Male Menopause is Real and My Mind is Blown
Gird your Rolaids, ladies—"Male Menopause" is here!
I came across an article written by the amazing
titled, Yep, Male Menopause is the Real Deal and I have been shook to my deepest, darkest core.Alisa not only blew my mind at the mere utterance of the words, “Male Menopause,” but also detailed how it affected her marriage for two lonely, confusing years.
Come on, guys! Can’t we have something just for us?
The Art of One-Upping
My husband is a lovely and caring dude and while some people may exhibit nurturing behavior by offering to take over the kid’s bath time so you can watch Below Deck or sneaking Liquid IV powder into your sixth can of White Claw, Bart’s go-to move is what amateur anthropologists might refer to as, “one-upping.” He doesn’t do this in a malicious way. It’s not a dominant show of force or some weird Munchausen flex. It’s how he relates and expresses empathy. I like to refer to this condition as Non-Malicious One-Uppmanship.
Let’s roleplay some scenarios that illustrate Non-Malicious One-Uppmanship:
ME: Do you know where the heating pad is? It feels like someone is scrubbing my uterus up and down on a washboard and wringing it out with an old-fashioned vice-grip.
BART: No, but if you find it can I use it after? I did deadlifts today and my back is a little tight.
BART: Did you cough? Are you sick?
ME: I’ve had this cough since March of last year. I just haven’t had time to pick up my prescription.
BART: Cough, cough, cough… yeah, I know what you mean. My allergies were bad today.
ME: I’m tired. The child had a nightmare because you let him watch Predator again and wouldn’t fall back asleep unless I was in his room. I tried to sleep on his floor, but someone spilled a can of La Croix on his area rug and didn’t bother cleaning it up so I had to get paper towels before I could lay down and when I got up so did the dog and she insisted on going outside to eat grass for twenty minutes and when she finally came back inside I had to follow her around for another twenty minutes waiting for her to barf, which she did— on the rug in my office and I couldn’t find the paper towels in the child’s room and didn’t want to turn the light on to find them so I had to go down to the garage to get a new roll and…
BART: I’M tired too! Sometimes when I get thirteen hours of uninterrupted sleep, it makes me more exhausted!
WOMEN: We have menopause. It is a thing that wrecks our bodies and minds for a decade.
MEN: We have it too.
Is “Male Menopause” another attempt at Non-Malicious One-Upmanship???
Alisa’s essay prompted an immediate fact-finding mission. I jumped into my hot, sweaty chambers and absorbed everything I could about this strange, secret, unfathomable phenomenon by shouting at Alexa, “Please tell me Male Menopause is not real!” We all know how men handle the common cold. Can you imagine them with chronic joint pain and heart palpitations?
Here are my findings:
“Male Menopause” is REAL
"Male Menopause” is a catch-all term used to describe age-related decrease in testosterone
“Male Menopause” must always be written with quotes
“Male Menopause” happens gradually— over years and years. So gradually some men may not even be aware of the symptoms.
Some men may never experience “Male Menopause” (so not like OG Menopause, but sure, co-opt our term.)
When talking about “Male Menopause”, especially with a man complaining about his gassy belly and constipation, you must do air quotes to illustrate you acknowledge the age-related symptoms are similar, but you will not, under any circumstances take this seriously1.
And speaking of symptoms! Perhaps these sound FAMILIAR???
✅ Lowered sexual desire and activity
✅ Breast tenderness or swelling
✅ Infertility
✅ Height loss
✅ Low bone mineral density
✅ Hot flashes or sweats
❌ Erectile dysfunction or decreased erections
Replace “erectile” and “erections” with “mental aptitude” and “metabolism” and they are the same! Is it wrong to feel a little territorial?
There was no denying it. Biology was putting the men in our menopause. But hey, on the positive side, if men can experience menopause, they’ll have a great time explaining it to us!
It’s a Couples Thing
Honestly co-ed menopause could be good for women. Women’s health has been historically underfunded and under-researched. If guys complain about their night sweats and mood imbalances enough, it will shine a big, bright light on this dank corner of the aging process. And it could be great bonding for couples! I’m already picturing Bart and I showing up to a friend’s wedding in matching A-line flowy tops to disguise our growing FUPAs.
Sadly very few men (5% according to Alisa’s article) with low testosterone are even being treated for it. Has anyone told them about “Male Menopause?” Are they too embarrassed to talk about it?
Ladies, we can’t let these guys suffer in silence. That’s worse than suffering publicly alongside ONE BILLION women. We can fix anything and “Male Menopause” is no exception. Let’s normalize this shit! Literally everyone’s doing it! Maybe even make it aspirational?
“Oh sorry, I would love to join you at Paint the Town, Brielle-Joy, but it’s Midlife Couples Night at the Eagle’s Club. Show your HRT patch and you can karaoke for free! No, you can’t come! You’re too young!”
It’s a Branding Issue
What it comes down to is branding. Does anyone think waxing on about how you peed your pants again because you stood up too quickly is sexy or cool? Because if you do, I really hope you subscribe to this newsletter.
I was the brand manager for Dungeons & Dragons for years so I know a thing or two about marketing something that was decidedly uncool and turning it into a pop culture juggernaut. (I did that. All by myself2.)When I’ve had my way with “Male Menopause,” young bucks will be begging for mood swings and pits that reek like an ancient casket full of dip spit.
Hey, Dude, What a Great idea!
If we want men to take “Male Menopause” seriously we have to convince them it was their idea.
Remember when guys started wearing crossbody leather carry-all bags and we had to pretend they invented the purse?
“Hey, Brian, I like your purse! Is that Gucci?”
“It’s a MURSE, Diane! I was constantly lugging around my phone, chapstick, keys, portable cooling fan, protein bar in case I get peckish, and extra bottle of deodorant. Don’t go anywhere without that! And I was like, hmm…if only I had a device to carry everything…”
And what about this goddamn thing!?
“Bro, is that a romper?”
“NO! It’s a RompHIM, Sheila! And before you ask, this isn’t a bun— it’a MAN-bun.”
What’s in a Name?
I think we can all agree “Male Menopause” ain’t it. It’s the biological equivalent of holding our purses while we pillage the racks at T.J. Maxx. Take a cue from the advertising mavens who give pick-up trucks their names. Do you want to drop $75k on a “roomy couch mover?” or would you rather roll up on your friend’s lawn in a “Dirt Gladiator Road Tiger?”
Men need to feel comfortable talking to their doctors. They need to feel excited and pumped up about their changing bodies.
Here’s some ideas off the top of my head:
Mega-Metamorphosis
Patriarchal Plunge-Diving
Silverback Era
Masculine Attainment Achievement
Man o’ Pause
Hormonado: It’s About Time
ManoCLAWS
What Ails You, Bro?
Men aren’t talking to each other about their tender breasts, so we’re also going to have to work on their symptoms.
Hey my guy, do you suffer from:
Callused Hands- Less time getting busy means more time getting busy with MAN JOBS like leather working, welding, Komodo dragon breeding, and quarry blasting which can lead to a rugged, thickening of the flesh. You’re a knight in tough skin armor!
A More Comfortable Travel Experience- Those lucky enough to experience the Mega-Metamorphosis get to bask in several inches of extra legroom on airplanes, trains, and Ubers thanks to a loss of height.
Punishing Pecs- Do you lift, bro? Sure feels like it! The engorgement and tightness in the chest region makes everyday a metabolic burnout day.
Lightening Zapped- Ever wonder what it feels like to be submerged in hot, molten lava as electricity spontaneously tears through your veins like you’ve been christened by Thor himself? Wonder no more!
Beefing Up… and At ‘Em!- It’s a Dad Bod summer! Why just beef up when you can beef out— of your butt! Put that Dad Bod to audible use and liven up boring old BBQs and outdoor movie nights with a butt trumpet salute!
Full-Body Fatigues— Not just a cool wardrobe staple anymore! You’ll feel like you’ve been put through the paces of boot camp every day, all day! Perk up, soldier! You’re in MANOPAUSE!
If this sounds like you, talk to your doctor about adding rattlesnake carcasses and water from a hydrothermal field to your diet today!
What Would Don Draper Do?
Sometimes when I need a little pick me up, I get on Canva and channel my inner Don Draper. How would he sell Man o’ Claws to legions of middle-aged men? Like a lady boss, that’s how. Here’s just a few ideas I’m workshopping:
Guys, we are your sisters in cleavage coolers and we got you. You’ve seen us at our ragiest. Our sweatiest. Our bloatiest. You’ve seen our yoga pants riding up our butt cracks and hair falling out from the breeze we cultivate walking to the freezer for another FatBoy churro sandwich. There is nothing you can’t show us. Let that Man o’ Pause flag fly.
Show your lady how low you can go. And then ask her to call your doctor because you have no idea what his name is, do you?
XO,
Shelly
Everyone’s Talking about Male Menopause
“Male Menopause” is a hot (pun intended!) topic! Literally seconds after I started pecking away at this post,
scheduled a live chat with on this very topic! (Also Bob sounds like a truly awesome guy.) Watch the replay here.And yes, if I can acknowledge “male menopause” is real, you should too, guys! Especially if you’re experiencing symptoms of peak maximum masculine ascension, talk to your doctor. Or take it as a sign to get a doctor! And really— you gotta come up with a better name!
Middle-Aged Ladies Are Looking to Chat With People Just Like You
The MALM community has an official chat and you need to join us! Can I finally use the name “Sweaty Rabbit Hole?”
We’re currently venting, panning, and bashing the Sex and the City reboot series, And Just Like That. New episodes drop every Thursday and the chat is open all week. It’s a hate-watch fest and you don’t even have to watch the show. Vent about anything. I’ll listen!
Want to support a Middle-Aged Lady (but from afar so you don’t get her gross sweat on you?) It’s easy!
Like what you read?
Like this post, share this post, send it to your mortal enemy!
Subscribe for free!
Did I mention it’s freeeeeeeee???
Upgrade to paid monthly!
Take our relationship to the next level while being able to ghost me anytime!
Upgrade to an annual subscription (a much better deal!)
Who’s afraid of commitment? Not you! I’m no math whiz, but this is a far superior deal!
Tell Your Friends About Middle-Aged Lady Mom
Hear ye, hear ye! Your friends need more unhinged humor in their lives! Send me to them!
Is now a good time to remind you I am not a doctor? Of course any health-related symptoms should be taken seriously. But this is a humor rag so you know, seek guidance from an actual practicing medical professional.
FALSE! But I like to think my contributions didn’t make it less cool.
I effing LOVE this post!! ❤️😂🙏 "I was the brand manager for Dungeons & Dragons for years so I know a thing or two about marketing something that was decidedly uncool and turning it into a pop culture juggernaut." YES! That is the BOMB!
I’m highly skeptical of male menopause, and I plan to complain about it nonstop from now on.