"To thine own self be true" was written just for you, Shelley, and I reckon these days, you might have a bit of competition to be the first off the plane.
Oh my gosh, Shelly, you never fail to disappoint. Every one of your posts is so funny, I end up laugh-crying. Thank you. So awesome. As for emergencies...nope. I kind of freak out and then freeze. Much better if someone else is making decisions. I do NOT sit in the exit row.
MARIA! Thank you for those kind words! I needed them todayyyyyyyy! Let's hope for everyone's safety, you and I are never seated in an exit row together. Just the THOUGHT of something happening and being asked to help would be toooo much!!!
I've never even thought of scoping out the people seated in the exit row to determine if they'd actually be able to help me in an emergency....super unprepared of me, I'm glad I know the safe word and I hope we're on the same flight cause now my trust issues with everyone are running faster and faster.
You know me so well. I laughed at so many things here but the old lady whimpering in pain was a gem. (I'd greatly appreciate it if no one quotes me on that out of context. Thank you.)
One winter night years ago, a few of us were going somewhere, and we were all following a friend, Tina. I was in the car behind her, and there was another car behind me. Well, Tina got t-boned by another vehicle. I stopped, got out of the car, and ran over to hers. I was wearing a long black coat, which was unbuttoned, so it was trailing behind me as I ran. My friend in the car behind me later told me, "You looked like Batman!"
There wasn't much I could actually do beyond running over there, but that was the greatest thing anyone has ever said to me. (Tina was a little banged up but ultimately fine, btw.)
Ok, first- I'm glad Tina is ok. Second, I'm glad you laughed at the old lady whimpering (and I hope no one takes THAT out of context either), and third, if I had seen what you saw I would have went into shock in the backseat (even if I wasn't sitting in the backseat) and yelled with my eyes closed until the paramedics left Tina's side and tended to me. THAT'S how you handle an emergency!
I do like to sit in the emergency exit row if possible, btw. As you said, the legroom is incredible. But do I retain the instructions the flight attendant makes me swear to obey? I do not. And do I have any idea how I'd respond if there were actually a "situation." I do not. I'm just rolling the dice in the sky casino.
I was competent in an earthquake, sandstorm, and hurricane. I'm done taking care of others.
I have been in the exit row in the pas lt numerous times...each time,.the only people drinking alcohol on the plane were in the exit row. That seems wrong 🤷🏻
Hahaha. I am flying tomorrow, in an exit row and have determined that we are air travel soul sisters. My airplane issues lean more toward panic though. I recently wrote an article about my travel woes and decided that I might actually be a flight risk. My husband did not disagree...
In the unlikely event, I have no idea what I am capable of. Can I rip of a 35lb door and blow up everyone's floatation device? Land the plane and perform CPR on myself in the unlikely event? Maybe. Or maybe if Im lucky, I just pass out like those goats that just topple over when they get stressed.
Wait how likely are we talking about? These stewardess's sure do seem adamant about the civilian training.
But look at all this leg room! I'm 5'3" and I need every square inch to perform my mid flight yoga stretches.
Omgosh, thank you for this perfectly articulated essay. It took me right back to my last flight where after said unlikely-event-training, I saw a women in the exit seat switch seats with someone else. The responsibility must have been the last straw. Her anxiety immediately went down as she settled into her non-commital row.
Pass out like those goats...🤣🤣🤣 Hysterical!! I have to admire that woman for changing seats and giving up all that sweet, sweet legroom in exchange for peace of mind!
As a tall guy, I love exit rows. I like to think I'd be brave and selfless, but deep inside, I worry I'd be like you--crawling all over grandma in my desperate attempt to escape.
Truly epic use of a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory gif- well played! Also I feel like you would at least provide entertainment value to whoever you were sitting next to, which is exactly what I’d want if the plane were going down. I bet ol’ Dianne didn’t think of that!
They say a good way to make yourself less anxious is to find someone who appears more anxious than you are and focus on them. So I could at least be THAT person!
I wonder what you would think if you saw my smug mug in the exit row. Would I have hidden my incompetence well enough? Would you have seen right through me? Would you have seen a soul sister and thought, "oh this one is bat shit, but we'll have so much fun on the evacuation slide!"
Haha this is so me. Fucking useless in an emergency - and planes are MY WORST. Every time one of my kids has been injured, I just stand there flapping my hands and making weird noises. Luckily Andrew is much more competent and has saved numerous people from the jaws of death.
Oh yes, when I'm not frozen I'm definitely an arm flapper too! I think it's good that competent people like Andrew and Bart are drawn to incompetent in crisis people like us. Also I hope knowing there are assholes like me in the emergency exit doesn't add to your fear of flying!
This had me cracking up and also feeling deeply seen except I’m the opposite. I crumble under normal life stress but somehow turn into a calm, capable queen in a real 911. Like, I could probably land the plane… but ask me to organize a carpool and I’ll weep. Every detail in this was perfect, the grandma, the alpine meadow, the biceps guy. So glad I found this. Truly inspiring writing!!!!
Hehe. I can't recall ever reacting positively or negatively to an emergency. Being paranoid, I usually do everything I can to avoid potential emergencies. Like you still went to your friend's wedding after 9/11? Not me. I do not have that kind of loyalty. I would have never been on that plane. And when it comes to safety, I find it odd how often we take safety for granted. I remember Norm McDonald talking about even driving a car and how we do so every day, riding around in a hunk of metal at high enough speeds to get seriously injured or killed and then just figuring everything will be fine. You get super close to hitting somebody but he. It'll be fine. A lunatic runs a red light and comes within feet of plowing into you. Ah, it'll be fine. I have a high appreciation for those who avoid emergencies, much like myself. Maybe it's a sheltered life, but it's not a stupid one. So, if I was in an emergency, I might react much the same way you have. Haha. Great post, Shelly.
I’m shockingly competent in an actual emergency. Just please don’t ever ask me if I want regular or sweet potato fries, or sneakers or sandals, or….You’ll be standing there for days
"To thine own self be true" was written just for you, Shelley, and I reckon these days, you might have a bit of competition to be the first off the plane.
Oh good point! Not everyone I sit by will be a frail old woman! I better start training up!
Oh my gosh, Shelly, you never fail to disappoint. Every one of your posts is so funny, I end up laugh-crying. Thank you. So awesome. As for emergencies...nope. I kind of freak out and then freeze. Much better if someone else is making decisions. I do NOT sit in the exit row.
MARIA! Thank you for those kind words! I needed them todayyyyyyyy! Let's hope for everyone's safety, you and I are never seated in an exit row together. Just the THOUGHT of something happening and being asked to help would be toooo much!!!
I've never even thought of scoping out the people seated in the exit row to determine if they'd actually be able to help me in an emergency....super unprepared of me, I'm glad I know the safe word and I hope we're on the same flight cause now my trust issues with everyone are running faster and faster.
I hope we're on the same flight one day too but mostly because I think we'd have a great time and come up with some great new content!
You know me so well. I laughed at so many things here but the old lady whimpering in pain was a gem. (I'd greatly appreciate it if no one quotes me on that out of context. Thank you.)
One winter night years ago, a few of us were going somewhere, and we were all following a friend, Tina. I was in the car behind her, and there was another car behind me. Well, Tina got t-boned by another vehicle. I stopped, got out of the car, and ran over to hers. I was wearing a long black coat, which was unbuttoned, so it was trailing behind me as I ran. My friend in the car behind me later told me, "You looked like Batman!"
There wasn't much I could actually do beyond running over there, but that was the greatest thing anyone has ever said to me. (Tina was a little banged up but ultimately fine, btw.)
Ok, first- I'm glad Tina is ok. Second, I'm glad you laughed at the old lady whimpering (and I hope no one takes THAT out of context either), and third, if I had seen what you saw I would have went into shock in the backseat (even if I wasn't sitting in the backseat) and yelled with my eyes closed until the paramedics left Tina's side and tended to me. THAT'S how you handle an emergency!
😂
I do like to sit in the emergency exit row if possible, btw. As you said, the legroom is incredible. But do I retain the instructions the flight attendant makes me swear to obey? I do not. And do I have any idea how I'd respond if there were actually a "situation." I do not. I'm just rolling the dice in the sky casino.
I was competent in an earthquake, sandstorm, and hurricane. I'm done taking care of others.
I have been in the exit row in the pas lt numerous times...each time,.the only people drinking alcohol on the plane were in the exit row. That seems wrong 🤷🏻
Hahhahahhahha! I never even thought of that! Maybe it's all the stress of waiting for the wing to fall off or something.
Hahaha. I am flying tomorrow, in an exit row and have determined that we are air travel soul sisters. My airplane issues lean more toward panic though. I recently wrote an article about my travel woes and decided that I might actually be a flight risk. My husband did not disagree...
Ha! Yeah, we sound like the perfect duo to travel together-- in an EXIT ROW! I hope your trip was smooth sailing and uneventful!
In the unlikely event, I have no idea what I am capable of. Can I rip of a 35lb door and blow up everyone's floatation device? Land the plane and perform CPR on myself in the unlikely event? Maybe. Or maybe if Im lucky, I just pass out like those goats that just topple over when they get stressed.
Wait how likely are we talking about? These stewardess's sure do seem adamant about the civilian training.
But look at all this leg room! I'm 5'3" and I need every square inch to perform my mid flight yoga stretches.
Omgosh, thank you for this perfectly articulated essay. It took me right back to my last flight where after said unlikely-event-training, I saw a women in the exit seat switch seats with someone else. The responsibility must have been the last straw. Her anxiety immediately went down as she settled into her non-commital row.
Pass out like those goats...🤣🤣🤣 Hysterical!! I have to admire that woman for changing seats and giving up all that sweet, sweet legroom in exchange for peace of mind!
As a tall guy, I love exit rows. I like to think I'd be brave and selfless, but deep inside, I worry I'd be like you--crawling all over grandma in my desperate attempt to escape.
There’s a squirmy little chicken face in all of us I think. Some are just better at hiding it down than others.
Truly epic use of a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory gif- well played! Also I feel like you would at least provide entertainment value to whoever you were sitting next to, which is exactly what I’d want if the plane were going down. I bet ol’ Dianne didn’t think of that!
They say a good way to make yourself less anxious is to find someone who appears more anxious than you are and focus on them. So I could at least be THAT person!
Gurlll, you can paint a picture! I felt like I was on those planes with you. And I DEFINITELY size up the people in exit rows!
I wonder what you would think if you saw my smug mug in the exit row. Would I have hidden my incompetence well enough? Would you have seen right through me? Would you have seen a soul sister and thought, "oh this one is bat shit, but we'll have so much fun on the evacuation slide!"
Hahaha. I’ve always wanted to try one, but, like, not because of a real emergency!
So funny! Thanks for making me laugh!
Thank you for reading, Judi!
Loved it! Thanks for writing it!
Haha this is so me. Fucking useless in an emergency - and planes are MY WORST. Every time one of my kids has been injured, I just stand there flapping my hands and making weird noises. Luckily Andrew is much more competent and has saved numerous people from the jaws of death.
Oh yes, when I'm not frozen I'm definitely an arm flapper too! I think it's good that competent people like Andrew and Bart are drawn to incompetent in crisis people like us. Also I hope knowing there are assholes like me in the emergency exit doesn't add to your fear of flying!
We have other important skills, like stacking dishwashers in the correct manner. 🤷♀️
🙌
This had me cracking up and also feeling deeply seen except I’m the opposite. I crumble under normal life stress but somehow turn into a calm, capable queen in a real 911. Like, I could probably land the plane… but ask me to organize a carpool and I’ll weep. Every detail in this was perfect, the grandma, the alpine meadow, the biceps guy. So glad I found this. Truly inspiring writing!!!!
Hehe. I can't recall ever reacting positively or negatively to an emergency. Being paranoid, I usually do everything I can to avoid potential emergencies. Like you still went to your friend's wedding after 9/11? Not me. I do not have that kind of loyalty. I would have never been on that plane. And when it comes to safety, I find it odd how often we take safety for granted. I remember Norm McDonald talking about even driving a car and how we do so every day, riding around in a hunk of metal at high enough speeds to get seriously injured or killed and then just figuring everything will be fine. You get super close to hitting somebody but he. It'll be fine. A lunatic runs a red light and comes within feet of plowing into you. Ah, it'll be fine. I have a high appreciation for those who avoid emergencies, much like myself. Maybe it's a sheltered life, but it's not a stupid one. So, if I was in an emergency, I might react much the same way you have. Haha. Great post, Shelly.
Oh man it is times like these that I wish I could post a picture as my comment.
If I could all you would be seeing is a picture of George Costanza knocking over an old lady and a clown to escape a fire.
Cause that’s me, in any emergency.
I’m shockingly competent in an actual emergency. Just please don’t ever ask me if I want regular or sweet potato fries, or sneakers or sandals, or….You’ll be standing there for days