Ask a Middle-Aged Lady (and Friends!)

How do I get my wife to let me parent?

We have a VERY exciting Ask a Middle-Aged Lady Mom today! Not only did we get a question from a DAD, but we got a COUNCIL of DADS giving advice! Well, and me, your friendly neighborhood middle-aged lady mom buttinsky, because it would be weird to call this column Ask a Middle-Aged Lady Mom, but only have a bunch of cool dads show up.

Let’s gooooooooooo!

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Q: Dad here. My wife is an exceptional human who does most of the work around here. We both know that. We have 3 kids between ages 4 and 9, she works part-time, and is everyone’s go to for everything from negotiating a peace treaty with a sibling to scheduling doctor’s appointments to party planning, bill paying, home maintenance, and well…you get the picture. She’s exhausted and I want to do more. I love my kids and spend plenty of time with them, but I do work full-time outside of the house so most of the daytime activities fall to her. I’m trying to take on more of the house and scheduling tasks but whenever I do something, I’m told it’s being done wrong or she doesn’t have time to explain what needs to be done or she’ll contradict what I just told the kids or gets angry if I didn’t tell her something because in my mind I was trying to spare her another thing to worry about and just handle it myself! Look, I’m not perfect, but I’m perfectly capable of signing a kid up for ballet lessons. How can I be of help if I’m constantly getting cut out or cut down? 

—Give Dad a Chance

Answer (Shelly): I had double check to make sure I didn’t have 2 extra kids running around here because this question sounds exactly like something my husband would ask. Yikes!

Am I really that controlling? Yes, yes I am.

Could I lighten my own mental load if I was less controlling? Yes, yes I could.

Well, why don’t I?

My husband is a smart dude. He even has a master’s degree! After my work trip to Austin last week, my husband and son met me in San Francisco for the weekend and I let my husband pack for our son. I sweated it all week! And get this— my son immediately ran out of socks, underwear, and t-shirts. Why? Because my husband very pragmatically packed “just enough” for what he’d need and not two-weeks of extra everything because he didn’t realize our son goes through socks, underwear, and shirts faster than Beyonce goes through sequined onesies.

Mom, did Dad bring my Golden State Warriors thigh-highs?

There’s a lot of institutional knowledge up in here. I’ve spent years doing stupid shit like figuring out the exact right fold to fit 14 pairs of my son’s pants in a drawer instead of just 12 pairs. I know he likes the edamame in the pod and not already shelled. WE LIKE BUBBLEGUM FLAVORED TOOTHPASTE ONLY! Don’t come at us with your strawberry mint and blue raspberry garbage! What do you think this is—a slushy drink in which case we only drink strawberry mint and blue raspberry??? Could I share this intel with the other adult caregiver in the house? YES! But it’s so much easier to keep it all to myself and endlessly complain about it, okay?

Sometimes I like to imagine I’m in therapy moaning about how tired I am because I have to do ALL THE THINGS. And then I imagine my therapist getting real sick of my shit and finally saying, “IF YOU WANT HELP, YOU HAVE TO LET HIM HELP! HIS WAY!” And I look at her all shocked like she slapped me across the face and honestly it stings just as much because in that moment I realize I have been complaining about a loving, kind, fully capable dad and husband and this shady bitch is secretly in love with him and also secretly HIS therapist and convincing him to LEAVE ME so she can take my place, move into my home, delete all my shows on the DVR, and just sit there and smile while my now ex-husband tries to remember the name of my son’s teacher. And I ask you, do you understand why I haven’t gone to therapy yet??? Also, would you not watch the bejesus out of this Lifetime movie????

All this is to say, is I relate to your wife. It’s not you, it’s her. Being a parent is hard and overwhelming so we moms spend innumerable hours trying to beat it like it’s a video game and the idea of giving someone else the controller (holy crap, it’s even called a controller! This analogy works!) is terrifying. We are afraid if we let someone else help, it will all come crashing down and we just can’t deal with another mess to clean up!

That one time I let my husband make our son’s lunch…

But your wife does want you to help. She doesn’t want to do it all. She doesn't want to say no to you assisting even if you do fold your kid’s pants all wrong. So here’s what you can do: Find a task that isn’t on her to do list and do it. Make that your thing. Does the dog look a little mangy? Say, “Hey! I found a new groomer I’m going to take Mr. Dirty Paws to this Saturday. It’s near the dry cleaners so I’ll just drop off the laundry too.” Sure, she had no intention of taking Mr. Dirty Paws to the groomer so it’s not really ticking something off her to-do list, but that’s okay. Seeing you as an active contributor who is taking initiative around the house will give her confidence and appreciation for your skills. You’re like the intern trying to impress the boss.

Keep adding new tasks to your list until one day you gently and stealthily take one of hers too. (Start with one she doesn’t seem to like and that you are very confident you can do.) Soon you’ll be talking to the pediatrician about weird rashes and buying a bag of Dum Dums for the classroom party. (And you’ll appreciate owning these tasks even more thanks to the hard work it took to earn them and if that isn’t just the most dad-thing to say, I don’t know what is.)

Here’s something else you can do. Tell her you appreciate her and everything she does for the family. Make sure your kids notice too. It’s not called the invisible load for nothing. Maybe get her out of the house for a few hours while you and the kids clean up and make a special meal (and then clean up afterwards!) You’re making her feel appreciated AND proving you know how to load— and unload— a dishwasher. Be careful what you wish for!

Answer (The Dad Council): We are 5 at-home dads who have raised 16 kids together. We’ve been doing this for that entire time, so we might have a unique perspective on your problem. It’s easier for us to understand the problem from both sides.

So first off, you are never asking permission to parent. Just because you do things differently, do not make them wrong. It is a constant frustration to us when people suggest that fathers “don’t know what they are doing.” It’s just not true. At our best, we embrace our natural talents as men to parent. For example, when we craft, we build siege weapons. Sure, we’ve done our fair share of coloring, but let me ask you, have you ever colored an egg and then launched it into the air with a trebuchet? You should. It’s awesome. But the point is, you’ve got this, and your post proves that you know it.

Second, we can see your wife’s side because we’ve lived it as well. Sometimes we have things just the way we like them, and then our spouse comes along and makes a mess of it. That’s fine, however, sometimes it makes more work for us. That is what we are trying to get out of. More work equals less downtime. And sometimes I think we get too controlling. The best thing we can do is walk away and let our spouses discover how to do it for themselves. That’s easier said than done.

So on to the actual advice of what to do here. We all think that you are on the right track, now it’s time to take true ownership. In short, get your wife out of the house.

You already realize the amount of the mental load that she takes. The problem seems to stem from her inability to give up some of that control. We’ve been there; we get it. At first, the dad council debated sending her away for the weekend. We all believe in trial by fire, so to speak. And then you do things with her gone the way you want to. And when she comes back, boom, shit got done. Kids got signed up to whatever. But then we agreed that it might be too much. Not for you, but for your wife. So instead, send her out during the day maybe for a couple of hours and you take on the role fully. Don’t call. Don’t text. Just handle it, which you know you can.

Next, take over a task completely. From inception, planning, and execution. This has always been the biggest help. For example, my wife always handled bath time. I wasn’t allowed to help at all and was pushed out the door. I wasn’t allowed to “rescue” her when one of the toddlers screamed or cried. And why would I? She’s a parent. She’s got this. And having that time to myself allowed me to clear my head. So take a task that she hates more than anything and just truly own it, whatever that may be.

This isn’t going to be easy, to be honest. You’re going to have to talk to her about your concerns. Tell her (don’t ask) that you are taking over a few specific duties because you both need it. She needs to lighten her mental load, and you need time to bond with your child. It’s through those acts of caregiving that we truly connect with our young children, and a lot of fathers are robbed of this opportunity. Present it to her this way because the truth is that it will benefit all of you.

You are worth more to your family than just a paycheck. You deserve to have that time with your kids doing the everyday tasks and she deserves time to herself. My wife and I (Shannon) have a rule in place. We both work 9 to 5 jobs. At the end of it, we are both parents. That means at night the responsibilities are 50/50. We each take the tasks we both enjoy most, plus a few that we know the other hates. It works out in the end.

So go get yours dad. You’ve got this.

Credit: Shannon Carpenter author of the Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad. 

Mick of the Country Music Dads Podcast. 

And guest staring: Larry, Jake and Mike

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Dannnnnnggggggg, those dads know a thing or two about a thing or two! Ask a Middle-Aged Lady Mom isn’t just for and by MALMs so get on in here and ask a question. We’ve got dads, young people, therapists, doctors, empty-nesters and more all standing by to answer your most pressing parenting questions! Fill out this form!

XO,

Shelly