How to Find MILFs

That's Moms I'd Like to Friend, Sorry.

Back to school is a very stressful time and not just because of the mandatory school supply list. Really, School? It has to be Kleenex tissues? You won’t accept a little Puffs action in the classroom? And why can’t the school district afford to put a box of tissues in every class? Isn’t this why we legalized weed?

Speaking of kids, you might be wondering who yours will meet this year. Sure, this is an important, formative time for children, but unlike legalized weed tax money, it’s not about them.

It’s about the mothers. Finally!

Next time you’re at school, check out all those moms dressed to the nines in their saggy joggers and dog-walking slip-ons, baseball hat pulled down low enough to create a shadow that masks the dark circles under their eyes. They’re scanning the blacktop, checking you out too, trying to make friend matches for their children like they’re in the midst of a tense game of concentration.

“Oh look, Calloweigh! There’s another SpongeBob backpack! Go make friends!”

And off Calloweigh goes. BFFs for life. It’s so easy for them!

But what about Calloweigh’s mom? Even though she gave her kid a totally douchey name with an even douchier spelling, it doesn’t mean she shouldn’t have at least one friend to evade the Spirit Committee lead with. A mother’s social emotional development is largely dependent on humans who can’t tie their shoes or count to a 100 yet. Who they choose as their best friends in the early years can saddle you with a family you love to vacation with every mid-winter break or the reason you always seem to be on the phone with your great aunt Sally whenever Calloweigh’s mom’s Highlander rolls up in front of your house.

Grade school is a BIG DEAL, Moms. Once kids hit middle school its harder to make Mom Friends. Kids are more independent, there are multiple classrooms, your child will realize that you’re the weird mom and will do everything in their power to keep you away from their friends and their friend’s parents. Who do you want to chaperone school trips with? Those foundations are built by the time you leave 5th grade.

This would totally be my backpack if I were heading back to school today. Want to be friends?

There are lots of different types of Mom Friends and now that I’m the parent of a fifth grader, I have years of experience spotting the good (and the less good) ones that populate the playground.

Here’s what I look for in a Mom I’d Like to Friend (or my definition of a MILF.):

Are you a mom who:

• doesn’t hide her Trader Joe’s shopping cart full of Cookie Butter and breaded cheese curds when encountering another mom in the wild?

• forgive- even commend— an F bomb out of the mouth of babes if it was well-timed and properly used in context?

• enjoy Happy Hour not because of the discounted drinks, but because you know you’ll be home and back into your house sweats by 7:30 PM?

You’re my kind of MILF, lady! Want to come over after school, pop the spigot on my backpack wine, and try some double-unders with my kid’s new jumprope?

What? We were totally buying tissues and glue sticks right before this.

Put down that list of mandatory school supplies and prep for something truly useful this school year. Little Emileighhh will survive kindergarten if she has a red pocket folder instead of a blue one, but will you survive without a MILF by your side?

The Good MILFs:

The Concierge Mom - Need a rec for a tutor? The school nurse’s direct line? Hot tips on avoiding the classroom art project? This is your go-to mom. She has multiple kids each at different schools so not only does she know which kindergarten teacher serves the parents wine at the end of year recital, she’s got the 4-1-1 on the sports program at the middle school and how many kids contracted COVID after a high school dance. She also knows that little Emileighhh isn’t a rules-bucking, nonconformist because she showed up on the first day of school with a dumb red folder. Her mom is just a hot buttered mess and that’s the kind of intel you need to survive school these days.

The Call On Anytime Mom - Put this mom down as an emergency contact. She probably works from home and lives close enough to school where dropping off a lunch or picking up a stranded kid when you’re running late is no big deal. In fact, you’re actually helping by turning her living room into an enrichment center because now her kid will leave her alone so she can get some work done. She’s got your kid’s favorite snacks for “just in case.” Do you know for sure what goes on in that house without you? No. Is your kid unscathed and relatively happy when you retrieve them? Then hush, don’t worry about it.

The Social Mom- She’s friends with everyone from the reading specialists to the incoming kindergarten parents to the cliquey PTA moms. And yet, we like her anyway. Why? Get your kid invited to party at her house and see for yourself. Theodosia’s 8th birthday is gonna to be lit. All the other parents will be there. Maybe even Patty and Annie from the school office. Belly up to the kegerator in the garage and pour yourself a delicious hazy IPA her husband just brewed and enjoy some grown up finger foods catered from the neighborhood bistro that books reservations seven months out because of course SHE KNOWS THE CHEF.

The Just About Had it Mom: Hot Tip: If you’re afraid of flying, look around the plane and find someone even more terrified and direct all your attention to them. The same is true for moms. When you’re about lose it, look for the Just About Had It Mom. She’s easy to spot holding up the drop off line, coffee spilling down her wrist, running into the office in her smooshed-heeled Uggs, with a giant art project teetering on her forearms. Her kids are over scheduled, at least one is failing a subject, her husband travels a lot, she hasn’t showered in three days, and someone always forgets their violin. Despite her frantic energy, the Just About Had It Mom actually relishes her perceived ineptitude and will graciously let you bask in it when you need a reality check about your own parenting. She’ll totally yell at her kids in front of you. She’ll yell at your kid in front of you. Yes, of course she will be the room parent for all three of her kid’s classrooms!

The Up for Anything Mom: Wonder why some moms wear sunglasses at drop off even though the sun has barely peaked over the horizon? They were last seen with the Up for Anything Mom. This mom is up for anything anytime anywhere. Yes, she will meet you for happy hour! Yes to a backyard hang! Yes, she will help you staff the egg-and-spoon station at Field Day. Say the word! Say it! SAY IT NOW! There’s always notes of Jack in the Box and mezcal tequila, emanating from her clothing, but that only serves to further immerses you into her tales about what her and the 2nd grade cohort coordinator got up when they were supposed to be making flyers for the ice cream social. Prepare for a lot of U up? Playdate? texts.

The Did You Hear Mom? - What better way to kill seven minutes waiting for the dismissal bell than to hear some juicy playground gossip? Did you hear there might not be an auction this year because the committee hates each other? Did you hear the music teacher threw a chair at the whiteboard? Did you notice Beaumont's daddy is suddenly doing all of the pick ups and drop offs? Ooooooh, what is going on there??? As fun as she may be to talk to, remember who you’re talking to. The only loyalty this mom has is to a scandalous story and whoever wants to hear it. Whatever you say can and most definitely will be used against you at the ice cream social.

The No Judgement Mom- Do I sometimes put carrots in my son’s lunch just for show even though I know he’s only going to eat Saltines and Laffy Taffy? Yes. Do I believe my kid when he says me he did his homework in class? Of course. Did I lie to him and say his basketball game was canceled because I was too tired to drive 25 minutes to his “away game?”

I will never tell. NEVER!

But you know who laughed about it and told me not to worry because I’m doing a great¹ job? The No Judgement Moms because they are kind, supportive, and self-aware enough to know they’ve got their own worthy-of-judgement shit going and aren’t about to mess with their karma. No Judgement Moms are unicorn Moms and far and few between. When you find one, snatch her up and keep her cradled in a nest of mulberry silk and baby cashmere. If you can’t find a No Judgement Mom, be one.

The Not-So-Great MILFs:

Not all moms are keepers. Mom-Friending is a catch and release sport.

The Comments On Everything Mom- How does this Mom Friend get any mommin’ done when she’s in every neighborhood mom group on social media? When she’s not selling her toddler’s outgrown high chair and old boppy covers, she’s buying and hoarding size 3 Tsukihoshi sneakers for the future. She’s diagnosing rashes, warning about package thieves, and trying to find a renter for her best friend’s uncle’s girlfriend’s mother-in-law apartment. There isn’t a post that goes by without her offering her two cents. Is she a renaissance woman equally versed in ADU permits as she is in Fall activities for a three-year-old? Nope. Back away from this buttinsky.

The Litigious Mom- There once was a little boy who was accused of bullying a little girl at another kid’s birthday party. The party took place outside of school yet this mom felt the need to drag the teacher, the principal, the counselor, several parents, and the child’s therapist into it. The best part? The little boy wasn’t even at the party! Litigious Mom has an axe to grind and the armchair law degree to sharpen it. This mom is bad news. But shh, don’t say that out loud or you’ll be looking at a defamation suit.

The Overcompensating Mom - So while the rest of us were sweating over blue and red folders, this mom made her own. For the whole class. This is what happens when Social Moms go down a bad path— usually the path that leads straight to the aisle that sells googly eyes and glue guns. She always has an idea for an art project, cuts little pieces of kiwi into jelly fish shapes, and gives out homemade hand sanitizer as a party favor. Sorry, but no one is leaving that party excited about some low budget hand sani. Forgot to buy classroom tissues. (Yes, I did actually.) DON’T WORRY. She’s rolling in on Day 1 with sixteen extra boxes! It was no big deal! (It was.) They were on sale! (They weren’t.) Simmer down, Brenda. You want to impress us? Be the auction chairperson.

This mom’s got the BEAD on CRAFTS. GET IT???

The PTA Mom- In theory this seems like a fine mom. The PTA does some pretty useful stuff (so I’m told.) But some PTA moms use their PTA status as a way to relive or live out their own school fantasies. Maybe they were hot shit in 7th grade and now they can’t even get a Trader’s Joe’s cashier to talk to them. Maybe they never went to a school dance or lost every debate or actually attended Study Halls instead of skipping them to smoke cigarettes and split a cup of coffee at the Ramada Inn with their three burnout friends. Losers! For some moms the PTA is their chance to hold an elected office and yield the perceived power and glory that comes with it. You think you can just roll your lazy ass into the Fall Festival without paying homage to the governing body that stacked those card tables with brown and orange construction paper, glitter, and left-handed scissors so Litigious Mom’s southpaw daughter can make a mummy too? Wait until the Did You Hear Moms hear about this.

---

I lied about going bi-weekly. I missed you guys too much! So you will hear from me weekly (sorry, brother), but I’ll be splitting up the main post and “My Issues.” It will keep the posts shorter (okay, brother?) and still let us hang out and chat every week.

You all are the best. Thanks for reading!

XO,

Shelly

1. We grade on a curve at Mom School