This could be one of my child’s earliest memories of mommy. That’s me making a big vat of sugary fruit stuff and dumping a bottle of rum into it.
“What’s Mommy doing to my Kool-Aid?”
Well, son, it’s not always about you. Sometimes mommies and daddies need a little kick to their sugary beverages. Also when they say “Don’t drink the Kool-Aid, this is what they’re talking about.”
To be fair, this wasn’t his birthday party. It was Bart’s. And even I knew 11 month old babies shouldn’t be drinking Kool-Aid from a vat. That needs to go in a bottle!
Experts believe kids start forming memories around the age of two. (I’ve researched it extensively.) They say this is because babies don’t have a fully developed memory. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure it’s biology’s way of protecting infants from the terrible things their clueless parents say and do around them. Now that he’s ten and (thankfully) has a sense of humor, we ask our son what he remembers just to make sure my research is correct.
“Do you remember crying in your car seat for like thirty-five thousand hours straight and daddy calling you a dickhead?”
“Do you remember us propping up your bottle with a stuffed monkey so daddy and I could sleep through your middle of the night feedings?”
“Do you remember how you and I spent all twelve weeks of maternity leave watching Sex and the City marathons?”
That last one he claims to have vague memories of (and I’m almost inclined to believe him based on how he reacts to women named Samantha.) Some studies show babies as young as six months can form both short-term memories that last for minutes and long-term memories that last weeks, if not months so I guess it’s possible? Once when he was older and more cognizant of his surroundings and I was watching a SATC rerun he asked, “Mom, is this appropriate for me?” Again kid, it’s not always about you. But umm, yeah, some of these jokes are totally wasted on a four year-old.
Wouldn’t it be great if we were honest with new parents about how hard those early days, months, even years are with a new baby/toddler? Like honest to the point of maybe scaring them a little? Honest to the point of when it ends up being not that bad, they actually feel pretty good about themselves? I took every, single prep class offered through the hospital and not one of them told me what to do if things didn’t go as planned. What do I do if breastfeeding isn’t the most natural thing in the world (SPOILER: it’s not.) What do I do if my kid is crying? How much crying is too much crying? What do I do if I’m riddled with postpartum anxiety and fear performing basic newborn tasks like applying butt cream or warming up a bottle? What do I do if I think I’m failing miserably?
Here’s what I think (no one asked me): Let’s stop making parents feel bad if they don’t know what they’re doing or feel like they’re messing up or not loving every, single minute. You can be grateful to have a kid that you love very much and still miss your single life of staying up late on a Friday night, watching Nick at Night marathons while high on Benadryl. (Just me?) I’m going to revamp the entire new parent education series in America. Know anyone who would benefit from my So You Think You Suck at Parenting six-week intensive? Send them my way. In this course, you will learn:
Breast-Feeding is Best! The formula (get it?) for a happy, healthy baby is a nice, full belly. Fill that bottle anyway you want to, Mom!Is Everyone Getting it But Me? Good lord, no! Everyone with a newborn is drowning and second guessing all their life choices! Find your village of fellow idiots and really thrive!
Social Media Detox! Everyone’s feed is highly curated! You know this! Anyone can take a photo of a sleeping baby and proclaim how happy they are. Shock and delight your followers with honest depictions of true misery!
Why Do Small People Need Such Big Things? Great question! They don’t! Babies need a safe place to crash, some cute outfits, diapers, and some feeding supplies.
I Changed My Baby on the Floor of a Public Restroom. Am I Going to Jail??? No! But you are, you’ll probably see me there! Wanna hang out at the commissary and beg cigarettes of our fellow inmates?
Tell a new parent they’re doing just fine. And if you’re a new parent and no one is telling you that, here you go: You’re doing great. Now go wash that changing pad in very hot water.
What I’m Loving These Days
Books: I totally judge books by their covers and this one jumped right out at me.
I’m late to the whole Nora McInerny party and no one is more disappointed in me than me. I loooooooooooooooove this woman and all her vibes, good, bad, and otherwise. You will laugh your way through every heartbreaking, observational detail. That’s my favorite kind of book, you know? The ones that make you laugh and then feel guilty for laughing because it’s about something awful.
Podcast: Let’s keep it in theme. After I bought all of Nora’s other books, I deep dived into her equally funny and charming podcast, Terrible, Thanks for Asking. You know what? Sometimes you need to hear about terrible things that happen to pretty great people and how they overcame them. A true narrative arc! I especially loved this episode with author, Courtney Maum. I was so moved by it, days later I burst out crying mid-Pilates workout and told my instructor she was my “horse.” It will make sense once you listen to the episode.
Recipe: We’re heading into party season which means I’m all over Pinterest (because I’m old) lusting after new recipes. Need to bring something to a potluck? Hosting your kid’s basketball team? Just a regular Tuesday? I GOT YOU! Here’s one to tuck in your back pocket (but not really because GROSS. You’ll have hummus oozing down your butt crack!) It’s foolproof and gets rave reviews every time. Chickpea Shawarma Dip. Hot tip: You can buy everything you need already prepared at Trader Joe’s. Take it home and assemble!
Shameless Plug: Dragon Talk is the Official D&D Podcast that I happen to co-host alongside my buddy Greg Tito. (Greg came over today and played basketball against my son and his friend and totally kicked their butts. Greg is really good both boys wanted to ditch each other and be on his team but I’m so bad we had to even things out by forcing him to play with me. We all got better after 15 minutes on the court with Greg! And now my quads hurt. Thanks, Greg!) But I digress.
This week’s episode is the culmination of everything I have worked for in my professional and personal career— we interviewed two of the fabulous minds behind The Real Housewives of Dungeons & Dragons, Riley Rose Critchlow and Valen Shore. My dreams have come true. My worlds have collided. It’s everything I could have hoped for and more. And trust me, even if you aren’t a Housewives or reality TV fan, it’s still an entertaining and enlightening chat about how you can find inspiration anywhere and why you should always listen to the voice(s) in your head. Enjoy the episode here.
Until next time!
XO,
Shelly
Ok, your kids are probably pretty smart so maybe a few key worlds will be retained? But I just asked Quinn about a few incidents that occurred when he was 2 and there’s nothing there. Also how are your girls two???????
OMG the kids remembering things is soooo perfectly timed. I can just see my 2yo twins holding things I've said now against me later!