A Bunch of Truths and Some Lies

A fabulist fabricates freely

In honor of my friends, The Real Housewives, let’s play one of their favorite dinner party game: Two Truths and a Lie. There are no rules EXCEPT:

• It doesn’t have to be just two truths and one lie. In fact, it can’t be. I don’t know how many truths and how many lies will be spilling out of me, but I cannot be held back.

• NO ONE will be flipping a table here! Or throwing a butter knife. Or slapping another person with a cloth napkin. COUTH, people! We have COUTH.

  

  Yes, that happened!

  I love lying. Some might call it “fiction writing” or “daydreaming” or “embellishing.” I just call it as I see it— I’m lying! Some of my best work has been lies. Such as:

  • Telling Chris Kenny in 1st grade that I was magic and could grant him one wish. He wished for a puppy (real original, Chris) so I said, blah blah mumble mumble YOU GET A PUPPY and he told me the next day when he woke up there was a puppy in his bed! So, uh, either I am freakin magic or Chris Kenny also has a penchant for lying.

  • Telling my entire middle school that my mom won the necklace I was wearing on Wheel of Fortune. Umm, do y’all not have cable and a subscription to the Binghamton Press? You did. And we all watched Wheel of Fortune. Did any of you suckers see my mom on there? A woman you all knew and saw almost daily from when you were in kindergarten? You don’t think the Binghamton Press would have given Judy from Binghamton out there buying all the vowels and a chunky silver-plated choker for her daughter a little write up in the community section? And yet, no one questioned it. Ever. FWIW, she got the necklace from the Home Shopping Club.

  • Someone tried to make fun of me in elementary school because they could see the tiny blood vessels on the side of my nose. There were so many things they could have made fun of me for: my hairy arms, my budding big nose, my overbite, that time I tried to pass off my stuffed dog as a real dog, when I went around telling everyone I was magic and could grant wishes, but no— they went for the tiny blood vessels on the side of my nose. So I told them when I was a baby I was born with thin skin and almost died. Like, if I grew too quickly my skin would just rip apart like wet tissue paper. I wasn’t even allowed to get it wet and had to be cleaned with a feather duster and a can of Lysol. Thankfully my skin “thickened up” around the time I was three so I could come out of my bubble, but despite the doctors best attempts, the skin around my nose remained really thin and could rupture at any time and if it did I would just drop dead. Not only did this person believe me, but they tried really hard to become my friend and were nicer to me then my grandma (who was very nice, trust me.)

All that is to say, I like making stuff up. So sue me. Or wait, people can get sued for this kind of stuff. Does libel count if it’s against yourself?

Let’s get lying!

1. When I was 10-years-old my brother and I watched Mommie Dearest and I became obsessed with Joan Crawford. My mom immediately threw me into acting classes, thinking/hoping it must have been the theatrical nature of Joan that spoke to me (eh…sorry, mom.) My grandma got me a robe with shoulder pads (I told you she was nice) that I wore around the house all the time and polyester sheets that looked like satin. I memorized the whole movie and created a one-woman show I forced my family to watch—often. Allegedly my brother and I made our younger cousins “role-play” Mommie Dearest with us. Allegedly we were especially fond of the wire hanger scene. Allegedly they still can’t seem to get over this.

   

   Uncanny…

2. I was once attacked by a moth in my own home! That thing flew out of my bathroom and ran right into my face and repeatedly CHARGED at me with his fat, furry, gross, wannabe-butterfly body and KNOCKED ME ON THE GROUND. I moved out shortly after. I hate moths to this day. If I see one near my front door, I will enter my home through a window or garage. I ain’t falling for their knock-off bitter butterfly bullshit. Moths are assholes.

3. I was the “lady sawed in half” at a magic show! Upon taking my seat, a woman (whom I later would discover was the magician’s assistant) approached me, asked how tall I was, and then offered me a part in the show! I believe her exact words were, “Yeah, you’ll fit in the box.” Normally I wouldn’t agree to be “put in a box” but when it comes with the opportunity to be cut in half in front of 48 audience members, how could I say no? As instructed, when the magician asked for volunteers, I raised my hand and was called to the stage, stuffed in a box, told to wiggle my feet, and then sawed in half— much to the awe and wonder of the audience. Then I was put back together, helped out of the box, and sent back to my seat. My friend was like, "Holy crap, are you okay??? That looked so real!” Umm, does it look like you’re sitting next to a torso with no legs, friend???? But I wasn’t okay. I was woefully disappointed to not be asked to go on tour with the magic show.

4. I have no idea how magicians do the “saw a lady in half trick” even after being the lady sawed in half.

5. I have a sixth sense for knowing when someone is pregnant. A thought just pops in my head like, “Oh, I bet Todd’s wife is pregnant” or “Better ask Chrissy for THE REPORT before she gets overcome with morning sickness and has to take three months off!” A couple years ago when my dad was visiting, he rented a townhouse with a beautiful rooftop deck. The only problem was the deck was separated by his neighbors’ deck with a waist-high wall. The neighbors were a young, married couple and thankfully really cool, fun people (despite owning an expensive house literally attached to a popular Air B&B rental by a mere pony wall) and one night my dad and I stayed up too late and got really drunk with them. I think at one point, I slithered over the wall to their side of the deck and started drinking their boxed wine. Anyway, the husband was telling me about their struggles to conceive and how they were about to try IVF and I said, “Oh, save your money! She’s already pregnant. Glug, glug, glug, pass me the spigot!” The following summer my dad rented a different townhouse sadly, but we ran into the couple at a restaurant and guess what— they had not one but TWO babies! Twin girls! I even remembered the name she told me she wanted to name her future, one-day daughter. And yes, the math checked out! She was definitely pregnant that night on the deck. Shockingly, neither of them remembered me predicting it (but they remembered a whole bunch of other stuff we won’t get into here until I figure out that whole SELF-LIBEL thing.)

6. I once mispronounced the word “deprecating” in front of one of the biggest literary agents in the business not once, but three times. He corrected me each time, but I totally didn’t get it and just carried on, saying it wrong, demonstrating how great I would be as a client.

7. On vacation in Australia, my friends and I went on the most amazing snorkeling excursion on the Great Barrier Reef (you cannot say that without sounding pretentious, I’m sorry.) We floated face-first into the most incredible water and were treated to a show of sea turtles, technicolor fish, and neon coral that could easily slice off a limb if you looked at it wrong. When it was time to depart, my fellow snorkelers and I made our way to the swim platform to be hauled back onto the boat. I was the last to get there and when I was finally aboard, the captain casually pointed out the GIANT¹ shark that was swimming a mere 4 feet from where me and my noodle were. “He probably just ate,” the captain said. “Otherwise, you’d a bin a gona!” I threw up in the oversized barrel that stored our post-snorkel Coronas much to the dismay of the 23 other passengers who paid $17 extra for the booze cruise excursion. Australia, man. Everything will kill you.

8. Speaking of throw up (GAH!) I am absolutely, paralyzingly terrified of hearing it, smelling it, talking about it, and especially doing it. I will just sit closed mouthed for HOURS feeling deathly horrible rather than just BLAHHHHHH and be done it with. I almost didn’t want to have a baby because I was so scared I would have morning sickness (I didn’t.) OMG, I’m getting sweaty just writing about it. Moving on.

9. I have never played Monopoly without getting very, very angry or crying.

10. My dream job as a child was to be a waitress at my favorite restaurant, Friendly’s. Ever supportive, my dad came home one day with an application and said I should fill it out, but would had to wait nine years to turn it in. Then one Sunday, must have been a special occasion, my parents took my brother and I to brunch at the Holiday Inn and I was like, What in the service industry heaven is this? I am home! So bye bye, Friendly’s. I was all about that Holiday Inn brunch buffet, baby! At home I would “play” waitress, taking all the dishes and glasses out of the cupboards, put them on the table, and then clear them. Clearing dishes was really my favorite part so in reality I wanted to be a busser, not a waitress. Years later my dream came true when I took my theater degree from a private college in Upstate NY and got a job at a gourmet deli in one of Seattle’s nicest neighborhoods. I took orders at the counter, rang people up, and handed them their food. One day a guy took a menu and SAT DOWN. Umm, what the hell, dude? Get back up here and tell me if you want the chicken caesar wrap hot or cold. So my boss and I just stared at him until he finally said, “I guess you have to go take his order.” From that moment on, we became a “sit down restaurant.” I was actually quite terrible at waiting tables, which is odd considering how many years of training I had.

    

    The famous Reese’s Pieces Sundae. It took nine girls to finish one of these. I spent years pretending I couldn’t do it by myself. See? Another lie!

Hard to believe but one of those is a LIE! Can you guess which #? Drop your guess in the comments and I confess in the next issue.

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My Issues

Talk is Cheap

Or rather, Dragon Talk is cheap. Now that the official D&D pod is on hiatus for the summer, you’re probably missing the sounds of Greg Tito and I blathering on in your eardrums. I’ve got the cure in the form of a sweet discount (60% off!) for the audio book version of Welcome to Dragon Talk which Greg and I narrate!

Take advantage of this special, limited-time sale here.

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My First Home Arrest

I am pretty resourceful and can find lots of trash gems hidden within he fleshy folds of the internet. But I can’t find them all. That’s where you come in, Readers Dearest. Thank you to Kathy D. for “thinking of me” when she spotted this amazing must-have for the future white-crime fraudster on your shopping list.

Sadly, this is not real. Even more sad is the amount of time I spent online looking for it.

I can’t wait to see kids at the park running (but not too far) away from their tiny parole officers to the kids playing in their Free Needle Exchange clubhouse. Ahh, kids these days.

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Truly Bananas

Have you ever seen an actual banana peel on the ground? I had not until a few days ago. It caught me so off guard (but not off my feet!) I had to take a picture.

You guys, how does this happen? Either someone:

A. was eating a banana while walking down the street and decided to just drop the peel thinking it’s compostable or the birds will eat it or someone will appreciate how the bright yellow contrasts so nicely with the dull gray of the sidewalk and get inspired to paint the exterior of their home OR

B. someone is up to no good.

I’m dubious. Stay safe out there, friends and don’t forgot to vote for my LIE!

XO,

Shelly

1. in my recollection!