Ask a Middle-Aged Lady Mom

We're going to tell you anyway.

Welcome to a new series called Ask a Middle-Aged Lady Mom. It’s where I give unsolicited answers to questions no one asked. I mean, somebody somewhere probably asked. They just didn’t ask me. So really it’s me giving myself advice about hypothetical problems I don’t actually have. Really good stuff here, friends.

But I do often wonder how I would react to my made up problems. And who knows? Maybe I’m actually pretty insightful. This week’s question come from…err…oh well, I guess that ship has sailed. It’s from meeeeeeeeee!

Q: My husband and I made friends with another couple and we really like them— but we don’t like their kids. Like, actively can’t stand their kids. They’re whiny, entitled little brats and always such a buzzkill to be around. I feel bad talking about children that way but I’m telling you— you would too if you met these kids. So what happens now? We miss out on getting to know some really cool new friends because their kids are little jerks?

A: Oh man, this is a bummer. And I feel you. I too have friends that I LOVE, despite their kid who’s a real dickhead¹. But that kid came way late into our friendship so I feel like we had enough solid platonic love to keep our friendship footing when their little brat baby crashed the party. It’s so weird how really great people can birth such terrible humans. Like, where did that come from? Is it a recessive gene? A hex from a petty pagan priestess? Karma from a past life full of misdeeds and rabble-rousing?

Regardless, it happens but here at the Offices of Middle-Aged Lady Moms we don’t let kids rule our lives or tell us what to do². You have a few choices here and none of them are stop being friends with these nice people. Parent friends are GOLD and must be protected at all costs!

Try these tactics:

1. Only invite your new friends to activities that are unwelcoming or not enticing to kids. Wine tasting, cross-fit, axe throwing, anything involving walking— all great choices. That kid will be begging to stay home.

2. If the kid has to tag along, turn that frown into a drinking game. Every time the little brat whines, makes a face, doesn’t use good manners, refuses to listen, you and your partner kick each other under the table and drink. Soon you won’t even notice that kid. Or yours.

3. Make it a teachable moment! The bratty kid is basically a walking, sniveling, snotty-nosed PSA for what not to do. Let your kid bear witness to all the things they shouldn’t do. When my son was three, we used to tell stories called Kids Be Sad. In it, his daycare buds were constantly harassed by a band of shitty children named Kicky Karla, Disappointed Dennis, Bossy Brian, and Tantrum Tony until my son swooped in and rescued them all. This is a great opportunity to teach your kid about moral superiority with a dash of Karen-ism. The ride home will be all about, “Did you see what Bratty Bobby did when his mom said he could only have four cupcakes? I’m soooooooooo glad we don’t act that way in our house!”

   

   Me telling my friend’s bratty kid it was MY TURN to play Mario Kart!

4. Prepare for battle. Maybe you just thought you didn’t like your friends’ kids because you weren’t in the right mindset. Does a professional athlete just park their car, put on their cleats, and head out to the field? No! There is a mindset. A headspace. A pre-game warm up. Probably a few side-stretches and neck circles. THIS IS WAR! You must desensitize yourself to shitty behavior by immersing yourself in shitty behavior. It’s finger pointed right in the EYE OF THE TIGER! Before facing off with your juvenile mortal enemy, steel yourself with this routine:

   1. Watch the famous KIM vs. KYLE “BITCH STOLE MY HOUSE” limo fight from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

   2. Watch the famous AVIVA THROWS HER GODDAMN LEG ACROSS THE ROOM scene from the Real Housewives of New York

   3. Watch the famous THERESA FLIPS A MOTHER F’ING TABLE AT A MOTHER F’ING BABY CHRISTENING scene from the Real Housewives of New Jersey

   4. Watch the absolutely bonkers and epic BETHENY vs KELLY ON SCARY ISLAND SHOWDOWN from The Real Housewives of New York

   5. Watch the breathtaking KIM RICHARDS KNOWS SHIT ABOUT LISA RINNA’S HUSBAND Amsterdam dinner fight from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Get LISA RINNA ASKS DORIT IF PEOPLE WERE DOING COKE IN HER BATHROOM as a bonus.

   6. Do a few side-stretches and neck circles

Honestly if this great advice doesn’t make you actually want a friend with terrible children, I don’t know how to help you.

If you would like to submit an actual question and receive actual solicited advice, I guess we could do that too, but for now I’ll be right here answering questions no one asked and feeling pretty awesome about it.

XO,

Shelly

1. Do I? Or this also made up? Are you my friend and now wondering if I’m talking about your shitty kid? I promise, if you’re reading this, it’s not your kid! (I know for a FACT the people I’m talking about are not subscribers and probably don’t even know about this gorgeous little corner of the internet. They’re too busy taking care of a JERK!)

2. Except sometimes like this weekend when my son’s friend demanded I text another friend’s mom to ask that kid to come over and bring pizza. And I did! (Except the pizza part because I already ordered one.) And then I was like, WTF? I don’t obey pushy, bossy, mannerless ten-year-olds unless they were grown in my body. (And no, this pushy kid’s mom is also not a subscriber so FAIR GAME.)