic started.
She introduced herself and immediately started coughing. She apologized, took a sip of water, and started over. Immediately she launched into another coughing jag.
“I’m so sorry,” she wheezed. “Are you wearing perfume?”
Uhhhhh…well…
Look. I was desperate. I wanted a good reading! I was OWED a good reading! I HAD SO MANY QUESTIONS. So I did what any teenager covered in half a bottle of tea rose perfume sitting eight inches from a person who was getting paid to read their mind would do.
I lied.
“Nope.”
Cough cough cough cough cough cough!!!!!
“Are you…cough cough cough cough…sure?”
“Yep. I am sure. No perfume.”
“I’m sorry…shjghkljghkdsjhgkjhhjhxjhsdhs…I can’t…shukjghjdhkhkghshj…breatheeeeeeeeee…”
She got up so fast she almost took the celestial themed tablecloth with her. A few minutes later the woman who checked us in came by to say my psychic had a very bad allergic reaction to something and was headed to the hospital. She’d be happy to give my mom her money back.
My suspicious energy lingered.
THE VOICES! MAKE THEM STOP!
My friend Kristina and I lost our moms about two years apart so naturally we had a joint Zoom session with a medium so we could tell them everything they're missing on The Real Housewives.
Our moms never met IRL, but we’re sure if they did they would have been the best of friends. They were loud and funny and loved slot machines, grandkids, and their daughters. We were so excited to introduce them!
This medium was nice, soft spoken, and calm. We loved him right away. Our moms apparently did too because they showed up immediately. It was one joke after another! The medium could barely keep up.
“Okay so… Kathy is it? She wants you to know there’s something in the file cabinet behind the desk? Did you look there? And Judy something about ring? And flashcards?”
“Oh that’s my mom,” I said. “Does she finally know where the ring is?”
“What’s in the filing cabinet?” Kristina asked. “We can’t open it!”
“Is she mad about the flashcards?” I asked.
“No, umm…I think she’s ok…wait, one of them is showing me…raccoons?”
“My mom?” I asked. Maybe a raccoon ate her ring? “Does she like my hair? It’s longer, but not as dark?”
“No, that’s my mom!” Kristina said. “Yes, tell her they’re still there!”
“What about a boat? And someone’s chest? Is that…lungs? Did someone get bypass surgery? Oh wait, I mean a new rug? That can’t be. Oh gosh yes, she really likes the rug. Wow, they sure have a lot to say! Okay, ladies, slow down. One at a time! Your hair is still too dark. Oh, ha ha, wow, there is a lot of chatter in— LADIES! PLEASE! ONE AT A TIME! What’s in the file cabinet??? Kathy likes your hair. I can’t see the ring— SHOW ME THE RING, JUDY! Get highlights! What sidewalk? Who’s blood pressure? What about Hawaii??? Call your brother! Oh my god what are you talking about? I can’t take it! LADIES WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!!!???????
And then he was gone.
Just poofed off our laptop screens, like Carol Anne vanishing into the TV set. Portal closed. Not even a chance to say goodbye! To anyone!
He texted Kristina ten minutes later apologizing about his psychic electrical panel imploding. He said he’d be happy to finish our sessions separately and later because he really needed a break and our moms were really tough reads.
And that’s when my suspicious energy started to wane. But you already knew that, didn’t you?
XO,
Shelly
We Laughed, We Cried (tears of laughter), We Talked About D&D
I had the distinct honor of visiting
’s awesome Substack, Humor Me for a Q&A. We chatted about writing, D&D, and a book rec for new parents that is surprisingly not my own (I mean, I feel like that is a given, right?)Speaking of which, if you’re on the market for some funny parenting books (and really, who isn’t?) check out some more of my book recs featuring works by
, , and of course Julie, here.Enough About the Book Baby!
You guys… my book has officially released! I went to both of my neighborhood bookstores and stood before them with a quivering lip until they agreed to order it. I even promised to buy it myself if it hasn’t sold in a month. How’s that for hand-selling? Try it! It’s fun!
Does this mean i’ll stop talking about my book? Absolutely not. I am obsessed with this book. I need to talk about it. It’s as close to a sibling that my son will ever have.
Smooches!
LOVED THIS! I can’t believe you almost killed a psychic who couldn’t seem to divine that you were, in fact, wearing perfume. And that Kathy and Judy completely broke a different one. I think you and I should do a Zoom with a psychic to see if we’re long-lost siblings, or if we were conjoined twins in a previous life or something. Come on!
Oh my gosh that's hysterical. You're my favorite kind of "sitter," as we call you.