Women prefer the comforts of their own latrines, but sometimes our bowels get a case of wanderlust and crave a change of scenery. Should you poo in your company’s loo?
Thank you for writing about something we all doo but seldom want to talk about, unless YOU'RE MY HUSBAND, aka "Uncle Farty Pants" after his first introduction to my sister's family which included 2 nieces and 5 grand kids. My neicedowned an emaculant mansion that had a home movie theater with leather recliners. So we're all watching the romantic end of a movie where the only sound was romantic music and a slurpy kiss. And at that Prime moment, he decided to let out a bellowing FART that reverberated throughout the mini theater and left a lovely first impression with everyone present. You should've seen our pastor squirm when we discussed this (and another very public wind-passing event) in our premarital counseling meetings. And the funny thing is, and I'm NOT kidding, that I actually prayed and asked God to send me a husband who is comfortable enough about himself to fart in front of me. After spending 5 years with a man who NEVER ONCE farted in front of me, I felt he was being fake and hiding his true self from me (because, like pooping, everyone farts). And I was right. He was a two timer who cheated on me. So God, in His mercy and wisdom, blessed me with a super fatter, and God is still up there smiling at His answer to my prayer! I hope that you write an investigative post of farting, the prelude to a poop.
This is an AMAZING story and I think you definitely found a wonderful man! I love equating being real and true to being able to fart in front of someone. It really is the truest measure of comfort and unconditional love! hahahah!
Yes, I did, Amanda, and thank you for recognizing the service I provide to my readers! I'm like a humor archeologist, going to dangerous places to unearth the funny!
So fucking funny. You’ve authored the #1 resource on #2. Such a thorough, and thoroughly revolting, cataloguing of the fecal arts. Please consider posting this on LinkedIn as a public service. And you just reminded me of an incident from about 20 years ago. I was in a stall next to a guy who was drinking a mug of coffee and eating an apple while takin’ care of business. I know this not just from the crunching and slurping, but because he placed these items on the FLOOR (where I could see them) while tending to the other matter at hand. I still have nightmares.
EWWWWWWWWW!!! Ugh! I need another category for THAT GUY but I think you have to have more than one person to qualify as a category and I hate thinking there are more “eat an apple off the floor of a public restroom while taking care of business” guys. Also my brother sent me this today. Incidentally he was reading my post while “doing business” and looked up to see this sign. The universe, man…
I’m guessing an apple isn’t even the worst thing someone has eaten off the floor of a public restroom. A category might be necessary. The pic from your brother didn’t upload or sumpthin’…
Oh Shelly. Shelly, Shelly, Shelly. I am the ultimate work pooper (no shame here) and there a few things you need to do:
1. Embrace pooping on the company dime. First and foremost. Like you said, we all poop. The power is in the WHERE. It’s 5 mins (or 10 depending on what you ate) of quiet, peaceful time where you can read a book.
2. You are not one of these types of poopers. You are ALL of them. Depends on the day, the food, the mood. Embrace all facets of your poopy self. And if you’re having trouble unloading these various types, scope out a bathroom. I’ve done so much research on different bathrooms in my workplace that I know exactly which one will afford me the most peace.
Oh Sri, why didn't I know this about you before I wrote this. I would have had you co-author it! Such insightful commentary and I love your unabashed admission! Getting paid to poop is brilliant. I think parents would also agree that 10 minutes of alone time with a book is quite dreamy-- in an office, Ikea, at home, wherever. #2 (hee hee hee!) is also very true. we are all the poopers. It's what unites us all.
Thank you for writing about something we all doo but seldom want to talk about, unless YOU'RE MY HUSBAND, aka "Uncle Farty Pants" after his first introduction to my sister's family which included 2 nieces and 5 grand kids. My neicedowned an emaculant mansion that had a home movie theater with leather recliners. So we're all watching the romantic end of a movie where the only sound was romantic music and a slurpy kiss. And at that Prime moment, he decided to let out a bellowing FART that reverberated throughout the mini theater and left a lovely first impression with everyone present. You should've seen our pastor squirm when we discussed this (and another very public wind-passing event) in our premarital counseling meetings. And the funny thing is, and I'm NOT kidding, that I actually prayed and asked God to send me a husband who is comfortable enough about himself to fart in front of me. After spending 5 years with a man who NEVER ONCE farted in front of me, I felt he was being fake and hiding his true self from me (because, like pooping, everyone farts). And I was right. He was a two timer who cheated on me. So God, in His mercy and wisdom, blessed me with a super fatter, and God is still up there smiling at His answer to my prayer! I hope that you write an investigative post of farting, the prelude to a poop.
This is an AMAZING story and I think you definitely found a wonderful man! I love equating being real and true to being able to fart in front of someone. It really is the truest measure of comfort and unconditional love! hahahah!
You went there and you found the funny. Nice work!
Yes, I did, Amanda, and thank you for recognizing the service I provide to my readers! I'm like a humor archeologist, going to dangerous places to unearth the funny!
This is so relatable, true and hilarious. This deserves lots of read and likes. If I was a big fancy Substack person, I would restack it. 😂
And if I was brave enough to restack something about poop. 😶🌫️
So fucking funny. You’ve authored the #1 resource on #2. Such a thorough, and thoroughly revolting, cataloguing of the fecal arts. Please consider posting this on LinkedIn as a public service. And you just reminded me of an incident from about 20 years ago. I was in a stall next to a guy who was drinking a mug of coffee and eating an apple while takin’ care of business. I know this not just from the crunching and slurping, but because he placed these items on the FLOOR (where I could see them) while tending to the other matter at hand. I still have nightmares.
EWWWWWWWWW!!! Ugh! I need another category for THAT GUY but I think you have to have more than one person to qualify as a category and I hate thinking there are more “eat an apple off the floor of a public restroom while taking care of business” guys. Also my brother sent me this today. Incidentally he was reading my post while “doing business” and looked up to see this sign. The universe, man…
I’m guessing an apple isn’t even the worst thing someone has eaten off the floor of a public restroom. A category might be necessary. The pic from your brother didn’t upload or sumpthin’…
RUDE! (The photo not uploading, not the bathroom floor eaters. Although them too.)
Oh Shelly. Shelly, Shelly, Shelly. I am the ultimate work pooper (no shame here) and there a few things you need to do:
1. Embrace pooping on the company dime. First and foremost. Like you said, we all poop. The power is in the WHERE. It’s 5 mins (or 10 depending on what you ate) of quiet, peaceful time where you can read a book.
2. You are not one of these types of poopers. You are ALL of them. Depends on the day, the food, the mood. Embrace all facets of your poopy self. And if you’re having trouble unloading these various types, scope out a bathroom. I’ve done so much research on different bathrooms in my workplace that I know exactly which one will afford me the most peace.
Oh Sri, why didn't I know this about you before I wrote this. I would have had you co-author it! Such insightful commentary and I love your unabashed admission! Getting paid to poop is brilliant. I think parents would also agree that 10 minutes of alone time with a book is quite dreamy-- in an office, Ikea, at home, wherever. #2 (hee hee hee!) is also very true. we are all the poopers. It's what unites us all.
It’s better you didn’t… you would’ve had to pull the keyboard away from me because I have way too many thoughts and opinions on a shunned topic 🤣
Well maybe you could do a Poop-themed kids books list for us poop-friendly families???