You Are Not the Worst Parent!
I've seen some things, man...
I am the equivalent of a PhD in the field of Reality TV thanks to years of eyes-on field studies and research. I have borne witness to shows no one but my mother (who was also a reality TV savant) and low-level apprentice editors have seen. My higher education has not just prepared me to review shows no one is watching, but also inspired a new series for us called, YOU ARE NOT THE WORST PARENT!
Parents often scrutinize the actions of other parents. It’s one of our greatest joys. (Doing it from the safety and comfort of our couches is our other great joy.) Reality TV serves both of these purposes. YOU ARE NOT THE WORST PARENT aims to arm parents with the confidence and cockiness to prove they are in fact, not the worst parents when stacked up against some of the gems I’ve mined from the reality TV orifices. These aren’t your Dr. Rainbow Johnsons or Elyse Keatons, or even your Peg Bundys. These are some of the most guilt-free, judgement-worthy parents out there.
This series kicks off with Lifetime Television for Women’s spectacular reality TV show, Born in the Wild.
That’s right, Born in the Wild follows pregnant people who choose to deliver their babies in the wild. We’re not talking premature births or trauma-induced deliveries where women have no choice but to deliver in a ravine while a tornado rages above them. These innocent babes belong to parents who make the conscious decision to forego modern medicine, technology, and walls to welcome their babies OUTSIDE. Because everyone knows a newborn’s first breath should be tinged with silica and pine needles!
My mother made the hasty and rash decision to birth me indoors (may god forgive her), which probably inspired my own irresponsible decision to jot TRAINED MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS, DRUGS, and ROOM SERVICE on my birth plan. But wow— I missed out!
Here’s what I imagine the pitch was for this show:
Producer: So, it’s like Naked and Afraid except only the naked part. And lots of screaming. And hormones! Naked and Hormonal!
Lifetime TV Exec: Sign us up for three seasons!”
Born in the Wild is not talking about incorporating some elements of the great outdoors into your delivery experience like filling your birthing suite with the gentle gurgle of a babbling brook played from a Sharper Image sound machine, or burning a citronella candle or— I don’t know— keeping the window shades open. The only outside I brought into the hospital was whatever was on the soles of my flip flops, but what do I know? When casting opens for a show called Epidural: Gimme All Your Lovin’ I’ve got my headshot all queued up.
The episode I watched chronicled Utah-based Linda and Lance, “a typical American couple” as per the Lifetime TV junior script writing team. Yeah, no. Typical Americans recognize the benefits of living in a first world country and will take advantage of everything their health insurance covers.
Linda eases us into the idea of her birth plan by calling it a “new adventure.” She and Lance have two kids which makes this all the more alarming. They already know how this shit goes down! Has anyone’s childbirth been so smooth and easy they’re left thinking, Boringgggggggg! Next time I’m gonna save on co-pays, put on my moisture wicking panties, a let this life inside of me unleash it’s first cry next to the ol’ Coleman stove!? Even if you did have two easy births, there’s a litany of things that could still go wrong. Skyrocketing blood pressure, cords around necks, amnio fluid goes dry, infections, ruptures, pushing so hard you drop a deuce in front of your partner. You’re going to ruin your sleeping bag, Linda! Those stains will never come out!
Linda was 39 weeks pregnant and had a “fast birth” history, which I can only surmise means her fetuses overhear her musing about some crazy idea to birth them on a picnic table at an interstate rest stop and they rush to get the F out of her body before she can pack a cooler. Lance shows a modicum of sense when he expresses concern about the wind!
LANCE, my boy! The wind??? Is “wind” code for “finding a solid divorce attorney” or “raising 3 kids as a single dad?”
Apparently it can get pretty blowy up in the mountains of Utah so Linda does what any sane, mom-to-be does when the man who knocked her up makes a semi-valid point about the perils of birthing their child in the Utah wilds does. She sends his ass to the camping store.
“Wow,” says the clerk. “Looks like you have a big trip coming up.”
“Nope. Just having a baby in the wild.”
“Well, that’s unique!”
With the trunk packed and their two kids shipped off to a family member hopefully forever, Linda and Lance search for the perfect spot for their birth site. They’ll camp there until the baby comes. Don’t worry— they won’t be totally alone for the birth— that would be crazy—they have a midwife. But how to direct the midwife to the camping/birthing site? There aren’t exactly street signs or obvious landmarks in the foothills.
Look for the red rock next to the rattle snake. If you get lost, ask the friendly skink who owns the hardware store. Might as well pick up some extra tarps while you’re there.
After a night of weird animal noises (and Linda wasn’t even in labor yet!) a fear of peeing in the dark, and a black-widow-in-the-tent scare, morning finally arrives. Lance makes a refreshing protein shake while Linda talks about how “kind of miserable” she is because camping isn’t that much fun after all. How can that be, Linda? You’ve got your air mattress and barrels of water and portable toilet! There’s even a rocking chair! If you’re “kind of miserable” for the just sitting around part, imagine how “kind of more miserable” you’ll be when you’re 9 cm dilated, ass-up in the moonlight, biting down on the roots of a Ponderosa Pine.
Linda chastises Lance for picking such a terrible spot and setting up such a shoddy camp. It just won’t do! She goes home to take a bath and wait “until the baby comes.”
While Lance is sweating it outdoors, Linda’s bath gets cut short when—wait for it—she goes into labor! The scenes cut from a miserable, grunting, slithering-on-the-bathroom-floor-like-a-slug Linda to an equally miserable Lance trying to turn canvas, air, and propane into a soothing, relaxing day-spa-like environment.
Linda’s “fast birth” history seems to be repeating itself. Lance rushes to put the finishing touches on the birth site so he can return to civilization, pick up his laboring wife, drive straight past the hospital, and bring her back to the wilds.
Lance shoves Linda in the backseat of their minivan where she verbally berates him the whole drive to the mountains. He’s driving too slow, too fast, too many bumps. Where is the midwife? It hurts! It’s dark! Is he lost? He is. He has no idea how to get back to his shoddy, subpar scouted birth site. He makes the mistake of asking after Linda’s contractions. THEY ARE BIRTH WAVES, LANCE!
Naturally (get it?) they make it back to camp in time, but the midwife is lost! How can THAT be? Hey, Midwife! That ain’t the Northern Lights over there. It’s a freakin’ camera crew in the middle of a desert! Go into the light, Carol Anne!
Linda is doubled over in the tent, groaning like an old hyena. Lance is desperate to get the midwife on the phone. Linda is visualizing a protective shield. She feels anesthesia coursing through her body! Finally the midwife arrives!
After some forced drama, a pale, slimy humanoid slips out of Linda’s lady parts. It looks like a prop, but no, it’s a real baby! Another girl! The midwife wraps the baby in a JC Penney bath towel and hands her to Child Protective Services her mother.
Achievement unlocked! Linda had her baby outside! Now what? It’s the middle of the night in the Utah mountains. Umm, I guess we all go home now?
Lance has a major character arc. He’s happy–no, giddy– because his wife convinced him to have this baby IN THE WILD. He didn’t know they were getting paid for this gig. Linda remains quite smug (no character arc for her.) The only one who appears shaken is the midwife. She has no idea how to get home.
NOW I ASK YOU, PARENTS!
Are you suffering from guilt, inferiority, or self-doubt?
Do you think sometimes you suck at this whole raising children thing?
Have you ever willingly given or participated in a human’s birth IN THE WILD?
If you answered no to the last question, it doesn’t matter what you answered on the first two. Congratulations! You are not the worst parent! How amazing does that feel?
Keep up the good work and keep the pine needles out of the crib.
And speaking of bad parents, my son’s birthday is this week!
Just got a new 18-month calendar and haven’t had time to FILL IN THE IMPORTANT DATES YET and someone who lacks even a morsel of patience took note.
Umm, okay, child. The amount of packages taking up space in our garage right now would imply otherwise, but I’m inclined to agree about the “best kid” part.
Until next time.
XO!
Shelly
🤣 I naively thought I would have a natural birth (in a hospital, though) and holy shit did that go off the rails fast. I would have died at home/forest.
Yikes. I was getting nervous just reading about the delivery. That crazy Hollywood. What will they think of next? I guess they’ll raise their kids in the wild too. Maybe let the forest animals raise them?