Books for Men Married to Menopausal Women
Judgey McJudgerson judging books by their covers
My perimenopausal friend found her husband’s secret reading stash and let me tell you, it’s bananas! She could NOT BELIEVE what the man she’s been married to for eighteen years was getting up too right under their own roof. With kids in the house!
She texted asking if I wanted to see it.
ME: Umm…if I look will the cops come? I don’t want to lose my job or have my kid taken away. Literally just paid for his summer basketball league.
HER: HE should lose his job and have HIS kid taken away— by me! I’m so offended!
ME: Okay, I’ll look!
Ugh! It was worse than I imagined and of course I’m going to share it with you!
Are you ready?
Maybe get the kids out of the room.
And slap the privacy screen on your laptop. (Especially if you’re at work.)
You guys, he was reading THIS!
PURE SMUT! Why are men so gross!?
Pure SECRET Smut!
It’s not just the information he sought. It’s the dark-web-adjacent way he went about his quest. She found this book tucked away under his bathroom sink! Not a nudie mag in sight!
This makes me sad. And angry. And also laugh until I pee (1.3 seconds.) And also want to beat the trunk of a holly tree with my son’s Croc while howling at the new moon. Do your little books explain that, guys??? Because that is also menopause!
Cleary men who love menopausal women are in trouble. This is a cry for help. These guys are confused, grieving, and ill-equipped to deal with a strange biological phenomenon that’s been plaguing womenkind for as long as there has been womenkind. That’s like what? 60, 70 years?
They are turning to 95-page paperbacks, procured with burner credit cards and delivered to their homes in nondescript packaging, and tucked away in hidey-holes behind bottles of Pepcid AC and nose hair trimmers to be read in secret during their morning poo.
Yes, I actually feel bad! I’m not a total monster!
Hot, Sweaty Rabbit Holes
After my friend’s text, I dove headfirst into a hot, sweaty rabbit hole1 and discovered a clandestine world of manuals and primers all aimed at educating the male masses about our mysterious, incorrigible lady bodies! There are tons of these books out there which tells me:
A. There is a market for this
B. I should write one of these books
C. Men might be more informed about menopause than women are
If men want to read books about menopause, great! I am here for it. In fact, I’m so here for it, I’m starting the Middle-Aged Lady Mom Menopause for Men Book Club. This is by no means a knock of these wonderful authors or their fine bodies of work. I couldn’t possibly do that because we’re not going to read a single page. In the MALMMfMBC, we judge books by their covers.
Let’s get judgey.
Menopause for Men: The Only Guide You Need to Support and Survive Menopause with Your Partner
First, the most obvious thing here is this woman is not anywhere near menopausal. Probably not even peri. She has a waist, is wearing hard pants, and can cross her legs. Also she has full, luscious hair. And enormous boobs which appear to be hoisted quite high, which makes me think she’s not wearing a stretched out, pilling bralette from Ross for the eleventh day in a row, but rather something with proper support like an underwire and hell no, WE DON’T DO THAT ANYMORE, DO WE LADIES?
Now, what’s she doing with her fingers? At first I thought maybe she was covering her ears because she can’t stand the sound of her husband’s breathing or how loudly he turns the pages of his stupid book or maybe he asked her for the 729th time if they have any plans this weekend and she's resisting the urge to take the family calendar off the fridge and shove it right through his Dockers and up his ass. But her fingers are actually on her temples so obviously she’s trying really hard to remember why she came into this room and sat on the couch.
I do think the reduction of a menopausal woman to a pile of knock-off emojis is right on brand, but why is the woman on fire AND “hot flash” is written twice in two different fonts? WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!
Here’s a survival tip: Get a bigger couch because if she sees him side-eying her like that, she’s going to rip his face off and feed it to the cat.
Where Is My Wife and What Have You Done with Her?: A Spouse's Guide to Her Menopause
Jesus MOFO christ, where do we begin? Menopause isn’t a pod person! It hasn’t TAKEN her anywhere. YOUR WIFE IS RIGHT THERE. Why don’t you get off your knees and go find a nice cool washcloth so she can use it to smack you across the face? This is who your wife is now! A hot, moody, thinning-haired, silhouetted goddess.
How about you take some ownership here, my guy? Maybe she’s walking away because you’re a guy who wears VERY THICK-SOLED flip-flops, kneels on the ground, and makes questionable hand signals. Stop that immediately!
It’s not menopause, bruh. It’s you.
Men… Let’s Talk Menopause: What’s going on and what you can do about it
Oh you little bags of dicks. The dry, spikey cactus nubbin is supposed to be me, isn’t it? Fine. I have never felt so seen. And I suppose I should feel sadness for the little men, reduced to transparent outlines of their once virile, fully-dimensional selves, because moody, hangry, discombobulated womenfolk yell at them for putting a dirty spoon in a dishwasher full of clean dishes? Well, I don’t!
I ain’t leaving! the little dudes are saying. I’m gonna sit right here next to my prickly little princess until she comes back to me. Even if she asked me seventy-four times today to just give her some space!
Heroes. All of them. Also handless. Why is that?
The cool thing about being a potted plant is that we can keep ourselves hydrated with all the sweat that pools in our cleavage overnight.
Let’s dig in a little more.
The back of book copy says: A comprehensive guide to the female menopause…
Female menopause?
Good. Got it. Thank you for clarifying which menopause.
It addresses all the important aspects of the menopause…
THE menopause? Friends, I regret to inform you, I have been afflicted by THE MENOPAUSE.
…including the physical, psychological, genito-urinary…
Hold the whaaaaa— this must be the “updated” content promised on the cover because no one has warned me about any genito-urinary aspects. Hang on…googling…
Oh PHEW! It’s just vaginas and pee pee. Probably more polite than saying, “the leaky, old sarcophagus in her pants.”
It gives essential information on options available to cope with those symptoms, plus good advice for men (and women!)
Oooooh, and woman! Why do you need to involve us little, ol’ parenthetical afterthoughts in your survival rituals? Nah, we’re good. You keep focusing on the men.
I do like the color scheme on this cover though. Might get a copy for my coffee table.
MenOnPause: A Man's Guide to Understanding Menopause
If you are not a MAN, step aside! This book ain’t for you. This is a MAN’S guide to understanding the menopause. A MAN.
I’m not sure why the men are on pause, or really get to be on pause. It sounds kind of nice. Hopefully they use this time to cultivate a new hobby like:
Actually fixing things around the house instead of talking about the things you are going to fix around the house
Find that calendar app on your phone, look at it, and see if you can find the answer yourself instead of asking your significant other what you are doing Saturday afternoon
Make a meal and clean up after it. Full service, guys!
Those Are Good, but Have You Read These?
If you are man who loves a menopausal woman and you’re too scared to talk to her about what in the holy balls is going on in her body and mind, I feel for you. Really. You’ve some great options above, but I am now inspired, so get ready to smash that preorder button because I want in on this soon-to-be oversaturated market. Just need to stay awake long enough to write these:
The Adventures of Duck and Cover: Just Two Dudes Trying to Survive Menopause
Hey Guys, Stop Asking for Ways YOU Can Survive Menopause!
Just Do as I Say and No One Gets Hurt! Wait. What Was I Going to Say?
Can We Not Make a Big Deal Out of This? But Also Make a Big Deal Out of This?
XO,
Shelly
Introducing Curious Figures
Did you hear the news? Bart Carroll, patient husband, doting father, and just a guy trying to survive his wife’s menopause, has taken to Substack! That’s right— my very own baby daddy has his own newsletter and it’s not about my wretched, unhinged actions. (Well, at this one isn’t.)
If you are into nerdery, action figures, really great writing advice in a very clever package, game design, literature, and mythology check out Curious Figures. Please show him a very warm welcome and NEVER anything I write about him.
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Seriously considering a rebrand here because writing Hot, Sweaty Rabbit Holes was about as much fun as I ever had.
This was almost impossible to read due to the number of times I had to take off my glasses and wipe my face of snot. SNOT, Shelly! I was crying so hard from laughing, I had snot.
I'm also flabbergasted because my massage therapist told me this week that he's reading a book on menopause. And I said, "Wow, you're a good husband." And then he proceeded to list off three more titles about menopause that are in his TBR pile. 😱 Did Oprah do this? Is this a thing now?
I want to know if the woman fanning herself on the first book cover is intentionally fanning herself with vulvas??? Was that on purpose? A way to get men to read it by making it look every so subtly sexy?
ALSO: no one needs to buy these books anymore. Haven't you heard that the amazing, incredible US government is planning to start a new "menstrual education" program?? I'm sure that will include comprehensive information on reproduction across the lifecycle for women and men.
Oh wait. Menopause means no more babies, which means no more societal use for women. So...scratch that.