A Holiday in Pictures

And some words because it's a newsletter after all.

Is she a force for good? Who can tell?

I love the New York Times, “Year in Pictures” galleries. It inspired me to curate a group of iconic photos that help defined this holiday season and truly represent these past two weeks. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, which in theory should make my job easy, but you should know by now brevity is not my strong suit.

A Middle-Aged Lady Mom’s 2023 Holiday in Pictures:

Top Row

1. Disney Do-Over: We’re back, bitches! Only this time there was no anticlimactic surprises or delusions of Jimmy Fallon. Highlights included Animal Kingdom, having dinner with my wonderful agent and her wonderful husband, walking around the entirety of Epcot in the pouring rain, taking the fancy new, endorsed—by-a-Real-Housewife-of-Miami, Brightline train to West Palm Beach, and being the only jackasses swimming in the enormous hotel pool during a massive rain storm and having seven stoic but slightly irritated, lifeguards watching over us. We told our son we rented out the whole pool for him because we’re clever opportunists like that.

2. Middle-Aged Lady Mom Snow Globe: The weather at Disney was pretty terrible: cold, windy, and rainy. When will they figure out how to control that? But as a result, I got this cool poncho which made me not only feel like I was invincible, but also walking around in my own personal snow globe. When we got back to the hotel room that night, it immediately crumbled under the weight of its own self-imposed overachievement, and dissolved on the floor. I knelt beside it and wept.

3. Gorilla Moms are Just Like Us: Animal Kingdom was a big hit. I beat my son in a carnival game winning the stuffed triceratops he coveted. My husband made me give to him anyway. Rude.

   We also saw the hammiest, most adorable baby gorilla. It was here I realized that Middle-Aged Lady Moms exist in all parts of the animal kingdom, Disney or otherwise. Can’t a mom get a little uninterrupted chill time? It was clear that even if you live in a literal jungle gym, a mother’s tired, bone-mass challenged back, will be your favorite toy. My disks bulge in solidarity with this gorilla mom.

In case you’re wondering about dad, he’s living his best life as the father of three children with three different gorilla moms. We saw him later in a totally different part of the exhibit, sitting behind a tree, picking his ass.

Second Row

1. Porter the Cat: It was a holiday of missing and mistaken gifts. Porter seems like a lovely cat, but he’s not Squeaks— my brother’s beloved cat who passed away recently. I tried to memorialize Squeaks with a custom pet portrait, but was sent a portrait of a cat named Porter instead. So I framed, wrapped, and gifted Porter to my grieving and very confused brother. What choice did I have? We know Squeaks is out there somewhere, (maybe with Porter’s family?) and he will return to his rightful owner in 5-7 days, but in the meantime Porter has become our family’s mascot¹ and we love him dearly.

2. Nightstand of the Living Dead: Speaking of messed up gifts, we brought the worst, messiest, most non-returnable gift of all from Disney. The flu!

   F.U., flu! Not cool!

   The best part was the staggered release schedule. My husband went down first. Hoping to keep ourselves safe (IT’S EVERY GORILLA MOM AND BABY FOR THEMSELVES), we shoved him into a bedroom with a ceiling fan and some DayQuil and left containers of chili and oyster crackers outside his door every other day. But it was no use. Two days later, the child won a stuffed axolotl the size of a food truck from the bowling ally claw machine and announced he did not feel well. (Thank goodness he was under the weather or I’d be figuring out how to load three food-truck-sized axolotls in our suitcases.) Two days after that despite sleeping with a mask on and overdosing on elderberry and Vitamin C, I was shivering, achy, and hallucinating with a fever in bed. Who would leave chili outside my door???

   When we finally came out of the fog, I was surrounded by chest-pumping, high-fiving gorilla dads congratulating each other for getting healthy again and telling me how lucky I was to “not get it bad like we did!” OMG you big oafs! Did anyone notice I haven’t been around for three days??? No, they did not because the shopping was done, the presents were wrapped, and everyone’s favorite cookies were baked (before I got sick because otherwise ew). So I crumbled on the floor like a wet poncho under the weight of my own self-imposed overachievement and went back to bed to watch Hallmark movies.

3. Key Lime Merrytinis: One of my most cherished holiday traditions happens on Christmas Eve. While my dad and I wait for our pizza order, I treat him to a drink. It’s the only time of year my dad let’s me treat him to anything. I was so worried I wouldn’t be well enough to enjoy the tradition, but O Holy Night— I recovered enough. It was the best Christmas miracle since Carol Brady got her voice back in time to sing O Come All Ye Faithful! Last year we upped our game when we discovered Key Lime Martini’s and I literally thought about these stupid, delicious drinks for the next 364 days. This year we treated ourselves to seconds and everyone else got a nice, cold pizza. Worth it.

Third Row

1. A Very Hairy Christmas Eve: Also this year we welcomed a new tradition on Christmas Eve: ugly sweaters. My son picked this beauty out for my dad. The weird thing— my dad loved this damn sweater. He walked around all night with screen printed photos of big bulbs hanging off big, hairy nipples and shitty prison tats and kept saying what good quality and how soft it was. Soft? Was he stroking the soft ripples of back hair cascading down his shoulders? Poor guy had no idea his polyester ass crack was showing.

2. The Moment I Stopped Swimming in the Ocean: A fisherman pulled this guy on shore right where I've swam every April and December for the last thirty-five years! That’s gonna be a hell no from me, my good sir! I don’t know why I’m always surprised to see sharks in the ocean- or in this case, being pulled out of the ocean. They have the whole ocean to be swimming in, can’t they leave the part by the shore for us? And before you say, “Oh that’s not even a big one!” or “That’s not the kind that eat people!” I want you to ask yourself, would you like to have this little baby rub up on the backs of your thighs? Not happening. Goodbye, Sweet Ocean. I will cherish our time together. (Yes, the shark was released back into the ocean where he belongs.)

3. New Holiday Classic Film Alert: One silver lining of being sick was getting caught up on Hallmark holiday movies. I even switched to the Hallmark Mystery channel and discovered a whole other crop of classics such as, Checking It Twice. This cinematic masterpiece is an inspiring tale about a hockey player who finds himself in small town Idaho on some very minor league hockey team with aspirations of making it to the big league in Boise. It was clearly written by someone who has never seen or heard of hockey (i.e. “making it big in Boise”), but thankfully had a 1978 Encyclopedia Brittanica to reference while crafting this movie marvel. There were some really authentic and immersive scenes like the one where the team all spoke like Bob and Doug McKenzie when dropping insidery nuggets like, “We just need to work on our breakaways, eh?” I don’t want to spoil the ending, but I’ll just say someone fell in love and gave up on his dreams of GOING TO BOISE in favor of staying in a small town to coach a kids hockey team. Glorious. 5 stars. Highly recommend.

Bonus:

1. Best Christmas Meme: Still laughing at this meme. Send it around again next year. I do love a bitchy reindeer.

Awww, Santa, lighten up! GET IT????? Ooooooh someone’s on the naughty list next year!

I hope you all had a merry and bright holiday season and wish you all the best in 2024! Good times ahead! I just know it.

XO,

Shelly

1. Mascat?