How to Write Hallmark Holiday Movies
It's time to make your own holiday movie magic!
Do you see what I see? Giant mittens, fake snow, Fairisle sweaters, and halls decked to the nines, tens, and elevens!
It can only mean one thing!
The best thing!
So many exclamation points thing!
It’s Hallmark holiday movie season!
And there is no greater season!
I love these movies. They give me life. I can feel my resting heart rate drop to 40 beats per minute as soon as that first bit of low-budget, cheesy clip art hits the title screen. Are we saving a town today? A Christmas tree farm? Rekindling the holiday spirit in the heart of a busy executive by way of her precocious nephew? We are definitely falling in love!
It is the only time of year I watch anything other than Bravo and I think we all know that is a very big deal.
Now you may not think I’m an expert on anything outside of the Bravo-verse (and honestly I’m okay with that), but surprise! I’m also a master scholar of Hallmark holiday cinematography.
But Shelly, how can one be an expert on a subgenre of movies with only two possible plots?
Bitch, sit down! Oh ohhh, sorry, sorry, I thought we were still talking Bravo. What I meant to say was, great question, ye olde cynic. Although we may know how these movie marvels will end, there are many paths to finding your one true love while artificial snow bubbles get stuck in your hair extensions. If you ever fancied yourself a screenwriter and want to cut your teeth on steaming mugs of hot cocoa covered in prop marshmallows and Lacey Chabert vehicles, then it’s time to craft your own Hallmark holiday movie.
But how, Shelly!
What’s that? I couldn’t hear over the drippy droppy pitter patter sound of your cold, icy heart melting. Just follow my carefully crafted, curated, and patented1 Hallmark holiday plot generator! Simply choose one bullet from each heading, write a few lines of wholesome dialogue (imagine a conversation between baby capybaras, a wad of cotton candy, and a weighted blanket), give your hair some nice barrel curls, throw a red scarf around your green peacoat, and ooh, ooh the mistletoe you’ll be top ho ho ho this holiday season!
You are:
A single, lonely, but optimistic woman
A bitter, hardnosed, overworked professional desperate for a promotion
An naive, sweet do-gooder who knows deep inside she’s engaged to the wrong man, but doesn’t want to hurt his feelings by dumping him
An agent of Mr./Mrs. Claus
Apathetic or downright hostile towards the holidays due to a circumstance you only feel comfortable talking about to strangers when the moon is full and snow is falling. Or in elevators.
A young widower with chiseled good looks, doing the best he can to raise the three kids he rescued from a J. Crew catalog
Royalty
Who is:
Wishing you didn’t have to spend the holidays alone
Sick of the holidays and everyone around you
Trying to take over a town/favorite landmark/small business
Trying to save a hometown/favorite landmark/small business
Trying to maintain a brave face in front of the kids even though you find the holidays insufferable
Trying to help a single, lonely, but affable woman/a hardnosed, overworked woman/naïve, sweet do-gooder engaged to the wrong guy/a widow or widower/undercover royalty/small town find the true meaning of Christmas
Misdirecting your grief over losing one or both of your parents/guardians when you were a child and acting out against everyone and everything. Even though it happens at this time every year, your misery always takes you by surprise
Yearning for a different life
So you:
Throw yourself into your work hoping the long nights at the office will give you the same comfort a pair of loving arms would provide. Or so you imagine.
Dedicate yourself to helping others less fortunate
Escape to your rustic-inspired-luxury-appointed, snow-covered cabin in the middle of nowhere to eat minestrone soup in front of a fire while the glow of your Excel spreadsheets keep you company
Run over everyone who gets in the way of achieving your life goal, or at least this month’s sales quota
Fight the urge to dump your betrothed in favor of the cute, single man you met while he was browsing the cute but niche shop you own looking for a gift for his cute niece whom he simply adores.
Bake
Befriend a determined, hopeful, freckled child of a single mom who adores Christmas almost as much as you do
Pick a major American city, pack your Louis Vuitton suitcase and man servant, and go undercover
When suddenly you:
Literally stumble into a handsome, single, man wearing a cashmere, ¾ length topcoat with a full head of hair snowflakes take a remarkably long time to melt on
Find yourself having inappropriate feelings for the man who is trying to take over your town/favorite landmark/small business
Come across a holiday stigmata that propels a tiny bubble of hope to rise to the surface of your cold, dank corn husk of a heart, despite your best efforts to thwart it
Feel yourself falling for your impeccably-coiffed child’s teacher, but suppress your feelings realizing how selfish you’re being
Are forced to identify your true self by pulling off several miracles so the dubious townspeople will listen to your wisdom
Win a huge payout from national a cookie baking competition your best friend secretly entered you in
Fall for a waitress
Which results in:
Falling unexpectedly in love
Falling unexpectedly in love and saving your town/favorite landmark/small business
Falling unexpectedly in love and recapturing the Christmas spirit that vanished after your parents/guardian were tragically taken away when you were a child
Falling unexpectedly in love and throwing a huge holiday party to apologize for the whole town you insulted/tried to buy before realizing the error of your ways in hopes they forget all about it when you become their neighbor
Falling unexpectedly in love with a person who sincerely loved you even before they realized you were a prince/princess
Falling unexpectedly in love and using your massive windfall to give orphaned children the Christmas of their dreams
Helping a single, lonely, but affable woman/a hardnosed, overworked woman/naïve, sweet do-gooder engaged to the wrong guy/a widow or widower/undercover royalty fall unexpectedly in love
And scene!
Nothing makes me feel as warm and tingly as the promise of a fresh crop of soon-to-be classic Hallmark movies. Except for maybe a hot toddy sipped in a remote hunting lodge in front of an wood-burning fireplace that melts puffs of snow as pillowy as homemade ravioli from the Land’s End flannel sheathed shoulders of a man who looks like a commoner but is really the heir to a shopping mall fortune, who rescued my Yorkie and I after we fell through the ice on the pond where I learned to skate. Oh, I’m also a professional, world-renowned, beloved champion figure skater, but I gave it all up to help my family’s fledging candy cane store. See that? Well, you would if you turned on the Hallmark Channel right now.
XO,
Shelly
So last week’s post…lot of feelings on that one, huh? Heard from a lot of wives.
Also to be clear, Bart and I are not getting divorced. Thanks for reading the whole post and not just the clickbaity title, friends. Jeez. But our house looks great so it was well worth it!
Love you all!
Just saying “patented” makes it so, right? That’s how the legal system works?