It's Disney, Bitch.
It's the most magical place on Earth unless you're six-years-old
The first Christmas after my mom died1 we decided to throw as much money at the holiday as needed to make us forget her absence.
“Let us take the child to Disneyworld,” I said to the husband. “We shall surprise him and have his reaction go viral.”
Nothing makes you forget the passing of a loved one like millions of YouTube views, endorsement deals, and a guest appearance on Jimmy Fallon. Our sweet, grieving six-year-old with the spray of freckles across his nose, love of panda bears, and a potty mouth would become America’s grandchild— the orphaned little boy loved by three living grandparents, and two2 overbearing and obsessively loving parents. We couldn’t add things to his Amazon wishlist fast enough.
As per tradition, we spent every Christmas in south Florida with my parents but this year we would pitstop in Orlando. It was a direct flight from Seattle and cheaper too! My dad, whom our son affectionately referred to as Gekky, would meet us there which would be a SECOND surprise on top of the MEGA surprise! A surprise inside a surprise like the jelly inside a Linzer tart cookie, which was exactly what America would turn into after meeting this sweet, not-an-orphan-orphan on a late night talk show.
Unable to sleep the night before our departure due to excitement, nerves, and trying to figure out how to use Tik Tok so my soon-to-be influencer child could start influencing, I had no trouble getting up before the sun. We were through security and at our gate before dawn. It was there on the tarmac bathed in the cool pink and orange hues of the rising sun, I saw the first clue the Universe was conspiring against us. Our mother f’ing plane was covered in Disney characters from tail to cockpit! Bitch, no. It might as well have proclaimed, You’re parents are surprising you with a trip to Disneyworld! Mickey wasn’t a MOUSE. He was a RAT about to blow our cover!
Fortunately our son was not rising because he didn’t seem to notice the cartoon characters wrapping the exterior of a 737 right in front of him.
Crisis averted.
Until the next one— a three hour and twenty-three minute delay stuck on a plane where 95% of the passengers were dressed in polkadots and glittery mouse ears. And yet, the only thing the child questioned was why we were flying to a place called “Alando” instead of our usual West Palm Beach. Oh really, child? Suddenly you’re a geography expert? Who pays attention to these things?
“It’s just a different airport,” I said.
“But I want to go to Florida,” he said.
“Oh, we are going to Florida! Just a different airport!” I said.
“But I want to go to our Florida,” he said. “With Gekky.”
“It’s an even better Florida,” I said. “Just wait.”
“I don’t think so,” he answered and went back to this iPad.
Great, good, I thought. The more dubious and apathetic he was the better the REVEAL would be!
When we finally arrived in Orlando with our tired, hungry, and confused child it was nearly 10:00 PM, but only 7:00 PM Seattle time. It was time to party! I mean look at this kid! He was so ready to party!
We bypassed all the food kiosks inside the airport serving the child’s favorite beige foods and headed straight for ground transportation. We eschewed private transport and Ubers in favor of letting the Magic of Disney (i.e. an official Disney bus) propel us to the hotel. It was here in the teeming bus bay loaded with more decorative coaches, the child reached Matterhorn heights of despair.
“Where is Gekky?” he yelled. “He always picks us up! I don’t want to ride a bus!”
That is true, my dad was always there at the airport, but what could be better than the Disney Magical Express? We tried our best to comfort him with promises that we’d see Gekky soon (but not too soon to ruin the surprise) while dragging him through throngs of rabid children tripping over their suitcases and younger siblings in anticipation of boarding one of these fantastical, mystical Trojan horses. I’m not one to encourage succumbing to peer pressure, but I was kind of hoping the child would pick up on Lord of the Flies vibes from these other kids and get HYPED.
We finally—quietly and calmly—boarded our bus en route to the Caribbean Beach Resort by way of seven other Disney hotels. Being the last hotel on the route meant an extra forty-five minutes to build up suspense and assuage our grumpy, prone-to-motion-sickness child who was acting like we were dragging him to the rancor pit under Jabba’s palace. There were sixty-eight TVs on the bus, all playing old Disney cartoons in a constant loop. Surely black and white, herky jerky animated mice would get him excited!
When we finally pulled up to the hotel it was close to 11:00 PM and we were the last three people on board. My dad was stationed outside on a bench wearing a Santa cap and beard and holding a bag of Auntie Annie’s pretzels that were warm and fresh for our anticipated arrival eight hours prior. The child recognized him immediately.
Smash those like buttons kids! It was our time to shine!
FINALLY some emotion and the BIGGEST SURPRISE queued up. Bart cobbled together a meal out of gift shop offerings because all of the restaurants at the resort were closed. While the child dined on peanut butter crackers, cheddar harvest Sun Chips, and key lime and coconut chocolate covered alligators, we seeded the ground for THE BIG REVEAL. It was so momentous, so dramatic, it can only be retold as a one-act play.
Lights up:
CARING FATHER takes tired, grumpy, slightly motion sick CHILD’S hand in his and tries desperately to make eye contact. CHILD is too engaged by dissecting a chocolate covered alligator to notice CARING FATHER is talking to him.
CARING FATHER: Buddy, it’s been a long day and you’ve been a total champ.
(Enter STAGE MOM with a camera phone pointed at CHILD. She is harried and impatient and already picking out wallpaper to make the family’s new McMansion more cool and bespoke so strangers in the midwest will leave enough comments about STAGE MOM’S decorating prowess to get the attention of Magnolia Network execs.)
STAGE MOM: Do you know where you are???
(CHILD shakes head, pulls glop of coconut out of a chocolate covered alligator and wipes it on the table.)
STAGE MOM: What were we watching on the bus?
CHILD: Umm, your phone?
STAGE MOM: NO! Besides that!
CARING FATHER: What was on the TVs, buddy?
CHILD: Old cartoons?
CARING FATHER: Yes! Good job! You’re so great and smart!
STAGE MOM: BUT WHAT KIND OF CARTOONS!!!!!!?????? Who was in the OLD CARTOONS???
CHILD: I think a mouse. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. I saw his nipples!
STAGE MOM: OKAY BUT WHO’S NIPPLES DID YOU SEE??? PLEASE TELL US, HONEY!
CARING FATHER: (To STAGE MOM) You’re scaring him.
STAGE MOM: WHO’S NIPPLES DID YOU SEE??!
CHILD: Umm, Nipple Mouse!
GRANDFATHER: Heh. Titmouse. Funny.
STAGE MOM: No! Try AGAIN! Say his name! You can do this!!! For JIMMY!
CARING FATHER: Who’s Jimmy? You mean the cricket?
GRANDFATHER: It’s Mickey Mouse and you’re at Disneyworld! Can we go to sleep now? I’m not on west coast time.
STAGE MOM: Dammit, Gekky!
CARING FATHER: Isn’t that great!? Disneyworld!
CHILD: Oh! Disneyworld. Wow.
GRANDFATHER: Good night!
CARING FATHER: Wait until you see it! It’s magical!
STAGE MOM: Do you know what Disneyworld is???? CAN YOU FEEL THE MAGIC????
CHILD: Do they have cheesecake? I want cheesecake.
STAGE MOM: Oh my god…
CARING FATHER: Sure, buddy, we’ll get you cheesecake tomorrow.
GRANDFATHER: Can someone tell me what room I’m in?
Video abruptly shuts off. Footage is lost forever.
Okay, so a couple of things here.
We were in a relatively nondescript hotel lobby (pretty light on the pirate theme I must say)
It was nighttime and pitch black outside
There was no park, theme or otherwise visible
The child was tired and hungry and very focused on cheesecake
Possibly most important to note, he didn’t know what Disneyworld was. YOU’RE AT DISNEYWORLD could have meant You’re at the dentist! You’re at Home Depot! You’re at an Argentinian scientific research station located on King George Island!
Guess we were too busy teaching him how to use a spoon and not run into traffic to explain Disneyworld and all its offerings. It became clear we would not be going viral. Jimmy Fallon’s people were not going to call. But goddammit all to 20,000 leagues under the sea if this trip wasn’t going to blow this kid’s mind one way or another.
But that would have to wait until tomorrow after we were refreshed from a good night of sleep. When we finally got to the hotel room, the child beelined for the bathroom and barfed all over the floor.
If only I had gotten that on video, surely we would have gone viral.
Happy holidays, friends! Even if you aren’t celebrating, hopefully you’ll get to relax. I’m officially on break and might possibly forget to write next week’s newsletter so apologies in advance. As always thanks for reading and sharing. I do in fact have a nice list and you are all on it.
XO,
Shelly
OMG with the dead mom again. Jeez, lady. We’re not here for the doom and gloom! Okay, look, it’s pure coincidence that this week and last week both referenced my mom! SORRY! You think I actually have some kind of editorial calendar here or something? I have no idea what I’m writing about until I start writing!
Okay, ONE. There is one overbearing parent. FINE.
This is hilarious! And so sweet that all he really cared about was seeing his grandfather. 🥰
So cute! I actually think Jimmy would prefer the innocence and honesty of “mouse nipples” to an excited-kid-reaction. Merry merry. 🎄🎁