Everything I Know About Babies Came from Soap Operas
How will YOU protect your baby when their long-lost, stolen from the womb, twin returns to town with a vengeance?
By the time I was ten I witnessed an upstanding business woman fall prey to the devil, a reviled billionaire die on three different occasions, and a landlocked town leveled by a tsunami. All without ever leaving my couch. I may have grown up in Binghamton, NY but I really grew up in Pine Valley, PA— a small town with big problems.
One might think spending the bulk of your formative years glued to the comings, goings, and reincarnations of beautiful, flawed Soap Opera people could cause irreparable damage. I disagree. Soap operas taught me invaluable life lessons. For instance, I have a brother. But could I also have a sister? Possibly a twin who’s not a real twin, but a vengeful frenemy with deep pockets who got plastic surgery to look exactly like me so she could kidnap me, store me in a well, marry my husband, and take over my life? How many of you are prepared for this!?
Although I was barely a pubescent tween when I witnessed super couple Angie and Jesse Hubbard become parents to son Frankie, that memory— along with all of the courtships, pregnancies, labors, and deliveries I witnessed— imprinted on me. This visual feast of propagation prepared me for my own journey into courtship, pregnancy, labor and delivery. As long as I could avoid blizzards, caves, or mysterious islands were my once thought-dead mortal enemies were harbored, it would be so easy!
If your sheltered childhood forced you to play outside or read a book, don’t worry. I’m happy to share the wisdom I have imparted from some of the greatest stories ever told.
You’re pregnant! Maybe.
Women are often surprised to find themselves impregnated. Was it a hole in the diaphragm? Too much Jungle Juice? Was it Satan himself? Sometimes all of the above.
The hardest part about your journey to motherhood is determining if you’re actually pregnant. Sure, the pregnancy test showed a + sign. Your doctor confirmed the results. You’ve stopped drinking and started glowing. But how can you be really sure?
The bad news is you can’t. Sometimes doctors lie because they’re secretly in love with you or exacting revenge from something you did in a past life. Your ex-lover might have paid a former convict to break into your bathroom with a vial full of hCG-laden urine purchased at a New Orleans swap meet. It’s also highly possible your tender breasts, frequent vomiting, and rapid weight gain are the result of a hysterical pregnancy, which are very common.
On the negative side, you may actually get a negative sign and think you can just carry on with your wine drinking and unpasteurized cheese eating ways. But surprise! When you least expect it, you’ll be plagued with some mild abdominal discomfort and pouf! A baby falls out of your body. How did that get there? Who is that umbilical cord even attached to??? It’s you! You’re a mom now! First order of business is figure out who the dad is. Can’t rule out any subjects and that includes men you never slept with.
You don’t have to have sex to get knocked up
Good news for all the busy, single ladies! Sex is optional when it comes to procreation. There are plenty of ways to put a bun in your oven including injecting yourself with a fertilized egg. Literally happens all the time. Google it!
Your baby bump will be adorable!
No need to stock up on pants with giant waistbands and flowy tops. Everyone knows a full-term baby bump sits directly on your belly and is roughly the size of a volleyball (soccer ball if you’re having a girl.) Get yourself a cute wrap dress to accentuate your prized bump perfectly. But not too many! You’ll only be wearing maternity clothes for the last six weeks of pregnancy when you finally start showing.
Your pregnancy will fly by
Your gestation period will go by so quickly it’s like you were never even pregnant! We’re talking weeks. You’ll barely have time to swell an ankle before you’ve got a perfectly swaddled newborn in your arms.
Your labor will be induced, but not by a medical professional
Due dates are arbitrary. Babies arrive whenever they feel like it so make sure the nursery is painted and your hospital bag is packed. Also don’t expect to ease into labor. Active labor triggers immediately and without warning. Unless of course you count an airplane/boat/car/ motorcycle crash, being caught off-guard by a tornado/tsunami/earthquake/ volcanic eruption, or finding out your twin sister is alive as a warning. Also, you have a twin sister.
Don’t worry, you won’t be alone. Nine out of ten times your nemesis will be nearby to help you deliver the baby.
You will not deliver in a hospital
Forget the birthing suite tour because whirlpool tubs and plush robes are not in your future. Plan on pushing your little princess out onto a pile of pine needles or crammed inside the fuselage of your private jet that just went down at the hands of a pilot who was really your vindictive long-lost father. Stuck elevators, abandoned hunting lodges, and rocky beaches are also good birthing venues.
Newborns are huge
Be prepared to birth a child roughly the size of an eight-month-old. Hope you like stitches!
Don’t worry about making a mess
You probably heard horror stories about how laboring women crap themselves in front of their husbands and a team of doctors or how goopy newborn babies are. Ew! Not true. Your lady parts are magical and will wash that giant newborn clean as it exits your body. You will barely break a sweat, your make-up will not slide down your face, and your most private body parts will always be covered. Labor and modesty go hand-in-hand.
Baby weight, schmaby weight
That little soccer ball you were toting around in your cute wrap dress? Must have left it in a pile of pine needles. You will leave your birth spot looking fresher and fitter than ever. Perhaps not needing to burn all those extra calories is why no one ever breastfeeds on soaps. Then again, these giant babies can basically cut their own steaks and feed themselves.
Your baby will probably get snatched
Not “snatched” as in flawless or amazingly attractive. That’s a goddamn given. Babies on soaps are like Amazon packages; they constantly go missing. Usually your baby will be stolen and given to a grieving woman to raise, which, come on, is kind of sweet.
In order to reduce the risk of having your baby stolen shortly after its birth, here are some tips: don’t sign anything, don’t let anyone you recently betrayed hold your baby, and don’t take any drugs from a nurse who very aggressively insists you go night night now.
Babies grow up so fast
Cherish every moment because it really does go quickly. One day you have a gigantic newborn and the next a high schooler. It’s almost like someone entirely new was cast to play them.
Fetuses are never gone, but sometimes forgotten
Take a close look at that friendly waitress or vampy, cutthroat assistant you just hired. See any similarities? Surprise! A child you aborted or gave up for adoption has a 100% chance of finding you. And they will NOT be happy!
Doctors can easily remove an unwanted (or undetected) fetus from one womb and implant it into another. They do this when their own wives desperately want a baby, but struggle to conceive so really who can blame them? Happy wife, happy life, right? Although the biological mother will be none the wiser, the re-homed fetus will figure it out eventually (usually in their teens) and spend the rest of their lives exacting revenge.
Double check your baby daddy
Just as it’s difficult to determine if you are pregnant, it’s almost impossible to be sure your intended is the baby daddy. It’s entirely possible your nemesis slipped you a drug, knocked you out, staged the scene of a one-night stand, broke into a sperm bank, stole an anonymous dude’s sperm, stuck it into a turkey baster, inserted it into your lady parts, and knocked you up. Or maybe you sat on a dirty toilet seat.
All anonymous sperm donors will show up in your town eventually and form an inexplicable, yet not at all creepy bond with your child. This person will become your fourth husband.
Babysitters are everywhere
I mean, they have to be. Once a soap child is born, they’re seldom seen with their parents.
Doctors are shady AF
They seldom work and are easily bribed. Never trust your doctor.
Sometimes the Devil takes the wheel
Maybe it’s the lack of sleep or too many lactation cookies, but the devil can sniff out vulnerability like a truffle hog to the fruity bodies of a fungi and just slide right on in there. Just what every new mom needs. It’s actually quite lovely to have someone insist on taking control. Kind of like a postpartum doula who handles the night feedings and diaper changes but also may tempt you into deceit, thievery, and betrayal. Most new moms will take that risk.
I do hope you found this helpful and feel more prepared and confident in your own motherhood journey. Just wait until I tell you what I learned about raising kids from reality TV.
XO,
Shelly
“Don’t worry, you won’t be alone. Nine out of ten times your nemesis will be nearby to help you deliver the baby.” My stomach hurts from laughing. Or maybe I’m in labor?
Every day after school I’d come home and my mom would be watching Guiding Light. I never learned anything from it because I was too busy doing homework. It seems I missed out on the real life lessons