I Have Reached a New Level of Middle-Age and it's Scary AF!
I guess I'm a Disney witch now.
My dad was visiting for a month and stayed in a delightful Air B&B. There was a skylight in the guest bathroom which brightened up the whole room despite most of it being covered in seagull poop.
I was literally seeing myself in a new light and friends…it wasn’t good.
Remember that time I stuck my face in a box and saw what looked like an excavation experiment on the surface of Mars?
This was so much worse.
Remember when I accidentally saw my face reflected in a window after twenty-three years of not looking at it and realized I was old?
So, so much worse.
I’m talking peak level post-mid-life achievement unlocked. But imagine less of a smooth-glide-keyless-entry-smart-lock and more like the lid of a 1,300-year-old sarcophagus being pushed open by a baby salamander.
First, I have a lot of freckles. Like a lot. Initially I thought the seagull poop was casting weird shadows all over my body, but nope. That was my skin. The same skin I covered in Hawaiian Tropics suntan accelerator and set out to bake poolside in the Florida sun. And some freckles were so big they’re taking over smaller freckles and creating FRECKLE SUPER COLONIES.
Second, I thought I was staying on top of the eyebrow plucking, but I may have missed a few days. There were so many rogue hairs. I had a new eyebrow growing beneath each existing eyebrow! One time in my twenties I got a little overzealous with the tweezers and inadvertently gave myself a “Vanilla Ice.” I now have so much extra brow hair I’m able to pull strands from the lower brow to comb over the gapping hole in the upper brow, and if that’s not being one resourceful bitch, I don’t know what is.
But the worst? The thing that has shattered whatever confidence and dignity I had left? The incident my best friend begged me not to write about because she feared it was, “too sad to be funny”?
It is truly the worst.
But I’m gonna tell you because that’s who I am. Your guardian aging angel who goes boldly where no man should ever know women go.
I found a gray hair.
In my mustache.
Let 👏 that 👏 sink 👏 in.
I said, I found a gray hair IN MY MOTHER-EFFING MUSTACHE!
I HAVE a mustache!
And it’s going GRAY!
Now, guys, I know what you’re thinking and you are correct— this is some sexy shit we’re talking about, but you need to STAND DOWN. I am a happily married woman so just go ahead and slide right on out of my DMs. This face lace don’t stray!
Oh Shelly! Your friend was right! This is much too sad to be funny! And gross!
You might be correct. And yet…here we are.
You probably have questions.
Did you know you had a mustache???
No, I did not.
Did you try to grow a mustache???
No, I did not.
Were you surprised to see your mustache?
Of course.
If your dad didn’t rent a house with way better lighting than you have in your own bathroom do you think you would still have a graying mustache?
Undoubtedly.
Do you not have people in your life to point these things out to you???
I guess not.
Didn’t you used to take care of yourself? Like get your brows and…let’s be honest…upper lip waxed on a regular basis?
Yes, I did. Sometimes my waxer would throw my chin and “tip of my nose” in for free because I was such a good customer.
Jesus god…
You asked the question, babe.
Will you maybe start looking in mirrors now.
God no! You think I want to feel like this on a regular basis???
Have you heard of this?
I’m going to go ahead and ask you to fuck right the fuck off.
Saving Face
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. There it was, glimmering in the diffused-by-bird-poop sunlight like an opal in the sand. Could it be a fragment of the cream cheese bagel I ate for breakfast? A spittle of dried drool from a good night of sleep? Maybe a tiny pus pocket errupting from an awakened skin abscess?
Yes, a pus pocket would have been so much better.
I had no choice. I turned on the light and got real close. That was one freakishly long hair. Hard to believe I missed this gray goddess when she was standing among so many BLACK hairs.
How long had they been there? I looked like an eighth grade boy!
Brace Yourself. There’s More.
Did you know a multitude of factors related to aging can cause your teeth to shift? I know this because my stupid teeth are shifting! One day I had perfectly meh teeth and the next, the bottom row look like they’re squeezing through the doors of Walmart on Black Friday. My dentist suggested braces.
BRACES!
She sent me home with a pamphlet!
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The Legend of Ol’ Graybeard
After the discovery of my own Grey Garden, I returned to the comfort of my dark zone cave abode and told Bart what happened.
“Just be honest,” I said to him. “Did you see it? Did you know your wife had a mustache?”
“Nope,” he said. “Didn’t see anything!”
While he was off retching in the bathroom, my son asked what I did to make dad so ill.
“I found a gray hair in my mustache.”
“YOU HAVE A MUSTACHE? Before me?”
“Oh honey,” I said. “I’ve had a mustache long before you were even a you!”
He was at once maliciously amused like a tween boy, but also totally grossed out like his father.
“LET ME SEE YOUR MUSTACHE!”
“Absolutely not!” I shouted, grateful I still had a few inches on him. I ran away in search of those old N95 masks we were too paranoid to throw away.
I heard him laughing in the distance. “Dad! Mom has a mustache! And she needs braces! And she smells! Mom’s a boy!”
Cool. Thanks, kid. Why don’t you get on your Discord chat and tell all your friends your mom is a boy. What a wonderful discovery for a tween child. Also, I smell? Can I trust no one???
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You can take the gray hair out of your face, but your can’t take your face after seeing it with gray hair. - Ancient proverb
The gray hair is gone. The ‘stache will be taken care of on Thursday. But the lingering affects of both remain. I guess I’m a Disney witch now.
I SAID DISNEY WITCH!
Oh! My bad!
Face Your Fears. Or Not.
I hope you do not find this tale too sad to be funny, but rather let it inspire you to look at your own faces. Every two weeks minimum! You should not be the last to know when your face looks like an aging Golden Retriever’s muzzle. Run towards the light like that little girl from Poltergeist1!
Mirrors are the original frenemy, but at least they call you ugly to your face2.
XO,
Shelly
FUNNY STORY!
DO NOT and I mean DO NOT miss the next episode of Funny Story with
and I! We each share a funny story to delight each other and ALL OF YOU with. I’m talking sweary parrots, Manhattan rat tours, a sus-on-the-bus teddy bear, and a teacher who got drunk while teaching a lesson about drugs and alcohol. That’s so meta! We are out here doing the lord’s work.Join us for our next episode LIVE Tuesday, July 29th at 12pm PST/3pm EST. And watch our last replay here.
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Actually, that’s a terrible idea because that’s where the malevolent spirits were hiding! LIKE A MIRROR!
Ok, it was one gray hair in a mustache! I don’t think I’m ugly. I mean, I don’t think I’m burning up the runways anytime soon, but I’ve got a few years left before ultimate hagdom sets in. Right?
Same on the teeth and random hairs. And braces? At 50??? That’s a fuuuuck no for me. I’d sooner get dentures like my grandparents.
Oh my goodness, I’m dying!!🤣 Will definitely be sharing this with all my friends!!😂