First of all, I am obsessed with the idea of having eyebrows like shark teeth. Just like rows of eyebrows. And, like shark teeth, they serve a warning which is "BACK THE FUCK OFF!"
Second, I think you should lean into the mustache. Channel Tom Selleck's Richard character from Friends. That mustache was hot AF. Why can't women have mustaches too? Isn't that what feminism is for??? If anyone can lead women into the next phase of equality with men through championing novel facial hair configurations, it's you, Shelly.
Wow. So much good stuff here. First, shark teeth brows is an amazing analogy! Why should we stop at just 2! Second, I like knowing how much younger you are than me due to the use of your Tom Selleck = Friends and not Magnum P.I. Finally, you are goddamn right women should have the right to wear a stache proudly! But I’m unsure what the benefits are. Is it merely for adornment? One thing I do like is that when it grows out even longer it will cover the “cat-butt” lines around my lips.
So true on the better lighting! Better for WHO!? I do not have to use readers YET and I'm kind of bummed because I already have so many cute pairs waiting in the wings.
Hahahhah, yes, I guess we need to be careful what we wishful when asking for “youthful skin!” Zits and wispy mustaches ain’t it! My mom isn’t in my mirror quite yet but I do have her arm skin and hands. It’s oddly comforting. Also you look damn good at 61!
Yeah, I’m a “never say never” kind of girl. You might see me coming out of a medi-spa one day with a smooth as glass forehead. Or you might never see me because I’ll be holed up in my dank-ass, dark-as-night cave where at least it will be cool enough to sleep!
Oh, what a ride! I'm sorry you went through this. But also kind of glad it happened because I enjoyed this post immensely. I have my own woeful recent facial issues. From about ages 13 to 35, I struggled with acne. I thought it had finally gone away, and was enjoying a solid decade of clear skin, but then--about a month ago--I got the biggest pimple! Just below my right eye! I could see the thing every time I glanced down! Taunting me! I, too, feel like a tween boy again.
Yes, I am glad it happened as well to serve as a cautionary tale! I’m sorry about that giant eye pimple! The way it just loomed over/under you like a schoolyard bully demanding your lunch! Hopefully that was a one-off, but if not you can get those cool star stickers all the cool kids now stick on their pimples to make them really stand out. Gotta admire the way these youngsters have totally flipped that narrative.
No chin hairs yet? You lucky thing! And those suckers grow about an inch a minute, it's uncanny. I began getting my face waxed a couple of months ago. Literally. My beautician suggested it in a hesitant err-darling sort of voice. Well I've been on all kinds of meds for all kinds of ailments for a few years and I guess they are like manure for the face. So now I get waxed once in a while. It doesn't even hurt much after the first time (haha!). And makes my skin feel soooo soft and smooth afterwards, and no pesky itch or stubble when it grows back, I promise. I also tweezed my eyebrows way too much back in the day. I had them microbladed years ago, and they need a retouch, but I've been putting it off as I hated the Frida Kahlo look of Day 2, but once over that they were great. Then again, aren't we supposed to be beyond all this? Aren't we supposed to be free and easy and we do not care? I'm trying. And yet... Hugs, Francesca xx
"manure for the face!" 🤣 I'm just glad we have options to deal with this! I'm also Lebanese and Italian so my whole genetic make-up is manure for the face! And legs. And... well, everywhere else. I had laser hair removal YEARS ago and it was the best thing ever. I'd be in really deep trouble now if I hadn't! And I do get chin hairs! Not a gray one yet.
Hilarious, the pic at the end ! 😂😂 I’m the same as you ! I don’t look close anymore , and in any case at 55 my eyesight is so bad I need a magnifying mirror, which I do have ! I try to keep up with my eyebrow and upper lip threading , but sometimes I just can’t do the pain. 😂
You are hilarious! I feel all of this! The teeth!!! My son and I were just sitting in our eye doctor's waiting room and he's like, "What's going on with your bottom teeth?" And I think it's just a rogue poppy seed - nope, I've gone full bulldog. The crowding, the jutting out for no reason!?! I was like, "Let me first get through my glaucoma test, then I'll contact an orthodontist..." So glad we can laugh about these things together!
Hahhahahha OMG can we be Brace Face Best Friends??? Can we make braces cool for middle-aged women??? I had the same reaction to my teeth. How does this stuff happen so quickly? Long-ass gray hair coming out of my face and crooked teeth seemingly overnight? It ain't right!
It definitely ain't right! A few years ago, a dentist kept recommending Invisalign and I was like, "What a con artist?! What kind of chump do I look like?!" Apparently, a chump with crooked teeth! It would be an honor to be your Brace Face Best Friend!!
Omg excuse me I’m off to make a threading appointment and yell at the guy who told me 4 pot lights would be sufficient in my teensy bathroom. IT IS NOT SUFFICIENT.
So SO funny. Also I’m sorry. I recently discovered waxing for my own stache and beard, and it hurts like hell but it works. Now if only I could figure out this rosacea on my nose. Maybe I’ll just try drinking enough to make it legit.
I'm fresh from the waxer and baby it feels good!!! 😂 Perhaps you could cultivate some nose hairs to cover the rosacea? I imagine the lip to nose combover might be a tad uncomfortable.
If it weren’t a conflict of interest, I’d bring this piece to next week’s Funny Story. One of the many things that I loved about it is the fact that the hair in question was freakishly long compared to its lipmates. I’ve had that happen on my arm several times, where all of a sudden there’s a six-inch long hair sticking out and I have to believe that it just sprouted out like that fully formed, otherwise HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED IT ALL THAT TIME?
Hold on. Teeth shift? Like tectonic plates? Like, we’re subject to mouthquakes? I’m going to work really hard to will that out of my memory bank.
“…like the lid of a 1,300-year-old sarcophagus being pushed open by a baby salamander.” IMO, the gray mustache hair was worth it for that sentence alone.
Same on the teeth and random hairs. And braces? At 50??? That’s a fuuuuck no for me. I’d sooner get dentures like my grandparents.
Or those giant veneers like all the Real Housewives! Err, maybe I'd rather have the braces.
Oh my goodness, I’m dying!!🤣 Will definitely be sharing this with all my friends!!😂
Thank you, Monica! Got to normalize this aging sh*t!
First of all, I am obsessed with the idea of having eyebrows like shark teeth. Just like rows of eyebrows. And, like shark teeth, they serve a warning which is "BACK THE FUCK OFF!"
Second, I think you should lean into the mustache. Channel Tom Selleck's Richard character from Friends. That mustache was hot AF. Why can't women have mustaches too? Isn't that what feminism is for??? If anyone can lead women into the next phase of equality with men through championing novel facial hair configurations, it's you, Shelly.
Wow. So much good stuff here. First, shark teeth brows is an amazing analogy! Why should we stop at just 2! Second, I like knowing how much younger you are than me due to the use of your Tom Selleck = Friends and not Magnum P.I. Finally, you are goddamn right women should have the right to wear a stache proudly! But I’m unsure what the benefits are. Is it merely for adornment? One thing I do like is that when it grows out even longer it will cover the “cat-butt” lines around my lips.
I heard him laughing in the distance. “Dad! Mom has a mustache! And she needs braces! And she smells! Mom’s a boy!”
This made me laugh.
Sometimes better lighting is definitely NOT better lighting.
Did you need to pull out your readers to examine your face like I do?
Time to join the We-Do-Not-Care club.
So true on the better lighting! Better for WHO!? I do not have to use readers YET and I'm kind of bummed because I already have so many cute pairs waiting in the wings.
This is boldly hilarious and something I just admire so about you! <3
I HAVE PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF! But that really was too sad to be funny. Thank you, Bethany!
😂😂😂
😅👌 I have two gray eyebrow hairs and a beard I have to nair off lol 🤢, the body horror of peri/meno is real.
At least you have symmetry? OMG Nair! The smell is burned in my brain forever. They make Lady Beard remover?
They do, I actually use a face one not made by Nair I just call it by the brand name still 😅.
Some days now, when I look in the mirror, my mom's in there. I know she's in Florida, but all of a sudden SHE'S IN MY MIRROR. How does she do that????
Oh, and at 61, I'm starting to break out like I'm 14 again. Not what I had in mind when I wanted more youthful skin.
Hahahhah, yes, I guess we need to be careful what we wishful when asking for “youthful skin!” Zits and wispy mustaches ain’t it! My mom isn’t in my mirror quite yet but I do have her arm skin and hands. It’s oddly comforting. Also you look damn good at 61!
My mom looks damn good at 89! There's hope!
I see myself and say no this has to be the lighting. I don't look like this. It's frustrating and it won't stop. At 56. I see changes every day.
No botox or anything here. Although it's tempting
Yeah, I’m a “never say never” kind of girl. You might see me coming out of a medi-spa one day with a smooth as glass forehead. Or you might never see me because I’ll be holed up in my dank-ass, dark-as-night cave where at least it will be cool enough to sleep!
Oh, what a ride! I'm sorry you went through this. But also kind of glad it happened because I enjoyed this post immensely. I have my own woeful recent facial issues. From about ages 13 to 35, I struggled with acne. I thought it had finally gone away, and was enjoying a solid decade of clear skin, but then--about a month ago--I got the biggest pimple! Just below my right eye! I could see the thing every time I glanced down! Taunting me! I, too, feel like a tween boy again.
Yes, I am glad it happened as well to serve as a cautionary tale! I’m sorry about that giant eye pimple! The way it just loomed over/under you like a schoolyard bully demanding your lunch! Hopefully that was a one-off, but if not you can get those cool star stickers all the cool kids now stick on their pimples to make them really stand out. Gotta admire the way these youngsters have totally flipped that narrative.
No chin hairs yet? You lucky thing! And those suckers grow about an inch a minute, it's uncanny. I began getting my face waxed a couple of months ago. Literally. My beautician suggested it in a hesitant err-darling sort of voice. Well I've been on all kinds of meds for all kinds of ailments for a few years and I guess they are like manure for the face. So now I get waxed once in a while. It doesn't even hurt much after the first time (haha!). And makes my skin feel soooo soft and smooth afterwards, and no pesky itch or stubble when it grows back, I promise. I also tweezed my eyebrows way too much back in the day. I had them microbladed years ago, and they need a retouch, but I've been putting it off as I hated the Frida Kahlo look of Day 2, but once over that they were great. Then again, aren't we supposed to be beyond all this? Aren't we supposed to be free and easy and we do not care? I'm trying. And yet... Hugs, Francesca xx
"manure for the face!" 🤣 I'm just glad we have options to deal with this! I'm also Lebanese and Italian so my whole genetic make-up is manure for the face! And legs. And... well, everywhere else. I had laser hair removal YEARS ago and it was the best thing ever. I'd be in really deep trouble now if I hadn't! And I do get chin hairs! Not a gray one yet.
Hilarious, the pic at the end ! 😂😂 I’m the same as you ! I don’t look close anymore , and in any case at 55 my eyesight is so bad I need a magnifying mirror, which I do have ! I try to keep up with my eyebrow and upper lip threading , but sometimes I just can’t do the pain. 😂
If EVERYONE'S eyesight was bad this wouldn't be a problem!!!
You are hilarious! I feel all of this! The teeth!!! My son and I were just sitting in our eye doctor's waiting room and he's like, "What's going on with your bottom teeth?" And I think it's just a rogue poppy seed - nope, I've gone full bulldog. The crowding, the jutting out for no reason!?! I was like, "Let me first get through my glaucoma test, then I'll contact an orthodontist..." So glad we can laugh about these things together!
Hahhahahha OMG can we be Brace Face Best Friends??? Can we make braces cool for middle-aged women??? I had the same reaction to my teeth. How does this stuff happen so quickly? Long-ass gray hair coming out of my face and crooked teeth seemingly overnight? It ain't right!
It definitely ain't right! A few years ago, a dentist kept recommending Invisalign and I was like, "What a con artist?! What kind of chump do I look like?!" Apparently, a chump with crooked teeth! It would be an honor to be your Brace Face Best Friend!!
Omg excuse me I’m off to make a threading appointment and yell at the guy who told me 4 pot lights would be sufficient in my teensy bathroom. IT IS NOT SUFFICIENT.
Or is it? Maybe it's best if we are literally left in the dark. Threading is probably a good idea. 😂
🤣🤣🤣
So SO funny. Also I’m sorry. I recently discovered waxing for my own stache and beard, and it hurts like hell but it works. Now if only I could figure out this rosacea on my nose. Maybe I’ll just try drinking enough to make it legit.
I'm fresh from the waxer and baby it feels good!!! 😂 Perhaps you could cultivate some nose hairs to cover the rosacea? I imagine the lip to nose combover might be a tad uncomfortable.
Brilliant!
If it weren’t a conflict of interest, I’d bring this piece to next week’s Funny Story. One of the many things that I loved about it is the fact that the hair in question was freakishly long compared to its lipmates. I’ve had that happen on my arm several times, where all of a sudden there’s a six-inch long hair sticking out and I have to believe that it just sprouted out like that fully formed, otherwise HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED IT ALL THAT TIME?
Hold on. Teeth shift? Like tectonic plates? Like, we’re subject to mouthquakes? I’m going to work really hard to will that out of my memory bank.
“…like the lid of a 1,300-year-old sarcophagus being pushed open by a baby salamander.” IMO, the gray mustache hair was worth it for that sentence alone.