Poised and Ready for Parenthood
Climb aboard this giant absorbent surfboard between my legs and let's go!
Found these under my bathroom sink:
Nope, Grandma wasn’t visiting. Nope, not left over from the previous homeowners. I bought these. For me. They, along with the 17 bags of cotton balls and bottles of gripe water were on my “things I need to stockpile in my baby bunker to survive the newborn apocalypse of 2013” list. But why so many cotton balls? Who led me to believe babies used so many cotton balls?
In any case, I had those enormous protection discrete contra les pertes pads ready to go for the BIG NEWBORN EVENT and never even opened them. Years later they were still taking up precious under-the-sink space that could have gone to, I don’t know, a Volvo?
I blame the hospital “prep” classes and the caftan-wearing, crystal-swinging, natural-birth-on-a-balance-ball-having “instructors” for my miseducation. They scared the the amniotic fluid right out of me and into the automatic doors of Walgreens on an ultimate absorbency, long-length, overnight protection lady pad raid because goddammit if you don’t have 800 Poise pads after you have a baby, you ain’t got nothing. AND DON’T FORGET THE COTTON BALLS!
Yeah, stuff happens inside a post-birth lady’s body. And that stuff comes out. Quite a lot, in fact. (Unless you have a C-section like me and quite a lot less comes out but no one presented that hypothetical so I totally bought what discreet protection people were peddling.)Yeah okay, your regular run-of-the-mill pantyliner probably wouldn’t cut it, but I what did I think was going to fall out of me? Crater Lake? For like two years?
See? This was just another way those hospital birthing classes failed. Parents-to-be are not leaving adequately prepared. Nice to know some women find sitting on a fit ball relieves some of the discomfort of labor. (Discomfort? Really? F.U.) And sure the carseat safety and installation class is helpful if you can’t figure out how one works from the instruction manual (and honestly you can’t. Don’t even try.) But really an email from my doctor saying, “Congratulations! You’re having a baby! Meet Sue at the Texaco on 35th to install your carseat1” would have sufficed. Then again, all those parents-to-be in our class would have missed out on Bart upending a carseat and trying to free our demo doll baby by shaking it like it was a toy from the bottom of a cereal box. For weeks I had nightmares about that upside-down doll baby2 and sweaty, condescending, self-proclaimed carseat expert Sue popping up in the backseat of our car.
This is why I’m starting my own prep series called Parenting in Survival Mode or PISM. (To be clear, that’s pronounced Pisssssss-Em.) Our slogan? “Well, Now You’ve Done it. Might as Well Try to Survive It.”
Read what other moms have to say about my expert advice!
“Wow, Shelly has lowered the bar so much on new motherhood, I feel like even my newborn could step over it. Her lack of experience really boosted my confidence. Thanks, girl!” - Samantha, confident mom of a toddler
“OMG, listening to Shelly talk about being a new mom freaked me out so badly. It was like being trapped in a Scared Straight video. But anytime I managed to get my baby dressed or brush my teeth at least a few times a week, I felt like I was crushing motherhood. So, there’s that I guess.” - Joanna, mom of a partially dressed newborn
“Shelly really made me fear the worst. And the worst for normal people isn’t really that bad. Without PISM, I probably would have had much higher expectations and been sorely disappointed by motherhood. Thanks? I guess?” - Amelia- not disappointed mom to a 4-year-old
Guys, newborns can’t walk. There’s no way they’re stepping over a bar no matter how low it is. Please don’t compare your immobile newborn to some mythical ambulatory newborn and think there’s something wrong with your baby. See? I’m teaching you already.
My PISM series will debunk all the things the hospital classes teach and teach the things they don’t like:
Breastfeeding Sucks (Yes, of course pun intended!) It’s not YOU, it’s (probably) THEM. Is it a tongue-tie? A weak latch? Milk supply just need a little cajoling? Or is the most natural thing in the world not that natural after all? (Answer: all of the above)
What the hell is a tongue-tie and why didn’t anyone tell me this was a thing?
Yes, you should be pumping. Pump it real good.
What to watch when you’re up all night pumping and feeding. Lady, I have trash so juicy your little raccoon heart will start looking forward to those 2am wake-ups!
What to pack in your hospital bag. HINT: Maternity clothes because you don’t bounce back overnight. Oopsie!
How to rock maternity clothes 9 months postpartum. (Honestly, I’d still rock them 10 years later.)
How to disguise the fact you have a canoe taped to your underwear.
The amazing things your body can do on 2 hours of sleep.
Formula will not kill your baby.
Outside will not kill your baby.
How to trick a newborn into liking their carseat (and stroller, bassinet, Ergo, crib, pajamas, sponge bath, etc.)
How to stand up to a
bullybaby.Sleep training– it’s fun! Babies like schedules! And 4 out of 5 tweens polled say they don’t remember crying it out.
WTF is gripe water and do you need it? (Don’t know, but I think I still have some if you want it.)
C-sections ARE in fact a “real birth” and NOT the “easy way out.” Having your insides outside of your body while a human is removed from your abdominal doesn’t sound “easy” but neither does the “other way” so can we just call it a tie? (I have LOTS to say on this topic, but again, story for another time. In the meantime, check out what
says about her positive C-section. Yes, it’s possible!)How the most terrifying, chaotic, harrowing period of your life can become your happy place once you’re parenting a newborn. (And that’s how we lower the bar, friends!)
How not to throat-punch the next person who tells you, “Enjoy every minute!” Again, F.U.
How to not feel like a failure of a human husk because you don’t “enjoy every minute.” It’s hard to love getting crapped on and having to cancel plans because you have hand, foot and mouth disease again.
Hospitals, step aside. I’m taking over. Sign up for my first class today and take advantage of a limited time3 promotion: Every student gets a Poise pad and a cotton ball.
XO,
Shelly
Did this. Sue was…interesting. Very sweaty. Definitely a story for another day.
I realize now the doll wasn’t what I was afraid of but rather that I procreated with a man who thought you could upend a carseat and shimmy a baby right out of it. Did he have no idea how much I paid Sue to install that thing?
Limited time = forever.