The Middle-Aged Lady's Guide to Doctors

Smushing, smearing, and scraping our way to good health

Is that a uterus or an athletic cup? Maybe I need to pay more attention at these appointments. Image: Unsplash

Last week’s post sparked some feelings about “letting a dermatologist lift my butt cheek with a pencil.”

First of all, a few clarifications:

• I didn’t let her. Letting her would imply she asked if she could try something cool with a pencil and I said go for it, sounds fun!

• I think that’s a normal thing for a dermatologist to do?

• Better her pencil than one of those plastic claw grabbers? A chewed up stick covered in dog saliva? Edward’s scissor hand? Perspective, people.

One time my ex-doctor asked if a high school student could watch my pelvic exam because, “she was interested in maybe studying medicine one day.” I agreed. I mean, she was right there in the room already. I didn’t want to be rude. I wonder if she did in fact ever study medicine one day and if my reproductive system had anything to do with it.

It got me thinking about the routine medical exams women endure. Paps, mammos, gynos, and the now-seemingly-very-chaste, “pencil to the butt cheek” looking for moles in all the wrong places. Do dudes have any idea what these appointments entail? Because I think we should tell them.

Come back here, guys! Speculums are tools! Men like tools, right?

Grab your Number 2 pencils, everyone— CALM DOWN! They’re for taking notes!

Gynecologist

Like the Cheesecake Factory, there’s a lot on the menu when you visit your gynecologist, but let’s talk about your routine visit.

First, you undress— all the way, although I tend to keep my socks on because I’m modest and rebellious— then don a hospital gown open in the back. If your doctor is thoughtful, you’ll also get a 1-ply disposable drape sheet to cover your lap. Then you fold all of your clothes nice and neat on the little plastic guest chair, taking great care to hide your bra and underwear. Again— modesty. Next, you will wait a long time. Should you read a magazine? Should you grab your phone? Should you flip through the months of that Anne Geddes calendar and judge all the babies dressed like salad?

When the doctor finally arrives they’ll ask you questions like when was your last period. This question will be harder to answer than being asked to describe gravity according to the principles of quantum mechanics. Even though you know they will ask this question, they literally do every visit, you will forget to look up the answer. So you guess. Maybe a week ago? Maybe two months ago? Gee, I hope it’s not important.

The Pap

Here comes the relaxing part— lying down!

It’s time for the aforementioned Pap test (sometimes referred to as a Pap smear, which in my opinion just sounds sexier.) The Pap collects a sample of cells from the cervix to check for abnormalities.

But wait, Shelly. How does the doctor collect cells from the cervix? Isn’t that thing INSIDE your body?

It is! I’m so glad you asked.

Once you are lying down, the doctor will ask you to scooch your butt towards the end of the table and put your legs in stirrups. A little more. Keep scooching. A little more. One more scooch and there! That’s great! Now relax your legs. Just let them spread apart like beautiful butterfly wings while you make awkward small talk with the doc. It’s no big deal really. There’s just a person with a flashlight between your legs literally talking into your vagina.

Are you having a good summer? How’s work? You were thinking about getting a new car last year. What did you decide? This will feel a little cold, I’m sorry…

Shelly, what??? What feels cold???

Ooooh girl! Have you been working out? Also is this doctor wearing a scrubs pantsuit or does SHE need a gyno to fish that lab coat out of her lady parts? Image courtesy of Unsplash in collaboration with Getty Images

The doctor will insert a tool called a speculum which is often cold and always goopy (with lube, sicko) into one’s lady cavern to widen it. (I SAID WHAT I SAID.) Once you can fit a cafeteria lunch tray inside, in goes the collection device which is basically a steel wool dish scrubber atop a long Q-Tip stick. This device scrapes around the cervix scooping up cells like Gargamel capturing the Smurfs.

Phew! That’s done! But wait, there’s more…inside!

The Pelvic Exam

While you’re propped open like a wide-mouth bass, might as well make the most of it. Your doctor may insert two, maybe six, possibly twenty-three fingers into your lady parts while pressing down on the outside of your belly. I think it’s to feel your uterus? Maybe your ovaries? Maybe it’s just a fun party trick. I probably should ask. Where is that mildly-interested-in-medicine-high-school-student when you need her?

Before you go, you’ll probably get a quickie boob exam.

Speaking of boob exams…!

The Mammogram

Doctor, yes, my eyes are up here, but for once I prefer you look at my breasts! Image courtesy of Unspash/National Cancer Institute

I don’t know, guys. I googled mammogram images and that picture above came up. That’s not how you do a mammogram, pretty sure not even back in the olden days.

Mammo Day comes once and year and what a great day it is!

First, you must remember to not wear any lotion on your torso and forgo deodorant. When you’re a middle-aged lady, that’s a bold-ass choice. The place I go for my exams is lovely. We get warm gowns and the technicians are kind and efficient. They all have boobs and feel your pain.

When it’s your turn, you’ll be escorted to a little alcove to undress from the waist up and put on that soft, comfortable, warm gown. You are then taken into a room with just you, the technician, and the Big-Ass Squeeze-a-Nator 2064, which is an elaborate vice-grip where you shall place your ta-tas.

The technican tries really hard to preserve your modesty here, only asking you to take one boob out at a time. You will be asked to step up to the machine, place that boob on a plastic tray and smash your face against a plastic shield as you step up closer to the machine. The technician will give you clear and easy-to-follow instructions to ensure you’re in the right position.

Just a little closer. Now place your right arm on the left side of the machine and hold it. Higher. Just a little closer. Now turn your feet to the left and your waist to the right. Drop your shoulder. Come closer. Right arm higher. Lower your chin. Look at the back of your knees. Ahhh nuts, I gotta move your hair. Hold still!

Once everything looks good, the technician will pull on your boob and flatten it with the palm of one hand while the other cranks the vice down, down, down, until your your boob looks like an amoeba encased in a microscope slide. Then they run off behind the protective screen reminding you to hold still and DO NOT BREATHE. They will count to ten slower than a toddler.

OMG, Shelly, that sounds like torture! How can women be so cruel to one another???

Bitch, seriously? You think we invented this¹?

All that is for ONE image on ONE boob! They need several images per boob, so you do the math. You repeat variations of the above until the technician is confident the radiologist will have what they need.

YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET CALLED BACK!

In conclusion:

I think we can all see why a pencil under a butt cheek is no big deal. Yes, dudes, I know you get prodded too, but I feel confident women are getting the short end of the stick— like literally getting a short stick. Sometimes a long one. Remind me to tell you how an IUD is removed.

XO,

Shelly

1. They’re not fun but they save lives! PSA: Don’t skip out on your mammogram or any of these routine exams!