Ask a Middle-Aged Lady Mom
How do I promote body confidence in my tween son?
I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell my husband and son thirty-seven times a day: You are so lucky to have me, buckos!
But why, Shelly, you ask, probably with that same befuddled tinged with terror look my son and husband have right now.
Without me, you wouldn’t have Kathryn Barbash, PsyD. Alright, maaaaaaaybe that’s a bit of an overstatement. You absolutely would have Kathryn because she is her own person, living her own life, writing her own great Substack. But you wouldn’t have her here, guest answering this week’s Ask a Middle-Aged Lady Mom.
See? Lucky.
My husband and son on the other hand…
Kathryn writes the awesome Substack, Mindful Mom in the Mud. Sure, she’s a clinical psychologist and a mom and she’s very, very funny and a great writer. She’s also incredibly generous showing up to this sweaty chaos hovel to provide thoughtful, supportive, and insightful advice about a complicated subject.
As much as I love inserting myself into conversations I should have no part of and proselytizing about topics I’m not qualified to speak on, this question had me stuck like the back of a middle-aged lady’s bare thighs to a plastic deck chair. So I’ll be sitting back, shutting up, and taking copious notes.
Another reason you’re lucky to have me, buckos! I can read a room!
Q: My son and his friends are 11-years-old and I'm noticing a lot of body shaming and body commenting in general. First, the body shaming. This is usually brought up in the context of telling how someone made a negative comment about another boy’s body and how he realizes this kind of commentary is wrong. It’s usually about another kid being too big or too short. I’m glad there is talk and awareness about the harmfulness of body shaming but I’m still surprised there is so much of it with 11-year-old boys. Maybe I’m naive? The other thing my son does is comment on his own body. He’s not as tall as his friend or he asks why his “sides” have so much fat. He is always asking me to feel his muscles and talks about doing push-ups to “get a six-pack.” I remind him that he and his friends are children and bodies go through a number of changes until they fully mature. But I’m now wondering if there is something else going on and I should be responding differently. A lot of what I say he chalks up to “But you’re my mom, you have to say that.” I know he and his friends are heading into dreaded tween and teen territory and there is something I could be doing or saying to give him a stronger foundation before things really start getting weird, I want to do it.
— Caught off Guard in Michigan
Dear Caught off Guard in Michigan,
Bodies are complicated. I have to admit I think a lot about bodies—but not in a super weird way, I promise. We had a few boys before we had a girl in our family. Part of me had a false belief that I would need to worry less about body stuff because they were boys. This is bogus. It was a mental Jedi trick as I prepared for being so incredibly outnumbered by boys. I took something off my mental plate. And now that I am out of the madness of babies, I am back to my senses.
So back to thinking about bodies. In my home, we have a bunch of really different bodies. Different body types and body needs have made us quite aware that there is a lot to navigate at all stages of the game. As parents, we tend to expect most of the body-related focus to be in the teen years but kids experience a lot of messages before adolescence. Kids are exposed to ideas about “ideal” physical attributes everywhere. This goes beyond social media which we often attribute the worst of the body messages (which there are many). Messages are in books, advertising, news, video games, and more. And even if we try to keep them under a rock, their friends consume these messages, too. Unfortunately, cross off “keeping them under a rock” as a strategy.
Here's the good news: you are already doing my number one tip, listening. Your kid is talking to you about this stuff and your ears have perked up. Relationships where kids can talk about tricky things are crucial. As a parent, it can be uncomfortable to hear kids talking negatively about their bodies but he knows you are there to listen. The next part can be hard. Get a little curious before trying to shut it down. Show up curious and ask more about what it would mean to have a six-pack. Is it about looking a certain way or being strong to accomplish something else? As parents, we like to fix things and jump to solutions and reassurance. Take a deep breath and take some time to find out more. And if he voices that he is unhappy with the way he looks, let him know that you hear that and validate his experience before reassurance. It’s okay to stumble through this, the best outcome is that he knows you are there for him.
Here are two wise people on this complicated topic where you can get more ideas about where to go next. Here is an article, The Burnt Toast Guide to Kids & Anti-Fat Bias from Virginia Sole-Smith:
She is the author of the wonderful book, Fat Talk: Parenting in the Age of Diet Culture, which I also highly recommend. Another wonderful resource on all things body-related is the work of Zoe Bisbing, LCSW who runs a website Body-Positive Home. You can find out more about her offerings at bodypositivehome.com.
And some of this is more than just six-packs and push-ups, being a boy, these days is complicated. So here are some other writers writing about tweens, teens, and boyhood. Christopher Pepper writes Teen Health Today:
And Jennifer L.W. Fink writes the newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin and co-hosts the ON BOYS podcast.
Allow me a moment to get all therapist-like for a moment. If you notice anything going on like changing eating habits, negative comments, or new exercise habits that are concerning, it may be time to get some extra help in sorting it all out. You can start with the pediatrician. One caveat, talking about body stuff is complicated and the healthcare system is still learning. To confirm you are on the same page with messaging, speak to the medical provider privately at first. It would be unfortunate for a desire to lose weight to be praised as a kid being “healthy” when you have concerns. I’ll never forget when my husband brought up to the doctor that I was concerned about my weight gain during pregnancy. He had expected the doctor to reassure me, but instead, he told me to stay away from the pasta. My husband was appropriately mortified.
Not to get all scary here but boys are considerably underdiagnosed for eating disorders. It’s not because they don’t have them but because adults are not expecting them in males. To be clear, I am not saying that is what is happening here but it is helpful to know that if you become concerned, there are people who can help you. You can check out this wonderful article on finding a therapist from Jacqueline Nesi, PhD.
Caught off Guard in Michigan, you are doing great. He’s talking to you and you are tuning in and that is a great start.
Just a little reminder: The information present here is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal and professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.
Okay, I tried.
Hi, it’s me. The one who said she was going to be quiet and leave it to the expert. I don’t have anything to add advice-wise. Kathryn is spot-on as usual. (Isn’t she great?) But I’m here to say my son is off to middle-school in the fall and I’m nothing short of terrified. Who’s going to answer all my questions??? If a middle-aged lady mom asks a middle-age lady mom for advice and no one answers because she is too paralyzed with fear to speak, does she make a sound? (If she’s wearing shorts while sitting on a plastic deck chair then yes, she definitely makes a sound.)
I am so grateful to Kathryn taking the time to provide her wit, wisdom, and insight this week. Don’t forget to subscribe to her newsletter if you haven’t already!
XO,
Shelly
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I’m so glad the boys and body image was brought up. My son is also on the smaller side and there is very little information on body image for boys and men. We need good nutritional and health education (and this can be easily done without offending various cultures) in addition to size acceptance.
Great subject, and one we don't hear enough about.
"As much as I love inserting myself into conversations I should have no part of and proselytizing about topics I’m not qualified to speak on, this question had me stuck like the back of a middle-aged lady’s bare thighs to a plastic deck chair." HALL OF FAME SENTENCE!