B*tches, MILFs, and Divorce
It's my one-year anniversary on Substack!
This newsletter is one-year-old and I still can’t believe how much fun I’m having! I’ve learned so much like how to make cool, totally out of proportion graphics (see above) and that my core audience is people who love swearing, marital strife, and hot moms. I literally couldn’t love you more if I tried.
To celebrate this milestone, let’s recap our year together.
MALM Notables:
First Post:
When Do Kids Start Remembering Things was the first thing I posted. I found a picture of me dumping a bottle of rum into a vat of Kool-Aid while my baby boy looked on and I thought, Wow! I’m so inspired! Let’s start a newsletter about parenting!
Most Popular Post:
If we’re going by views alone, the most popular post was Bravo, Bravo, F*cking Bravo! about my incredible weekend at Bravo Con with my friend, Kristina. She later posted it on a bunch of Bravo fan sites which netted not just a lot of views, but a influx of young, single, doe-eyed subscribers who dumped me two weeks later after realizing I only write about kids pooping up my bathroom during playdates and night sweats.
Most Popular Posts Not Shared to Bravo Fan Sites:
Anything with MILF, Bitch, or Divorce in the title drives a lot of engagement. The post about how hanging Christmas lights makes Bart and I see each other in a less flattering light, had one of the highest open rates. Yes, that means, you saw DIVORCE and MIDDLE-AGED LADY MOM in the same email and were probably thinking, He did it! That harpy’s being put to pasture at last!
The Face is here to say, “Sorrrrrrrrrrrrr-reeeeeee! This Harpy will not be fenced in!!!!”
And boy, you heathens sure love that hot MILF action! First, it was the Moms I’d Like to Friend variety and then it was the more authentic kind of MILFs. Speaking of, I have never seen my new MILF neighbor again! I started to think she was conjured during a fever dream or something until another neighbor told me she saw her. (And yes, she confirmed I was not exaggerating.)
My Favorite Post:
What Does it Feel Like to be a Middle-Aged Lady? was almost as popular as the MILF posts, which is great because it’s kind of my brand. I liked writing this post so much, there’s a part 2 coming up: How do you Talk to a Middle-Aged Lady?
Post Most Likely to be Subtlety Brought Up at a 5th Grade Graduation Ceremony:
I’ve spent a lot of time with the school principal this year (stories for another time) and one of our conversations led to my newsletter. Did I listen to the voice in my head shouting, For the love of god, woman, DO NOT send her a link! She will call the authorities! She will hold this against your child! She won’t let you run the D&D club anymore! No, I did not. I promptly sent her links to I Chaperoned a School Trip and The Camp for Sad Moms because those were both about school activities.
GET THIS: During her speech at my son’s 5th grade graduation ceremony, she referenced “reading some stuff” about how parents act when their kids go off to camp for four days with zero communication from the school. Apparently she thought we were all partying like the Below Deck crew on a non-charter day and turning our kid’s bedrooms into home gyms. This newsletter is entertaining and educational! I schooled a principal!
What You Almost Were Reading for the Past Year
This newsletter was first called Shelly Mazzanoble Has Issues. I thought I’d post something short (never in my life) and then a list of assorted topics like this hummus recipe. But the name lost its luster and my brother said that recipe was the grossest thing he ever saw, (I stand by it) so I rebranded.
Email Most Likely to Elicit Fist-Bumping
I get an email notifying me every time someone subscribes and let me tell you, no matter what else is going on in my world, I smile, yell, WELCOME NEW SUBSCRIBER, and fist-bump myself. Super awkward when those emails arrive during a work meeting.
That new sub feeling!
MALM by the Numbers:
I technically started this newsletter in March of 2023, but didn’t post anything until June 22. Not sure what I was doing for three months.
My first newsletter went out to 36 recipients. With subscribers and followers, it’s now close to 1K!
My first subscriber was me, then me again (different email), followed by Bart who later unsubscribed “by accident” and will never make that mistake again. Bart was followed by my brother and my dad, both of whom I made sign up so I could test things out on them before sending something to “real” people.
The first person to subscribe without being asked to was my friend Roxy. Thank you, Roxy!
The first paid subscribers were my friends Sydney and Dan. They both upped their subs on the same day, but I don’t know who was first and therefore we’ll never know for sure which of them I love just a little bit more than the other. (KIDDING! We all know. KIDDING AGAIN!)
I changed the name to Middle-Aged Lady Mom in September of 2023. Sometimes I do listen to the voice in my head. This time it said, Yes, you do have issues. But more than that, you are a middle-aged lady mom. Embrace yourself. It’s not as gross when it’s your own sweat. No more fist bumps please.
I have written 61 posts (including this one!) I messed around with the cadence thinking weekly was good until my brother said that was too much, then did bi-weekly for a short spell, before returning to weekly. I don’t know why I’m so susceptible to my brother’s opinion. This is the same guy who ruined my 10th birthday!
My dad 100% does not read my newsletter.
What are People Saying About MALM?
My favorite adjectives have been “unhinged,” “salty,” and “full of rage.” (Although that last one is from my husband and not at all about this newsletter.
One time a commenter told me to stop projecting all that sweet maternal nurturing coursing through my womanly veins on dogs and start having human babies instead.
Okay, umm, bruh? Is it okay for me to call you bruh? This newsletter is called Middle-Aged Lady MOM. Literally everything you need to know. Dog nurturing commences.
I almost had second thoughts about posting My Husband Married a Monster because I was afraid it made me sound too terrible. Like not regular terrible. TERRIBLE terrible. Was it a bridge too far? I’m telling you— the best comments came from this post thanks to so many women confessing their husbands also married monsters! Bring it in, my sweaty, sweary, monster sisters. I have never felt so seen.
What is Next for MALM?
If you have enjoyed this newsletter thus far, you’re in luck because if the incoherent babble on my Notes app is any indication it’s looking like more of the same.
I am going to figure out how to give paid subscribers more bang for their hard-earned bucks. Promise!
I may also figure out something cool to do with the chat feature. Would you like to chat? Should we?
What to Get the Middle-Aged Lady Mom Who Has Everything?
Awwww, you don’t have to! But since you asked—how about continuing to welcome me into your inboxes and reading and commenting and sharing this newsletter.
Here at MALM, we celebrate anniversaries by giving you fine readers something. That’s right. To celebrate MALM’s 1 year anniversary, I’m giving you a sneak peak at my upcoming book releasing this November! (At least I think I am. Remember I said I won’t techie?)
Hopefully this link will take you there.
I truly appreciate each and every one of you. I know you’re out there (Substack’s backend reporting tells me so) and I thank you for a great year!
XO,
Shelly
AND BREAKING NEWS FROM MY DAD! I stand corrected! Just got this email from him:
"I read every one of your writings. I just don’t critique them like your brother does. However we do discuss them."
Congrats Shelly!