Will Daycare Ruin My Kid?

No! That's your job, Mom and Dad!

Photo by Gautam Arora on Unsplash

One day when we pulled up in front of my son’s daycare he yelled, “I’m home!”

Well, hold on there, Champ, I thought. Do you see any spaghetti smears on those windows? Does their couch smell like curdled cheese and dirty feet? Is Thomas THE GODDAMN Tank Engine playing on a loop while 56 hours of quality Bravo television dies a slow, lonely death on the DVR ? No? Then this is not your home!

Our son attended the same daycare since he was three months old and spent a considerable chunk of his waking hours here. So, yeah, I can see his confusion. But I had a full time job and a two-year-old son and I happened to love them both. Therein lied the dilemma.

Being a mom is great, but have you tried spending time around other adults for a full day? Peeing without another human on your lap? Eating an uninterrupted meal? Also pretty great. My job was engaging, challenging, and mostly fun. I’m sure many stay-at-home parents would say the same, but I can unequivocally say their job was harder than mine. As my now tween son would say, “They’re just built different.”

Oh this must be so hard for you…

I remember the pitying looks when I told people I was returning to work barely three months postpartum. (I tried to return even sooner but my boss was like, “Umm, you’re not even cleared to drive yet, lady. How about no?”) I remember the sympathetic words about “how hard that must be” or “how much I must miss my son.” I remember the sad smiles cast in my baby’s direction as someone proclaimed, “He’s just so…young.”

I’m sure they meant well¹, but I picked up what they were putting down.

Me.

The working mom.

Such a travesty.

What a blight on the American family.

Did they think I’m doing my child a disservice by returning to work? Would he be better off if either Bart or I were his sole providers? Is he going to fall in with a bad crowd and be exposed to Paw Patrol and juice boxes before he’s ready?

But here’s what they didn’t know

I couldn’t wait to go back to work. I barely survived maternity leave. I never entertained the thought of quitting my job to take care of my son full-time.

I love my son and I love being a mom but part of my mom identity is that of someone who works “outside of the home.” (Well technically not ANYMORE thanks to Covid, but you know what I mean.) I have nothing but respect for stay-at-home parents. It’s the hardest job in the world and I know I couldn’t hack it. Maybe it’s because I was advanced maternal age when I became a mom and was too set in my ways. Most likely it was because I’m quite lazy.

Childcare has always been a contentious subject. For one thing, it ain’t cheap and for some families simply out of the question. It might not make sense for one parent to return to work if a large chunk of their paycheck goes towards tuition. And then there’s the guilt and misconceptions and anxiety about leaving your child in someone else’s care. I get it. For our family, daycare was one of our best parenting decisions. (The bar was pretty low, to be fair.)

While there are plenty of benefits to staying home with your kids, if you find the right daycare, there can also be plenty of advantages.

Sippy Cups Runneth Over with Good Role Models

When asked if I really wanted “someone else raising my child?” my answer was, “That depends.”

Are those “someones” highly educated experts in the field of child behavior, psychology, and development with years of experience dealing with children? Then yes. Yes, I do. Have at him.

But let’s be honest—“raise” is a pretty strong word. His teachers definitely helped shape him into the fine young man he become, but if our kid turns out to be a jerkwad, that onus is on us.

The Babysitters Club is Always Open

One night, traffic was terrible and Bart and I were going to be late for pick-up. Instead of having to take out a second mortgage to pay the “after-hours pick up fees,” I texted a few people and BAM! I had FIVE offers from other daycare parents to pick him up.

This was not uncommon. My kid was either hosting (best that a baby could) or attending impromptu play dates before work, after work, and on the weekends. These kids spent more time with each other than anyone else so they’re more than comfortable together. In fact, they were downright delirious over the prospect of adding on another couple hours.

Several parents swapped sitter duty on a regular basis to give each other child-free nights out. When your family is 3,000 miles away, it was a huge relief to have a support team in case of emergency. (And yes, the occasional Happy Hour was considered an emergency.)

Social Studies 101

Daycare is a great place to get kids acclimated with the ways of the world. Not only can my kid nap on a mat in a bright room while other kids are performing a puppet show and throwing trucks through block towers, he also knows how to share and wait his turn and respect authority outside of mom and dad. He loves kids of all ages and adults, and learned to say, “NO THANK YOU” when someone was bothering him. (I heard NO THANK YOU a lot.)

My kid is important to his teachers, but he’s not the center of their universe (I know!). None of the kids are and that’s a really good thing. My son is an only child (and only grandchild on both sides) so having to compete for a toy once in a while was totally worth the price of admission.

Someone hand me a Magna-Tile and no one gets hurt! Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

They Keep Your Memories

No, not in a sci-fi way.  More of an “in the cloud” sort of way.

The other day Bart asked me what Quinn’s first word was and I said, “I’m pretty sure it was ball.”

“Are you sure?” Bart asked? “I thought it was mama?”

“Hang on,” I answered, grabbing his baby book. “Let’s see what Mr. Eric said.”

The baby book was not created by us. We, umm, never got around to it. (Must have spent too much time at those happy hours.) The baby book was created by the daycare teachers, updated yearly, and gifted to us when our son graduated to kindergarten.

Thankfully, the daycare kept excellent records. They posted daily photos on their private Facebook page and were always great about celebrating and commemorating milestones. I know exactly when Lucy took her first step and when Levi came to school in his first pair of Pull-Ups. Charlie’s inaugural creamed corn lunch has been memorialized as was the day Penelope got stuck trying to scale the Ride n’ Stride Hippo. I may not remember the exact date my son cut his first tooth, but there’s a good chance it’s in his baby book.

How Awkward Parents Become Friends

Happy kids mean happy parents, and happy parents like getting together to talk about their happy kids. See how that works? Our daycare hosted parties (complete with kegs and red Solo cups!) and other social events so families could get to know one another.

Some of my most favorite people are the parents of my son’s friends. When you see videos of your kids slow dancing to Let it Go or eating Play-Doh out of one another’s hair, an introduction is kind of in order. And how great is it to hang out with people who have a house stocked with every kid-friendly accoutrement you’ll ever need and totally understand when you flee because you must get home in time for the nap.

He Knows What?

Every day my son came home and said or did something that made Bart and I ask, “He knows that?” My son’s teachers encouraged using utensils and good manners, and discouraged hitting and counting crayons as a food group. He knew songs (everything from Farmer in the Dell to Bohemian Rhapsody), picked up some sweet dance moves and learned basic sign language. Reciting the alphabet and counting to 100 were some of his favorite pastimes.

While daycare may seem like all fun and games, that’s not always the case. Daycare can seamlessly roll straight into preschool with a carefully planned and thought-out curriculum. If I were my son’s primary caregiver he would have been very well-versed in flipping houses and the torrid backstories of every Real Housewife, which is important and all, buy maybe not the stuff college essays are made of.

Someone Needs to Be Objective About Your Kid

Four out of four grandparents agreed our son was a genius. Sounds great, but I’m pretty sure being able to recite almost every page of Dr. Seuss’s The Foot Book doesn’t automatically grant you a Mensa membership.

Unlike me, daycare providers spend a lot of time around kids and therefore can give an honest assessment of your child’s development. I thought my kid was a block stacking savant. Turns out he was average, but his gross motor skills were apparently legendary on the playground. He could hit a whiffle ball “to the moon” (according to him) almost every time. We all agreed his dance moves had potential but needed work.

Parents have enough to worry about, but providing a safe and loving environment when you can’t be there doesn’t have to be one of them. And not being there all the time is okay, too. Good teachers are deeply invested. Other parents become Aunt and Uncle. You can gain a whole village to celebrate (and track) milestones.

In a way my son was right— daycare was like home.

XO,

Shelly

1. No.