Why So Many Dicks at the Olympics?

It was members only affair in Paris

This pose depicts an excellent way to relieve gas pains. Pic: Reuters

Farewell, Olympics. Thanks for the show!

There were lots of stars in the 2024 Summer Games, but the real standouts were not members of the teams.

But they were members. On the team members.

You couldn’t shake a wet noodle without slapping up against another story having nothing to do with an athlete’s physical prowess and everything to do with their physical attributes.

Sorry, Brats. It’s the Summer of Sausages.

We should have called it the Olymp-Dicks.

So good, right? Someone get Don Draper on the horn!

In the meantime, let’s recap some of the man missile’s most medal-worthy showings.

First we had French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati who was allegedly disqualified because his pole…hit the pole. Later, it was said it was actually his calf or knee or thumb or whatever that hit first, but as every outlet insisted on reporting, his crotch still definitely hit the bar and his crotch still definitely became a hit.

Anthony Ammirati. PHOTO: Kevin Voigt/Getting Images

I repeat, the media is reporting on a crotch.

You guys, someone once said my writing was like “reading a transcript of a Kardashian episode” (compliment?) and “stupid” (too high-brow?) I would absolutely shrivel up and die if an article from the BBC discussing my large lady cavern was forever riding HOV on the information superhighway.

But I don’t think Anthony is mad at this.

This will work out just fine for Anthony.

In fact, it’s probably already worked quite well for Anthony. One might say his infamous pole has vaulted him to fame even more than a medal would have. He’s already got at least one six figure offer from a porn site.

But I do have a question for him and other athletes in his field:

If you’re an OLYMPIC athlete and winning in your sport comes down to a matter of millimeters and making sure no part of your body touches a bar, wouldn’t you strap down any part of your body that has the potential to succumb to gravitational forces, flail around, and touch things it shouldn’t?

Ahhh, man. What a way to be remembered. An Olympic athlete— one of the best in the world presumably — and when I googled “penis Olympic guy” (FOR RESEARCH) guess what popped right up?

Shelly, there is no way someone of your esteemed, thought-provoking journalistic acumen is writing this! Popped up? These jokes are beneath you! Your 9-year-old son is behind this nonsense, right?!

Of course not! He’s 11 and much too busy playing NBA 2K to do me a solid like that. And I assure you these jokes are very much in my wheelhouse. I’m quite proud actually.

French Diver Makes a Splash

Okay, what are they putting in French Lunchables?

Another homme de France caused quite a stir and not just for his Olympic performance. Well, who knows how his performance was (except perhaps several residents of Olympic Village?) because the only headlines I’ve seen about this guy were about his tiny, hard-working Speedo.

Again, don’t feel bad for him. He’s also going to be okay.

But then we have this dude…

Flesh and Boner?

This Dutch athlete confused and horrified the shit out of everyone with his weird-ass swim suit.

Is it see-through or flesh colored? Neither is approved! Why did the Olympic International Committee let this one slide? And for the love of all things holy is that a codpiece or did swimming become such an aggressive sport the men have to wear cups? Again, neither is okay! REJECTED!

Fun fact: I bet everyone in the middle-aged realm first learned about codpieces from this dude. Name that song in the comments!

Balls Under and Out

Oh and then there’s the men’s waterpolo teams. All of them. A whole pack of packages! And if you didn’t know, “ball under” is actually a water polo term. I researched “water polo terms that sound like sexual innuendos.” See? Hard-hitting journalism.

Sorry we had to bother these guys for a team photo. Is part of the sport looking like 19th century homesteaders after a tough day in the fields? Third guy from the left hadn’t even finished pulling up his tiny pants before being forced into the front row. The rest of the guys were like, “Hey, Brian, hurry up and get dressed! Group photo!” And Brian was like, “Ohhhhh nooooooo! I hate smiling and I’m not dressed yet!” and the other guys said, “NO SMILING! And don’t worry about your dumb pants! Picture timeeeeeee! Everybody hold your breath and look like you have cholera!”

Hey, 3rd guy from the left— why bother?

I’m not mad at this.

Do I like objectifying male bodies? Do I think its’s okay to focus on superficial body parts when we’re talking about world class athletes. Do I think it’s just a little bit refreshing for men to see what it’s like to have their body parts overshadow skills.

But Shelly! Do you really think no one was commenting on the female athlete’s bodies???

Of course they were, you troll! The dankest corners of the internet are probably still a buzz with commentary about a volleyball player’s butt cheek, or a gymnast’s cameltoe, or that South American swimmer who was so hot she was allegedly kicked out of Olympic Village for “being too distracting” to the other athletes¹. You should have heard how I talked about every female track and field competitor. Goddesses. Every, single one of them! But outside of the usual THE HOTTEST LADIES OF THE PARIS OLYMPICS top-100 lists, female bodies were not the stuff of headlines. Maybe because it happens so often it’s just not newsworthy?

But if you really want to objectify female bodies…

Have you seen America’s Sweethearts: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders?

Because we’re going to talk about that real soon so get caught up. Here’s a preview:

It’s fine, I’m fine, everything is just fine.

For those of you who like talking about women’s BMIs, high kicks, and a good Theragun to the groin, this one’s for you.

XO,

Shelly

1. Sadly it was later revealed she was booted because she didn’t qualify in her sport, but the other story was so much better.