It was all fun and neon dog noses until we discovered the “Old Lens”— a filter designed to take your cherub face and age it. I looked exactly the same. Possibly better.
Can I just….i can’t even…I laughed so hard…your pacing…your pith…your wit….this was so fucking fun I can’t pick quotes, I just felt all the delight through the whole thing.
You know what? I don’t even care about my sun damage and chin zits because I’m going to print this out and tape it to my forehead because it’s the most beautiful thing I ever saw! THANK YOU, Chela!
You know, Shelly, it was a moment, like I wanted to feel envious of how funny you are. The opening had me taking notes and being all “I want to write this funny”, but then I just lost any ability to feel bad because I was so taken by joy and I think that’s what real craft inspiration is. Thanks for making great art, it’s the only mirror you need!
Oh yes, i know that "moment" very well thanks to Substack! Thank you for being more mature about it than I am. 😂 And you already are funny! You don't need notes!
I just saw this video of a puppy seeing itself in the mirror for the first time (I can't find the exact one now but if you google there are many) and he was very confused and excited. I hope that you're able to channel some of that energy with your newly found lash-confidence!
Also, "My face and I are in a long-distance relationship." is the line of the day for sure!
Shelly, this was hilarious! And unfortunately (or fortunately), I related to so much of it. I'm 49 and the same thing happened to me in the past year. I went through an early menopause due to a hysterectomy, and now I'm taking estrogen blockers because of my history of breast cancer, and so I feel like I've aged ten years in the space of 12 months. Aging is a hard pill to swallow. Thanks for making it something we can laugh at together!
Thankfully we CAN laugh! Or will that go away too???? I'm sorry to hear you have additional health issues impacting this already wild and unpredictable journey.
I think our sense of humour will be the last thing we cling onto! And thank you for your kind words. Fortunately, I’m pretty healthy now even if my face says otherwise!
Shelly, while it's funny, it's also incredibly true! I too avoid mirrors. I wash my hands intently, refusing to look up, scared I'll catch a glimpse. I put on makeup to go to the store so I don't get chased out by other patrons holding pitchforks and torches.
I was aging pretty well there for a minute. Then one day on the subway we went through a tunnel. I was facing the door and saw my reflection in the window. It was like one of those jump scare moments in a horror movie. All I could think was, "I didn't say your name 3 times! WTF!!"
"They say" people don't see us the way we see ourselves... I have to hope that is true.
@chrisstanton shared your post -- and now I'm subscribed. I feel so seen -- in a good way :)
Another reason to love Chris Stanton! I'm so glad to have found you Renee! Your comments are pretty much the greatest thing on Substack! 😂 Maybe that tunnel you went through was cursed? Perhaps you need to ride through it in the opposite direction for everything to change back? Or maybe this is the start to a middle-aged comedy-drama-mystery movie plot?
Awww that's such a nice comment coming from you! I love that I've found you too. Someone who not only gets the absolute horror that is the aging female body -- but more importantly is able to convey it in a way that makes me laugh-cry.
If I could go back through that subway tunnel and reverse it all I would - it's probably a lot easier just to paint my bathroom mirror black. I'm all in for working on a middle aged comedy drama mystery movie plot.
I forget about mirrors all the time and then end up startling myself. Have I been doing things like this all day?! Or I took a side pic to highlight an earring I was sporting and now I have ear wrinkles, I guess? Never would have known except for my damn cute earrings.
YES! It’s startling! Why are we wearing a stranger’s face??? I’m sure your cute earrings distract from any ear wrinkles. And now I feel like I have to take a picture of my ears.
The struggle is real—makeup tutorials make it look easy, but I’m out here fighting for my life with an eyelid primer. If you’ve ever felt the same, you’ll love this one.
I finally put together a list of my favorite beauty influencers—aka the people who keep me trying to find my cheekbones.
I LAUGHED OUT LOUD at this “Oookay, then,” he said, then asked the bartender if it was possible to dim the lights a little more." 😂
But I also could have written this - I STILL can't look in the mirror - I have 2 teens living at home who very quickly let me know if I can go outside or not!
HA! And you know they are going to be HONEST! I think I have just approached that stage with my tween son. He GASPED when I walked out wearing what I thought was a perfectly acceptable sweatshirt. Nope. Of course I changed and of course that sweatshirt is on its way to Goodwill. Kids are mean! 🤣
Shelly...loved this and I can also relate. I'm 45 and slowly starting to resemble a creepy ventraquilist doll. Midlife is gifting me a downturning mouth. Soon it'll have to be tucked into my waistband along with my breasts.
This was absolutely hilarious. I LOVE your writing - thank you to the Substack algo gods for leading me here today. Subscribed, and looking forward to reading more.
I have also succumbed to the lure of falsies - but decided a long time ago I did not have the patience to sit in a chair for 2hrs every 3+ weeks - although I very much appreciated the mid-day nap.
However, a friend introduced me to the wonder and magic that is magnetic lashes and my life is now transformed. (There’s also apparently a thing called adhesive lashes but I’m a grumpy miserable thing who is mostly resistant to change so I expect I will try them in 6 months time.)
Anyways - magnetics = life changer. 30 seconds to put them on per eye and I’m done. And the best part is that I can remove them at the end of the day before bedtime. I now refuse to leave my house and do not recognise my face without them on. Vive la vanité!
(I am also sharing this in case, like me, anyone reading this does not have the patience to upkeep falsies. Magnetics - try them.)
first of all, THANK YOU for subscribing and your kind words! Second, thank you for the rec! Can people with no coordination use magnetics too? I'm so scared I would put them on sideways or something.
Yes, definitely! I’m pretty malco myself, and it was a bit fiddly at the beginning, so you just need to practice a few times, but once you get the hang of it, it’s super easy. Feel free to DM me if you decide to try it and you want more application tips 😊
Wholly fake eyelashes ! You are whip funny . Timing is everything and you’ve nailed it. Snoring on the table. I’m going to follow you . I’m 74 this month. I look in the mirror every morning and thank my mother for good skin and perky breasts. 🤣
Gird yourselves - it doesn’t get any easier. You’ll look back at your 50 year old face & wonder at why didn’t I appreciate how great I looked then ? Kind of like looking back at those pictures of your 30 year old body in a 2 piece. Why was I so critical cause damn I looked good!
I have severely reduced eye-sight, had several operations on them and can‘t use mascara any longer as it would find itself somewhere maybe not even on my face! But I never leave the home without a flaming red lipstick. Which, of course, poses other problems….. I usually spend quite some time to apply it, remove it as far as possible of unsuitable bits of my face, am thankful for one friend who tells me ‚there‘s a tiny bit lacking colour there‘ and I smile a lot, really a lot! With my wild white hair and the red lippie, I‘m a ‚reduced‘ but happy woman and I‘m happy for you to have found something you love. Let ‚them‘ eat dry cereals, YOU shine!
Kiki, YOU shine! Thank you! I always wanted to be a lipstick girl. I have hundreds of them just rolling around in my desk drawer. One year I went to Paris with my girlfriends and I wore a coral lipstick everyday and was never happier. Was it because I was in Paris with my girlfriends? Or was it the lipstick? We'll never know.
it was both, love! I lived in the Paris region for 12+ yrs and am always amazed by the craze of every visitor of this city. When you live there, it‘s not so shiny any more…. but my guess is: You were so happy because you were young, carefree, with a bunch of friends, and, after all, it was PARIS! right? I enjoy every day and am thankful to be able to get up, be relatively healthy, happy and yes, we try to shine! You and me both.
Can I just….i can’t even…I laughed so hard…your pacing…your pith…your wit….this was so fucking fun I can’t pick quotes, I just felt all the delight through the whole thing.
You know what? I don’t even care about my sun damage and chin zits because I’m going to print this out and tape it to my forehead because it’s the most beautiful thing I ever saw! THANK YOU, Chela!
You know, Shelly, it was a moment, like I wanted to feel envious of how funny you are. The opening had me taking notes and being all “I want to write this funny”, but then I just lost any ability to feel bad because I was so taken by joy and I think that’s what real craft inspiration is. Thanks for making great art, it’s the only mirror you need!
Oh yes, i know that "moment" very well thanks to Substack! Thank you for being more mature about it than I am. 😂 And you already are funny! You don't need notes!
I just saw this video of a puppy seeing itself in the mirror for the first time (I can't find the exact one now but if you google there are many) and he was very confused and excited. I hope that you're able to channel some of that energy with your newly found lash-confidence!
Also, "My face and I are in a long-distance relationship." is the line of the day for sure!
I definitely could use some confused puppy energy when I look in the mirror! You can totally use that line in your dating profile. 😂
Shelly, this was hilarious! And unfortunately (or fortunately), I related to so much of it. I'm 49 and the same thing happened to me in the past year. I went through an early menopause due to a hysterectomy, and now I'm taking estrogen blockers because of my history of breast cancer, and so I feel like I've aged ten years in the space of 12 months. Aging is a hard pill to swallow. Thanks for making it something we can laugh at together!
Thankfully we CAN laugh! Or will that go away too???? I'm sorry to hear you have additional health issues impacting this already wild and unpredictable journey.
I think our sense of humour will be the last thing we cling onto! And thank you for your kind words. Fortunately, I’m pretty healthy now even if my face says otherwise!
Shelly, while it's funny, it's also incredibly true! I too avoid mirrors. I wash my hands intently, refusing to look up, scared I'll catch a glimpse. I put on makeup to go to the store so I don't get chased out by other patrons holding pitchforks and torches.
I was aging pretty well there for a minute. Then one day on the subway we went through a tunnel. I was facing the door and saw my reflection in the window. It was like one of those jump scare moments in a horror movie. All I could think was, "I didn't say your name 3 times! WTF!!"
"They say" people don't see us the way we see ourselves... I have to hope that is true.
@chrisstanton shared your post -- and now I'm subscribed. I feel so seen -- in a good way :)
Another reason to love Chris Stanton! I'm so glad to have found you Renee! Your comments are pretty much the greatest thing on Substack! 😂 Maybe that tunnel you went through was cursed? Perhaps you need to ride through it in the opposite direction for everything to change back? Or maybe this is the start to a middle-aged comedy-drama-mystery movie plot?
Awww that's such a nice comment coming from you! I love that I've found you too. Someone who not only gets the absolute horror that is the aging female body -- but more importantly is able to convey it in a way that makes me laugh-cry.
If I could go back through that subway tunnel and reverse it all I would - it's probably a lot easier just to paint my bathroom mirror black. I'm all in for working on a middle aged comedy drama mystery movie plot.
One thing I want to know is, what is my Mother doing in my mirror? 😱
Oh yeah, that happens quite often. And her voice comes out of my mouth!
Haha, you too?!
I know that feeling
I forget about mirrors all the time and then end up startling myself. Have I been doing things like this all day?! Or I took a side pic to highlight an earring I was sporting and now I have ear wrinkles, I guess? Never would have known except for my damn cute earrings.
YES! It’s startling! Why are we wearing a stranger’s face??? I’m sure your cute earrings distract from any ear wrinkles. And now I feel like I have to take a picture of my ears.
The struggle is real—makeup tutorials make it look easy, but I’m out here fighting for my life with an eyelid primer. If you’ve ever felt the same, you’ll love this one.
I finally put together a list of my favorite beauty influencers—aka the people who keep me trying to find my cheekbones.
Check it out:
https://open.substack.com/pub/cdaley/p/my-favorite-beauty-influencers?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=yag1f
Oh I have definitely felt the same!
"I hope he likes reading by candlelight..." Hilarious!
I mean, it’s quite relaxing really!
I LAUGHED OUT LOUD at this “Oookay, then,” he said, then asked the bartender if it was possible to dim the lights a little more." 😂
But I also could have written this - I STILL can't look in the mirror - I have 2 teens living at home who very quickly let me know if I can go outside or not!
HA! And you know they are going to be HONEST! I think I have just approached that stage with my tween son. He GASPED when I walked out wearing what I thought was a perfectly acceptable sweatshirt. Nope. Of course I changed and of course that sweatshirt is on its way to Goodwill. Kids are mean! 🤣
I’m a high maintenance lash lady too! Best thing I do for my 65 year old face!!
Yessss!!!! Someone complimented my lashes yesterday and I yelled, THANK YOU THEY'RE FAKE!!!
Shelly...loved this and I can also relate. I'm 45 and slowly starting to resemble a creepy ventraquilist doll. Midlife is gifting me a downturning mouth. Soon it'll have to be tucked into my waistband along with my breasts.
Hahhahahahhahahha oh so much truth to this! I also see ventriloquism in my future face. The jowls are the most defined part of my face. Sigh...
On the positive, my jowls distract from my eye bags, so it's all balancing out.
This was absolutely hilarious. I LOVE your writing - thank you to the Substack algo gods for leading me here today. Subscribed, and looking forward to reading more.
I have also succumbed to the lure of falsies - but decided a long time ago I did not have the patience to sit in a chair for 2hrs every 3+ weeks - although I very much appreciated the mid-day nap.
However, a friend introduced me to the wonder and magic that is magnetic lashes and my life is now transformed. (There’s also apparently a thing called adhesive lashes but I’m a grumpy miserable thing who is mostly resistant to change so I expect I will try them in 6 months time.)
Anyways - magnetics = life changer. 30 seconds to put them on per eye and I’m done. And the best part is that I can remove them at the end of the day before bedtime. I now refuse to leave my house and do not recognise my face without them on. Vive la vanité!
(I am also sharing this in case, like me, anyone reading this does not have the patience to upkeep falsies. Magnetics - try them.)
first of all, THANK YOU for subscribing and your kind words! Second, thank you for the rec! Can people with no coordination use magnetics too? I'm so scared I would put them on sideways or something.
Yes, definitely! I’m pretty malco myself, and it was a bit fiddly at the beginning, so you just need to practice a few times, but once you get the hang of it, it’s super easy. Feel free to DM me if you decide to try it and you want more application tips 😊
This is hilarious! Made my evening.
Thank you for reading, Lindsey!
I subscribed! Looking forward to more essays!
😍😍😍😍
I got you!
Wholly fake eyelashes ! You are whip funny . Timing is everything and you’ve nailed it. Snoring on the table. I’m going to follow you . I’m 74 this month. I look in the mirror every morning and thank my mother for good skin and perky breasts. 🤣
Damn! I’m thanking your mother on your behalf too! Thank you so much, Jennifer! Glad to have you as a reader!
Gird yourselves - it doesn’t get any easier. You’ll look back at your 50 year old face & wonder at why didn’t I appreciate how great I looked then ? Kind of like looking back at those pictures of your 30 year old body in a 2 piece. Why was I so critical cause damn I looked good!
SO AGREE!!! I saw a pic of me 4 years ago and was like, "So youthful. I remember those jeans." You don't know what you got until it's gone!
I have severely reduced eye-sight, had several operations on them and can‘t use mascara any longer as it would find itself somewhere maybe not even on my face! But I never leave the home without a flaming red lipstick. Which, of course, poses other problems….. I usually spend quite some time to apply it, remove it as far as possible of unsuitable bits of my face, am thankful for one friend who tells me ‚there‘s a tiny bit lacking colour there‘ and I smile a lot, really a lot! With my wild white hair and the red lippie, I‘m a ‚reduced‘ but happy woman and I‘m happy for you to have found something you love. Let ‚them‘ eat dry cereals, YOU shine!
Kiki, YOU shine! Thank you! I always wanted to be a lipstick girl. I have hundreds of them just rolling around in my desk drawer. One year I went to Paris with my girlfriends and I wore a coral lipstick everyday and was never happier. Was it because I was in Paris with my girlfriends? Or was it the lipstick? We'll never know.
it was both, love! I lived in the Paris region for 12+ yrs and am always amazed by the craze of every visitor of this city. When you live there, it‘s not so shiny any more…. but my guess is: You were so happy because you were young, carefree, with a bunch of friends, and, after all, it was PARIS! right? I enjoy every day and am thankful to be able to get up, be relatively healthy, happy and yes, we try to shine! You and me both.